things I know about

Deep in the Heart

2012-01-03T09:10:00.000-08:00

Deep in the Heart

Author: Joseph Sandoval

“The stars at night are big and bright, deep in the heart of Texas.” And that's where we are at tonight to see them. We got all the big stuff moved in this weekend and this new house of ours is starting to feel more like home now. In a few days, my in-laws should get here with the rest of our stuff and our dog and we can officially say that we are moved. But until then, I guess I will just have to start unpacking these mountains of boxes all over our house. Since I'm still unfamiliar with most of this town and its residents, I want to get an Austin Security Systems ADT to help me feel a little more secure. I'm sure once I venture out and get more familiar with my new surroundings, I will feel more settled emotionally as well. As for now, I'm kind of enjoying this new, fresh start my family and I get to have by moving. New friends, new jobs, new schools, new malls, new experiences...bring it!

The head or the heart... which should be the leader???

2012-01-03T09:05:00.000-08:00

A simple question asked here and yet not simple to answer. Should you follow your head or your heart in your daily decisions? Does the issue you are trying to resolve make a difference? Yes, the event or the situation we are trying to decide for does make a huge difference. You would not need nor would you try to listen to your heart concerning wall-paper or a new couch. These are things that are decided on with your head. Will it match the furniture? Is it going to be in my budget? Answers that will come from logical deduction and personal likes.

Other issues, such as love or moving away or moving on... they are much harder. Listen to your head when you are falling in love? That is like quitting smoking, cold turkey. When you sit and dissect feelings of love, you cut away sometimes the most important things. Perhaps you have fallen in love or feel yourself falling for someone on-line. People will for sure say "Please, think about it. You have no idea who this person really is. Use your head!" LOVE rarely allows us that luxury. Maybe we can use our heads{gentlemen, that is the one on your shoulders lol} sometimes when we are loving someone. We can cut and slice and make a list of all the why we shoulds and why we should nots. I think if one needs to do that, perhaps they really should use their head. But emotions take over our hearts often without any help from our heads. We only know that we feel emotions for this person. A desire and need to be with them and feel one with them. We may say, using our heads "They are so far away " or "they are so different" "It can never work", but our hearts tell us to follow a path that in all likelihood will end in hurt or loss. And for me, I am a forever romantic and follow my heart into places that my head KNOWS I should not go.

Why? I think because the feeling of falling in love, the very essence of being loved back in that way are too beautiful to pass by. As Garth Brooks so wonderfully croons to us... "I could have missed the pain... but then i would have missed the Dance." Decisions based on emotions can be tornadic and intense, but they can also be the beautiful experience you will ever share with someone.

Brains for yard work... Your Heart for Love. It truly is a subject that touches us all sooner or later.

Always, Darrel

An orange twist on cranberry sauce

2011-11-30T07:32:00.000-08:00

Guest post written by Margaret King

I'm really over all of those classic Thanksgiving dishes. I've had them for so many years that it's like my taste buds have become numb to them or something! So I knew that for Thanksgiving this year, I would fix those same classic recipes, but with a twist here or there. I knew that I would have a mutiny on my hands if I didnÕt' fix any of the holiday classics for our family meal that I'm hosting.

I was online looking up a variation on cranberry sauce when I ran across some info on wireless internet providers Duluth. After I looked through it some I decided to change over my home internet service to one of the providers I found.

I decided on fixing a orange cranberry sauce. It sounds like those flavors will be so delicious together, so that's really what made the decision for me. Plus, the last thing that I want to do is make some cranberry sauce straight for a jar. I canÕt stand the thought of serving can-sized cranberry sauce along beside all of my homemade stuff!

Lucky

2011-10-21T11:12:00.000-07:00

Guest post of the week by Bradley Guthrie

Some people are just born lucky and I am without a doubt one of those people. I am constantly winning raffle drawings, bingo games, and small amounts of money on lottery tickets. My dad swore that he had the same gift when he was growing and he often made trips to Las Vegas to see just how lucky he truly was. I think I felt like I was lucky the first time I won a raffle drawing for a diamond ring at one of the local jewelry stores back in my hometown. My mother suggested that I should put five dollars in the jar with my name on it and if I actually won the ring then she would let me do whatever I wanted with it when I reached the age of 18 years old. Moreover, I ended up winning the ring and ever since that moment I just had a feeling that no matter where I was, I had the best chance in the room of winning. This theory has actually proven to be right more times than not and anytime I get to put my name in the hat I never come away empty handed. Recently, I was telling my mom about a chainsaw I had won and she thought it was the funniest thing she had ever heard. She then told me about wireless cable television and I thought I was lucky to hear this information. Now I am planning a trip to Atlantic City to see if I am as lucky as I really believe.

Big Banks Stink

2011-07-06T11:31:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the post from Sylvester Campbell

Do you have to deal with the big mega banks? Most of us do but most of us don’t like the levels of service we get from them. I was in my dentist’s office last week and couldn’t help overhearing the office staff complaining about the poor service they received from their bank. They were complaining about all the various fees that were now being charged to the business account for services. We all know that the new credit card laws reduced the amount of money that banks are making from credit cards and they are having to make up that revenue somewhere. One of the main areas the office staff was complaining about was the fees the bank charged to process credit card transactions. Since I had recently heard my brother who is a small business owner talking about researching options on Bank-Card-Processing.com, I suggested they might want to check it out. They did and liked what they found enough that I got a free office visit for my suggestion!

Living in a New Space

2011-05-26T11:42:00.000-07:00

Guest post written by Nicole White

This week, I plan on taking my husband's mother to a miracle ear free hearing test, the doctor's office, and the mall. We recently moved to Nebraska to be closer to her, and I think that now was the perfect time to do so. Our kids are now out of the house and on our own, and we were both ready to move into a place without so much empty space. I think it's a really nice chance, and I'm glad we are able to end a hand to my mother-in-law. Over the years, she has been so good to the both of us, and she's always been so loving with me. She always made me feel like family, even before my husband and I got married.

My husband has had an extreme amount of work lately, so I'm trying to help my mother-in-law out as much as I can without him. Next week, I think that we are going to all go out to a nice dinner. My husband's brother is going to come with us, as well. It should really be a nice time.

HubPages

2011-05-08T10:08:00.000-07:00

I have begun writing more on HubPages.com. There are ample reasons for being there but mainly, I can do what I love best...Write. There is an incredible number of very talented writers on the site. You are sure to find an author or two that you enjoy following their writing. I would like to think I am one of them. Please join me there for some relaxing and reading.

more »

HubPages

Sometimes, going back is good for the soul.

2011-04-25T12:32:00.000-07:00

Easter Sunday... a day that in and of itself is so wonderful. It is a day that my family always celebrates together. A day of prayer and family and food and laughter that fills the soul with life. Each year, 100 plastic eggs, filled with yummies, are tossed all over a half acre of land. The "kids", ages 1 year old all the way to 35, run outside and search for the eggs with their names on them. They stuff them in their bag and with gihugic smiles, race across the fields to find more. I have watched and walked with my children for 30 years as they gathered eggs and ate candies until dinner was Not something they were going to eat. I love it, as do all my siblings and their children and grand-children. My parents, 78 years old and married 58 years, also watch and smile as the screeches and laughter fill their house. Could it get any better???
This year, I was given the answer to that very question. My youngest daughter, my niece and my nephew announced during dinner that there was to be a change this year. They had made up and were going to hide Easter eggs for the Parents and we would go find eggs this year. At first, we were all unsure of this idea. Not to be put off, the kids were insistent that we experience what They have experienced for 23 years. there would be the adults and "little" kids searching for eggs this year. We hid ourselves away behind closed curtains and drawn shades as the eggs were hidden across the acreage. Then we all headed outside and began looking for our own eggs, this time, our children watching US search. As I walked through the grass and picked up eggs, I found myself feeling younger by the minute. I smiled and called out "I found another one" as I dropped it in my bag. I stopped to pick one up, then opened it, as I had seen My daughters do for more years than I can count. They smiled at me and I smiled back. Not just any smile, but a smile that came from deep with-in my soul.
I sit here today, writing about the experience. It was 42 years ago that I had my Last Easter egg hunt for me. I can hear the voices of my children, their snickering at the fact that I had just walked by one of my eggs and not seen it. the sounds of their talking and laughter filled the air and my heart with joy beyond explanation. I laughed out loud and thought to myself what a wonderful gift these kids had given to us. For a moment, for just an hour or so, we were all 10 years old again. We were there, walking side by side with the kids that had given to us our youth back for the day. They had gifted us with something that far to often we lose somewhere along the path of life. I can not convey to you what it meant to me. I can not sufficiently describe the emotions that welled up inside of me as I broke open a plastic egg and ate the tiny candy bar that it held inside.
Today, I thank my daughter and my niece and nephew for loving us enough to give back something we don't get to hold very often. I feel the wetness of tears as I write. Not tears of sadness, tears of joy and of knowing that for just an hour or so, I was a kid again. A kid that went searching for an Easter egg... and found the egg filled with Youth. To Shannon and Becca and Mattie I say "Thank you" from the deepest and warmest parts of my soul. "God Bless You" always for this.
And to you, the reader, I say get out there and grab your youth. It is still there, tucked under a tree branch or ladder or blade of grass. Don't let it go to far away from you. It really is a fantastic feeling inside.

Christmas at My Place

2011-03-16T09:35:00.000-07:00

Guest post written by Jill Sanchez

I'm so glad this week is finally here! I feel like I've been anticipating it for a month now, ever since we all made plans to gather at my place for the holidays. It's a little different to me since we usually gather at my parents' house, but now that I'm out of school I've been able to build myself a little home here that I'm so proud of. So that's why I volunteered to host--I want the chance to show this baby off!
In preparation, I checked out a few sites with Domain Names specifically for decorating for the holidays. I picked up some useful tips! One had this tip about recycling fake spider webbing from Halloween and turning it into a snowy backdrop for a Christmas town scene. How precious is that? Either way, I'm also trying to make a bunch of food for the occasion too, like cakes and pies and stuffing and turkey...yum! Can't have the holidays without a little indulgence!

Time... and Time Again.

2011-03-09T10:41:00.000-08:00

Time... a subject I have written on before and yet there is a wonderful thing about the mind. As long as we keep it open and do not cease using it, we can always learn more. Life's changes and events give us the option to use or discard new insights to things we have written about. We look at the subject through different views or we find that Time itself has given reasons to add to what we have already said. I write for a specific reason today. A reason I will give to you a bit later. For now, I will tell what what I have learned about Time.
Time has a different meaning to everyone. Not just based on our character or our "make-up" but also because we percieve it to mean something new depending on where we are in our lives and even our age. When a child of 4 or 5 years old says "and when I was a little girl/boy, long time ago...", it can not help but make an adult standing near to smile. How very long ago can 5 years be? Well, to a child who feels like they have lived a long life already, it can be as long as they want it to be. "I have been waiting my WHOLE life to see this" coming form a small child again gives us reason to smile because thier "whole" life fills the entire area of a T-spoon when compared to 50 years old. To stand them in a corner for a 5 minute "time-out" is as long to them as the ocean is huge. It is an eternity to stare at that wall. To you and I, it may very well have been only 5 minutes but to that child, half their life seems to be gone now.
When you become a Teen, time takes on a whole new numbers game. Taking 3 days to clean their room was "just a few minutes" to them. Talking to their friends on the phone or computer for 3 hours was only "A few minutes" in their thoughts of time. Take that computer away or thier cell phone away for the weekend and time takes on a whole new dimension for them. One weekend is the same thing to them as "forever." Thier "15" BFF's will no doubt forget who they are and move on to new BFF's before that Friday and Saturday finally pass by. Telling them to take out the trash and hearing "In a minute" translates into "when you get mad enough to threaten to take one of my gadgets away" or the next day, which-ever actually comes first. Time has little meaning to them unless You are taking to long to dress and they have friends waiting at the Mall for them.
We all smile at these things later in life but the reality of it is that Time does have a totally different meaning, depending on where we are in life and what events have happened. For an adult, the space between vacation time, the drive home from work, the time it takes to get your order from a fast food place when you are tired and want to get home, IS Forever. The hours between going to bed and the alarm going off are possibly the very "shortest" spans of time for us. "I swear I JUST laid my head down on the pillow" is a saying we have All used.
But what has any of this got to do with what I really am writing about today? Time is as short or as long as the event that has brought you to where you are today. Yesterday, as I sat alone here at my computer, I wanted so to write. I had it all in my head, exactly what I was going to say. I did not write. My mind simply would not allow it yesterday and so today I write instead. Five years ago, yesterday, 3/8/06, I lost someone that meant more to me than life itself. My wife of 24 years was taken to Heaven by God. She and I shared a life that was mixed with the greatest of love and laughter and smiles and blessings... and of sorrow and pain and the fact that I had failed to be strong enough to be faithful, after so many years. I failed my Love, my Children, my Family and even myself. Only the greatest of love kept Sheila and I together until she went to Heaven. Tears and reliving and trying to understand so many things have made time for me, do so many things. Sometimes, it didn't move at all. A year passed and it seemed very much like only yesterday.
Time for each of us is relevant most when it applies to sonmething happening in our lives that disrupts the normal "tick-tock" of our clocks. Someone once told me that "Time" would heal all sorrows. They assured me that "time" would one day make that day seem far, far away. moving on was going to allow me to look at that day and not feel what I felt the day the Surgeon said he could not save her. The hours, sitting at her bedside, crying and trying so hard Not to let her know she was going to die, were for me an eternity. Brushing her cheek and singing her favorite songs while she lay there seemed to be just a momonet and yet hours had passed. Looking back and whispering to myself "when we were at the lake" or "That time you slipped at the Motel" make it seem as if time didn't move at all. It becomes yesterday or just a day or two ago.
How long is an hour??? How many minutes are there in 25 years? Will I grieve for the loss very long? Time... a word that takes on a new face, a different span, depending on what you are doing or who you are missing. I think it has been forever ago that she left me here. I know it has been 5 years. The calendar says so. It was only a day ago for me., and I miss her so much. "When I was a little girl/boy now makes sense to me. It doesn't always seem like such a long time but to that child it is because he has Lived it "his entire life." Yesterday was a long time ago and it was just a minute ago because "I have lived it." I Have moved on with my life and live a very blessed life. I have love and smiles and laughter and tears and sadness enough to last me a lifetime. And I have the memory and warmth of "Only Yesterday." So you see, Time has it's own meaning to each person. It can be as long as you want it to be or as short as you need it to be.

I ask the same Question!!!!

2011-02-26T13:50:00.000-08:00

It has been a rough month for me. We have money to spend. We have a full house of groceries. We have pretty much anything we could desire. Hmmmmm? Rough??? Doesn't sound like anything should be rough on this end? Exactly!!!!!! The very reason I am writing today. My words will reach out and grab a few of you as you read this. You may find yourself whispering to yourself, "Hey, that sounds an awful lot like Me."
I have a good life. I am a man that has been blessed more times in this life than any one man, especially THIS man ever deserved to be blessed. So why in the world would I be depressed? Again, the reason I write today. Depression and the added Bipolar and a little Tourettes tossed in to make for an interesting "salad" of life, certainly open up a world of sad. Yet still I ask myself, what do I have to be depressed about. Family members that simply refuse to believe that there is anything wrong with me. Those that think I can and really should just "get the hell over it!" I am very aware of all that I have. At the same time, I am extremely aware that I see myself as a total failure and that I have truly accomplished Nothing in my life.
Depression IS an illness. It is brought on by imbalances in the brain that I do NOT have any control over. It is so easy to sit on the fence and scream all the things I Could be or Should be doing to make this all go away. To waltz through life, never seeing yourself as others see you tears the heart to pieces. To never believe that anything you have done in your life was ever worthy of appreciation or praise is not an easy row to hoe. The sadness and guilt and feeling of being completely disconnected and alone in this world can and do over-whelm the mind and soul. It wears a physical body out and leaves one feeling totally drain from the inside out.
You, the ones that know me and love me and still look at me with disgust in your eyes, have no idea how many times I have looked in the mirror and saw that exact look coming from my own self. Over and over I ask myself why i am this way. I wonder daily what brought me to this point. I pray and think and ask again what makes me the man that I am? I know, the Past. Hmmm? Isn't the past exactly that? Isn't it Past? Not for all of us. Sometimes, there are those that retain and relive and struggle with the past daily, sometimes even by the minute. We rise every day and tell ourselves we need to be here. We create the reasons and try our best to process them so that we can make it through another day. And still we ask, why am I so sad inside?
I think that perhaps that very question keeps us captive to our sorrows and guilt. We tell ourselves we have no reason to be depressed and in doing so, we cause our selves to become more sad because we can not find a reason for our feelings. We try so hard to beat these feelings. The battle that rages within wears us down and tires the soul and so... we slip deeper into a world of darkness and the feelings of have no worth or purpose. The accomplishments that other see become failures because though we "wrote a novel" or "made a CD" or "raised a family", all accomplishments in any one else's eyes, we didn't reach the top. We didn't become number one best selling authors or music moguls. We only did these half-assed or part of the way. We Never became "Anyone!"
Why are we this way? What makes a person see them-selves through "tunneled" eyes? Depression is a terrible illness. It effects nearly half the people in the world in some stage or another. Toss in a few other issues like the Bipolar and Tourrettes and you have a real mess to walk through every single day of your life. And for those that don't believe or find themselves disgusted with someone like me, please be kind. I see myself the same way you do. I do not need you to tell me what I look like to others. A kind word or sign of love will go so much further. Remember this, you never know how close to the "edge" of life someone is standing. You may be the very means to either push that person over or bring them back to a little safer distance from that edge.

The Virtual card, a Facebook note... does it mean the same?

2011-02-13T20:06:00.000-08:00

February is a full Birthday month for my family. A sister and my two daughters and my brother and cousin all have birthdays this month. Also included in February was Sheila{my wife of 24 years} and her mother. Going to the store to pick out cards was an hour or better long process. Reading each card until you found just the right one for the person you were buying for. It was time consuming but to see the look on the receivers face as they read your card was priceless. Sometimes it was a phone call to say Thank you for the card they had received. No matter how it was given, the thank you was always nice to hear. It made you glad that you had taken the time to choose the card you did. The thank you was given with much heart because everyone respected the fact that each of our lives were busy and the thought that someone had taken the time to go out and search and find and send a card meant so much.
Time has passed and technology came along. Real, physical cards were slowly replaced by virtual cards. Not such a bad thing, the "virtual" card made it possible for people that simply could not find the time to go out and buy a card to send one via "E-mail." This meant that people that might have just by-passed the sending of any kind of birthday or holiday card would still send a card through their e-mail. Beautiful cards, exactly like what you would find in a store were found and sent to friends and loved ones. Most were free and could be personalized to say exactly what you wanted to say. Some said things you could not find in your own words to say. Still hugely used by so many, the "virtual" card sites have flourished and grown. The cards have evolved into "flash" and the scenes have become life-like and Beautiful. I myself have sent more than I can remember.
Today, as my daughter celebrated her birthday, I was reading the newest way to say "Happy Birthday" or "I love you." It is becoming more excepted but I think my thoughts were no more than the same thoughts many have, only silently. As I read the "Happy Birthday's" that my daughter had received on Facebook, I heard her say a bit under her breath, "I better get a phone call or card from so and so." Social networks and writing on your status a message of endearment seems to be alright to many.
That made me think about the time I had spent, opening, reading, listening to so many cards in Wal-Mart, searching for just the right card to give to her. The joy and the smiles that came with looking were part of the very reason I was there. There was such a difference in handing her the card, watching her read it and listening to her laughter than what would have come from her seeing a "happy birthday, daughter" on line.
I also wondered what she would have felt if for some reason she could not get on-line today? Would she wondered if anyone remembered her birthday? How sad a thought is THAT???? I am not saying that the on-line happy birthdays were not appreciated. They do make one smile. But the truth is, it can NOT replace the feeling inside of knowing someone cared enough to take time out of what is a very busy world and find a card... even a "virtual" card, and send it to you. I think that the "Net" has the potential to make us "lazy" in our sending of special cards for special moments. It is easier to just put a quick note up and say "There, now I have sent them a greeting." It just doesn't seem the same to me as taking the time to find a card that says you care.
Do I think it means the same to put up "happy birthday" or "best wishes in your new life" on a social site, for all the world to see as it does to send something personal? Absolutely not. Something seems to get lost in the quick write or the extremely impersonal sending of a greeting that is sent not just to the person it is meant for, but sent for all the world to see. Impersonal begets impersonal and suddenly people you have never met in your life are sending the greeting because they saw it posted by their friend, you. It sort of puts your own greeting in the same place. Impersonal.
Evolution is wonderful and today's technology has brought worlds together. But sometimes, now and then, we need to make things personal again. We need to let our friend or loved one know that they are special. One in a million not one OF a million. To group them with a million unknown people doesn't really do that to me. Just a thought I was thinking.

Alzheimer's Disease... A Personal look.

2011-01-04T11:22:00.000-08:00

Life at it's very best can still toss hurdles our way. Hurdles that can sometimes truly test the faith and love of a family. I have often written on care-giving and on the care-givers part in the maintaining of dignity of those we are caring for. That role, played by those that have someone that needs assistance in their daily routine applies to many illnesses. Whether the illness be one that cripples the physical body or the mind, keeping their dignity should always be priority one.
Today, I want to talk about one particular illness. One that has found it's way into my families life and open up a whole new world of what to do's for all of us. My father, a man that has enhanced my life more than I could ever convey here, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease about a year ago. Alzheimer's disease is a form of dementia, a term used to describe a group of brain disorders that cause memory loss and a decline in mental function, over time. In fact, Alzheimer's disease is the most common form of dementia, affecting 5.3 million men and women in the United States. The numbers seem staggering at a glance but they become much more powerful when that number is reduced to one. One member that is a part of your life.
Watching the progression of this disease leaves those that are looking on with so many emotions. Not in any way wanting to take away from the emotional roller-coaster that it places the inflicted on, I am giving you a "birds-eye view" of what is seen and experienced by those that love the Alzheimer's patient. Slight and easily given to the saying "it comes with age", the beginning doesn't really bring any remarkable actions from anyone. As the disease progresses, we, as a family, begin to watch closer, observing a greater loss of "short term" memory. My Father remembers anything that he lived from nearly birth to almost present day. In his daily routine, he may simply forget he has told you a story moments before re-telling the same exact tale. He has gone for a drive to the store and completely forgotten why he was in that parking lot. Not every minute nor even every hour is a forgotten time but more often than average.
The driving issue brings to surface the reason I blog on this subject today. Recently, it was discovered that my Father's drivers license had expired nearly a year ago. Something that many, including myself have done at one time or another in our lives. This brought up the question, should he or should he not have it renewed. I wondered if he could even do so, being diagnosed with the illness. I put a call into our DOT {department of transportation} and presented the question to them. I was a bit surprised at the answer I received. DOT informed me that they ask the same question of anyone applying for a license. "Do you have any physical or mental disease that might impair your driving?" If the answer is no, a license is issued, providing of course that all requirements have been met. Should the applicant answer they have Alzheimer's, they are asked if it effects their ability to drive. If the answer is no, then the license is issued. IF they answer that it might, the DOT requires a written statement from the applicant's Doctor stating if the Doctor feels it is safe for the patient to possess a license. The issuing is then based on the Doctors opinion.
Because of an incident in which a person was killed by a driver that suffered from advanced Alzheimer's, a concerned was raised as to whether my Father should simply choose NOT to have his license renewed. Opinions had been given by each of my siblings and myself. I asked him to take time in deciding if he would or would not renew. The conversation was gentle and extremely emotional at the same time. I told him that he had given to his kids for 50 years, anything that we needed, especially when it came to needing a ride somewhere or a vehicle when one of ours was down. I presented it to him as a way of us kids giving back to him what he had for so long and so freely given to all of us. Though it was a plea for him to make the choice NOT renew, he responded in a way that I did truly understand.
Freedom and the ability to take care of himself was being threatened. It was not so much about not having a license any longer. It was about the fact that by not renewing, he was losing a huge part of his freedom. I learned long ago that losing ones freedom, for whatever reason, is one of the most frightening and disappointing losses in an Elderly persons life. They feel as if they are now at the mercy or burdening the people that care for them. In essence, they lose a bit of the dignity that comes with being able to care for their own needs, simply by driving to the store or Barber or where ever they might want to go, on their own. Thinking about driving, something we so often take for granted, unless we find ourselves without a vehicle, I realized how much I myself hate having to ask someone to take me somewhere if my car isn't running. That feeling, tacked on to the fact that a person with Alzheimer's may already be dependant on someone to do things for them they have done for themselves for 75 years and you have a great feeling of loss. The thought of "what more is going to be taken from me" is Very real for them. I believe that perhaps even a little bit of fear that they may become too much for the family is certainly setting right in the doorway, waiting to come inside of them.
Do I still feel that my Father should Not renew his license? A part of me, the part that loves him very much and fears that harm may come to him or someone else says Yes. Most definitely. Does another part of me fully understand my Father's desire and reasoning for wanting to renew? Yes, absolutely, yes!!! What will we as a family do about this newest situation in our lives? We will do as we have always done best. We will band together as a family and do whatever is needed to make the situation as comfortable and safe as possible for all involved. My Father opened my eyes just a little more concerning preserving the dignity of those we love. He helped me understand a little more how easily it can appear that your freedom is being taken away. He also showed me that the freedom to make your own choices is something that can be frightening when the thought of losing that is present.
I will pray God's watchful eyes on him and God's touch to give my Father the wisdom to know when it is time to chose differently.

Christmas... Jesus is the Reason

2010-12-19T11:25:00.000-08:00

Christmas... the time of year that we celebrate the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ. A season of laughter and smiles and family and friends. The time of year that we set aside our "differences" and come together to share our love. It is by far my very favorite time of the year. The sound of songs and joy fills the air. The smell of Turkey and dressing and pumpkin pie rushes to your senses as soon as the door is opened. Decorations adorn the living room and every archway that is open. The Christmas Tree is lit and sparkles and blinks red and green and blue colored lights. Some-where, in that same room that is filled with a Christmas Tree, the sound of Christmas Carols playing on the CD, ringing out that we Will "be home for Christmas, if only in our dreams." And on the center of the mantel, with the fireplace crackling and popping below, a Nativity Scene sits, recapturing the night in an Inn Stable, when a mother gave birth to a King.
I have painted for you the beauty that is Christmas. A warmth coming from the words that are known through-out the World. My heart embraces them and then... a sadness finds it's way into my heart. Sadness that the "joy" of Christmas is not felt by every heart that pumps life into our body. For in this world of such abundant love and joy and gifts and food, there are Still those that will not reap the beauty that is our Christmas. Homeless people, that will spend their Christmas searching for a warm blanket and a meal. Children that do not have a Christmas Tree lighting their way down the hallway in the Wee hours of the morning. No gift wrap will be strewn across their floor and no laughter will echo through their homes.
The reality of this is that more than 1 million children will go hungry this Christmas season. Families that have lost their jobs due to an economy that is struggling simply to hold it's own. And if their are a million children that are hungry this season, that means their are 20 million + that are Not hungry. Why, I ask you? Why, in a world rich with food and resources, would one single child ever have to feel the coldness that can be this season? Are there not enough homes that will have more food at their table than any one family could possibly eat, to feed that child or family? Doesn't the ratio of not hungry to hungry set on a scale that is terribly out of balance? We have the means to assure that not one child goes hungry.
We have the ability to make certain that these families can fill the warmth of the Christmas Season. So long ago, a baby was born in the city of David we know as Bethlehem. He came to the Earth to bring peace and good will to all men. We, as his brothers and sisters, can carry on that gift to those less fortunate. It is as simply as opening your door to a stranger in need. The blessings that come with giving of ourselves is absolutely the most beautiful gift we have to give. It doesn't cost a dime because you are only giving to them what you would have tossed at the end of the meal. The rewards how ever are Gihugic! That means Huge and then some.
This year, give the gift that keeps on giving. Share of yourself and the feeling inside will go on and on for you. Love is free and God's gift to us is eternal life. Make this year the year you start a new tradition or the continuation of an old one. Open your hearts and your door to someone in need. A family that is alone. A soldier that is away from his family at Christmas time. Light a candle with in someones heart and remember what this season is REALLY about. It is about a baby that became our Lord and Savior. It is about sharing and laughter and love.

{{Luke 2:8-14 “And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.
And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.
For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.
And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.}}}

Merry Christmas to you all.....

This is Me, Uncovered...

2010-12-11T20:10:00.000-08:00

I began a bit earlier responding to my nephews comments on the blog before this one. As I began to write, I realized two things. First, I am not known as the long-winded responder here on line for no reason. I am exactly that. My responses sometimes look more like "short stories" than simply replies to a comment. To some that is a good thing and to others... well. I stopped my reply to Joshua and decided to write it here instead. I found that I had more to say than perhaps should be in a comment section. Thank you Josh for writing and allowing me the chance to do what I love to do. That is, to write. Though I am responding to Joshua's comments, I believe that many can feel and understand the words here.
Joshua, I too am glad you found your way here though I will say again, it is with an amount of uncertainties still, for now at least. I am extremely open in my writings here and endeavour to reach out and touch lives. Lives that sometimes believe they are very alone in the many things they experience on a daily basis. Far too often, a soul becomes lost simply based on the feeling of being odd or a freak because of some of the issues they must deal with daily. Fears that are very real. They all have the ability to separate people from others in an attempt to conceal the issues they do not want the world, especially family, to know they suffer from. How sad that there are more families than you might even want to believe that refuse to believe or acknowledge that someone they love may indeed suffer from a disorder such as bipolar or Tourettes or that they may be Manic. A denial that normally comes from something so simple as not understanding. And as I am known to say often, that which is unknown or not understood is either feared or shunned by those not inflicted.
Far too often, that soul becomes lost simply because the very ones they love refused to listen to the issues they must deal with daily. Not knowing always if there is somewhere, someone to turn to that will listen. They Know God is Always there as I truly do know. But sometimes the soul yearns for a more human touch of the heart to show them they are not so different, not experiencing things that many others in this world do, each and every day. There are so many different forms of depressions and mental disorders today but most, if not all of them have one thing in common. They leave the inflicted feeling very alone and sometimes even ashamed that they can not always fight these issues.
I said earlier that I was glad that Joshua had found my site but not without some fear or uncertainties. In reading more and more of my blogs, Josh is going to read things about myself that he may not know. He will see sides of my depression and the effects that the Bipolar and Tourettes have on my daily life that I may have been alright with being less known. But he will also see the love and devotion I have to My father in heaven. the faith that I placed in him with My Sheila for 25 years. He will see the Blessings that God has given to me in learning to take the saddest, hardest times of my life and make them lessons to grow by.
Joshua was responding to a blog concerning the feelings of selfishness when we take time for our selves. Feeling that in taking time for our own selves, we are taking away time that we could have been devoting to someone that truly needed our help. He made some really good points in saying that though it is easier to give of our selves to someone else than to our own selves, if we do not take time for us, then we may not be good for anyone else. The words do ring with truth but often applying those words to our own lives isn't as easy and does not seem as important. Feeling undeserved of the very love and inspiration we strive to have others believe they DO deserve is a way of life for those like me. A thought process that echos over and over that We are not here to make our selves feel good but to reach out to those that feel alone or lost or different.
A song rings in my ear that I have loved for as long as I can remember hearing it. Bless the Beasts and The Children. {Karen Carpenter sang it beautifully} It says to bless the beasts and the children for they have no voice or choice. Give them warmth when darkness surrounds them and give them hope and love. That is my true desire and I would do without if it meant another would not. And so it brings us back to the beginning in pondering the thought that if we want to have time to ourselves, are we selfish? Did wanting someone I love very much to Not visit one day leave me marked as cruel and unfeeling? Was the suffering and tears I cried for that day worth the time I Took for myself? Or would it have been better to simply say No to myself and allow the visit?
These are just some of the things I struggle with daily. This is but a tiny part of what my world is like up close and personal. The fear inside that someone close to me, dear to my heart, will now see things about me that may turn them away. Please readers, do not believe for a moment that a loved one would not do such a thing. If this were not so, then we would have a lot less sad, lonely people that one day simply say "Enough... I can't live in this sadness any longer" and give in to something that can not be undone. God's perfect love is that we turn away no one and yet, still, in this world there are those that are loved more and shunned less by strangers {perhaps Angels Unseen} than by their own family.
Remember, smile at everyone you see. You have no idea what battle they may be fighting inside. Your smile may be just what they needed to say, "It is worth another day."

And so... I write.

2010-12-09T08:05:00.000-08:00

Morning comes to us whether we wish it to or not. Waking, standing and starting my day at 5 a.m., many say, "any day I wake is a good day." I wonder. For many, starting the day is as simple as dressing and going to work. For some, it is the beginning of thoughts that plagued you in your sleep. The reminder that you have unfinished business from the yesterdays that have already past. Business that is really about trying to settle your thoughts. The attempt, no matter how feeble, to find a way to face the guilt that has been a part of your anxieties for days.
For those of you that have grown children, I think you will understand. I am a father and proudly, I am a Grand-father for the first time. The love I feel for the newest addition to the family is bigger than I could have imagined. A gift from God that I cherish each and every day. Another blessing in a long line of heaven sent blessings that my life has been so beautifully graced by.
But... there is so much more to this. I mentioned guilt. Guilt that over-powers me and takes me where I wish not to be. Bipolar? Mind issues? Perhaps... or maybe as normal as any other parent reading this. I love to see my daughter and thank God daily that she is so close to me. A few blocks and she is here at the house. But what of the days that I would rather just be alone? Not so much a fact of not wanting to see her. More, the need to have time to sit alone and do my writing or what-ever else I may choose to do. Wrong and selfish to want that? Ahhh, that is the question I do not know how to answer. The very core of my anxieties this day and sleeplessness last night.
I thought of her and Baby Robert, alone all day as I sat here, quite able to go and bring her over to my home. But I did not. I sat here and the guilt stormed my senses and left me unable to do most anything. Should a parent truly Not want to see his child and grand-child? Is that wrong or is it normal? I carry that question through-out my day and tears stream down my face. I know of millions that would give anything for the chance to see their loved ones every single day. And yet, I chose not to do that. For what, alone time? I am over-come with wondering. Where does a parent that opts not to see his kids and grand-kids fit in? Am I selfish in this act? Should I chastise myself and make sure I don't do it again?
My love for my children is full and never ending. My need for time alone is strong and sometimes endless. My guilt is always. This is my life and the thoughts race past me to fast to stop one. And so... I write. The out that purges so much when we are able to place our thoughts in writing. The sasatisfaction that at least Once today, I have sat and stopped my world long enough to write. I do not want to bring my daughter here based on guilt. I want to See her because she is loved. Step into my world for a moment and see why I become so lost in thoughts. My little Bipolar brain crying for the loneliness she had to endure because "I" wanted to be alone. A guilt that will need to be settled in my own way. But that, is another write all in and of it's self.

Tis the Season to Be... Spinning out of control????

2010-11-22T12:48:00.000-08:00

I look out the window and watch the rain falling steadily down to the street. It shows no sign of stopping and I wonder when it will turn to ice. the cold doesn't really effect me as much as the knowledge that soon, we will be stuck in the house due to Old Man Winter settling in. I think about the long winter and everything that comes with it. My mind is racing and thoughts are nearly impossible to grab and deal with. I shake my head and know that it is That time of year again. A time that leaves my mind and body filled with emotions and thoughts and fears.
Most that read my blogs know that I am Bipolar2. Some know that I also suffer from Tourettes. I maintain and lead a fairly normal life with the exception of a need to "wander" when in a store or out doing things. Some look at me and others like me as freaks. there are those that fear us, as though we may attack them or cause some kind of harm to them. Believe me when I say we are far more dangerous to our own selves then to anyone around us. Life is a maze that we struggle through daily. Those that we love and trust, extremely few and far, help to keep us grounded.
Is this blog about being bipolar? Not really. I simply add my disorders as a means of understanding for you. At least, I hope it helps you in some way. This blog is about the time of year that is here. For me and I suspect many, whether bipolar or not, this is a very Bitter-sweet time of the year. It splits us right down the center and leaves us with highs and lows that travel through our minds like a raging Bull. It causes me to go from euphorically happy and energized to complete depression of the frightening kind. My loved ones watch me closer. My therapist waits expectantly for the depression to raise and lower and cause me to feel like a piece of Silly Putty, being pulled from one end to another.
I think, as I write this, that I will not be alone in the way I feel inside this season. I am Not the only one that feels this way. I am Not the only one that can't decide if they are happy or sad at the approaching season and the Holidays it brings with it. Ahhhhhhh, there... the word finally emerged. It is not only the cold and ice and rain and snow that brings me to where I am. There are Holidays, one only 3 days away, that also cause the highs and lows. The holidays bring on fears and memories that make my head shake, in the most literal way. There is the coming together of family and friends. Something I love and look forward to anytime we can get together. Anddddd, there is that "OMG" fear that there will be a group and it will be crowded and "will I do something to draw attention to my disorders!!??"
The holidays are so beautiful and Christmas is easily my favorite time of the year. But! The stores are packed with people. People that do not understand my issues. People that would view my ticks and small out-bursts as something to fear or shun. What is not understood is normally feared. I know I have to go into the stores to get what I need. O know that there Will be a moment or two that I become a bit lost and seek out a place that seems safe and I Will sit there, hoping that someone I love walks by and finds me. I may even cry while walking through the store. Not something I Want to do. Something that just happens. It may be because I saw something beautiful that touched my heart and so I cry. It might be seeing something that takes me back to when My Sheila was with me and we walked though the store, laughing and smiling and loving one another.{I miss her.} Or maybe, just maybe, it was nothing at all except that the people and the store and the season have suddenly over whelmed me and I just cry. So many thoughts. So many to worry about and love and try to be there for, knowing in my soul that I have NOT been. Guilt that can not be measured and more than it can be imagined. You really have to walk through it, literally.
This is my life. This is how I walk through life every single day of my life. Some very good days filled with love and smiles. Some days not so happy, filled with sadness and an aloneness that completely engulfs you and tries to smother the life out of you. What ever the day may be like, I walk through it with the hope that I will win another battle. Not the war. I don't ask to win the war that day. I simply pray that I can defeat the enemy that is mine. An enemy that is invisible to the rest of the world, making it impossible to explain or give reason for my actions.
The Holidays. A time for joy and laughter and smiles. A time for fear and sadness and a deep depression that kicks my butt in ways most can not even imagine. I am there. I am half dizzy because my mind is spinning so fast. This can be a very, very long season...

Internet friendships and/or relationships. To pursue or not to pursue!!!!

2010-11-06T12:34:00.000-07:00

People often ask me about my time on the Net. Being what I would call a veteran of the World Wide Web, I think I am qualified to answer Most questions a person might ask me. There is truthfully, very little I have Not done here nor is there a lot of places I have not visited. from the surfing to chatting to meeting and to the "more" that many of you understand, I have done it all. I was there when voice wasn't. I saw yahoo voice and MSN voice and even was in on the "Cheetah chat" thing. Some lasted and some simply disappeared. Very much like the relationships and friendships that developed here.
Statistically, 1 in every 5 relationships begin on the Internet now. 32% of the couples today, whether married or simply living with one another, met here on the Net. Those numbers will grow, no doubt in my mind. How successful are the relationships that come from the Web? According to those in the know, about as successful as the relationships born on the Computer screens. Wonderful to know that so many are finding love here. I am happy for those that have found that one true love here. I know what that is like. So then, if Love is in Bloom right here at your fingertips, is there a downside to on-line relationships or friendships??? The answer to that is a For certain... YES!
When we meet someone here and we give our hearts to them, we begin a walk of life that is as real as anything you will ever find "off-line." The love is strong and real and the friendships are deep and true. If you are one of the lucky souls to find a real love, then you have already learned how deep a relationship here can and often does reach. The love and caring for someone here is powerful. It can fill your heart and soul with wonder and beautiful feelings and at the same time, it can tear your heart into tiny shreds. I think perhaps the worst part of it all is that things can happen to those you love without your knowledge. Your friend or Love can suddenly vanish from the web and if you can not reach them here or if you are close enough, by phone, you are left wondering and worrying what has become of them. There are so many things that could be the reason they have not contacted you.
Relationships here are as I said, Powerful!!! They effect your daily thoughts and actions and your heart and soul. As I mentioned before, I have been on just about every scenario that could exist here. I have fallen in love here. I have been hurt terribly here, I have been the cause of hurt and sorrow to many here. I have carried the weight of loved ones and have been carried by those that love me here. I have recieved the "phone call" telling me it is over. i have heard the sadness and tears when I told someone I was "moving on." I have laughed and cried and loved and hated during my 12 years on line. I have also been on the receiving end of two calls, a family member telling me that the one I cared for and/or loved had gone to heaven, never to be heard from again. I have cried hard for those that passed on and the pain is as real as it gets.
But truly, I Do believe that the worst part of loving here, whether it be friendship or so much more, is the not knowing. The hours of fear that something terrible has happened to them. the confusion as to where your friendship or love has gone. No response is a scary place to be and waiting in silence for some sort of word that they are alright. The Net went down or their connection wasn't good. 1000 and one reasons why they are not on, but none of them matter because all you can think about is {"where are they.} Thus is the way of the Net and knowing, caring and loving someone here. Something completely beautiful and something fully frightening, mixed and mingled into two places... your screen and your soul.
Do I recommend meeting someone on line? Would I encourage you to give your heart to someone that is a screen away?Oh Yes, 100%. But..................... I also whisper your way that it can be both fabulous and heart tearing. It has the potential to bring heaven to Earth for you or make life a roller-coaster. At any rate, I would say, try it. Meet someone. Be friends or more. the rewards will almost for certain out weigh any sadness you may ever know. I wish you only the best...

Time alone... is it enough???

2010-11-05T11:31:00.000-07:00

I don't go here often anymore... at least not in writing. I feel the pain and sorrow as strongly today as I did 4 years ago. I hear people say that Time heals all. I listen to people talk about how they live in the present and in the future. The past is no longer an "issue" for them. Hmmmm, I wonder if that is totally true. I too live in the present and the future but both have been form in part by my own past. Places I have been and things I have done created the life that is now and in front of me. Now and then, I still go back.
This morning, listening to an old Elvis tract, he sang "Memories" to me. {Memories, pressed between the pages of my mind. Memories, sweeter as it ages just like wine.......} Words, precious and true that rang through me like church bells, perhaps in part because of the way that Elvis put so much emotion in his words. My heart and mind traveled back for a moment. I remembered our first snowball fight. I recalled the time before our first daughter was born, Time we spent laughing and smiling and playing. We would walk in the rain and never feel it's cold. We would run and reach out in front of our selves, as if we could catch the wind and ride it for a while.
Time heals??? Time does have it's effects on the memories we carry inside of our hearts and souls. I do not cry every time I think of my Sheila. I do not dwell and allow myself to drift away from the present or for go the future for fear I may one day forget. I assure you that forgetting is not going to be an issue I need worry about. But I don't think Time could do what it is somehow meant to be without adding and element to it. New... new memories, new people, new hearts to love and memories to make. That is an element that I believe absolutely Must be present in order to truly move forward. Without new memories to fill in and grow, I think that a person might simply atrophy. Their hearts and souls, their very being needs to be fed new realities. This is what moves a person on after the loss of a loved one. I don't think it is a matter of "Time" as much as it is having memories to add to the old ones and make them not quite as predominate in ones mind. Always in the heart but perhaps a little bit of peace of the soul also.
Today... I think of my love and all that we were to each other. She was my best friend and my lover. She was my safe place and my heart. She was the world to me in so many ways. She will remain all of those things, I think forever but, I am also allowing for new memories and new life to come forth. A new grandchild has come into my life. baby Robert is a gift from heaven and I believe with my heart and soul that My Sheila saw him before any of us did.

Mixed emotions... do we or don't we?

2010-11-03T12:50:00.000-07:00

Rain mixed with sleet... a dangerous combination for anyone that must drive in it. Strange way to start a blog but where I am going with this will help you understand. Deciding how important it is to go out and drive in that nasty mix becomes the thought of the day. Is whatever you need to do needed enough to actually make the trek outside? You already know that there is a chance you could slide or lose control and end up in a ditch or worse.
The same can be said for people that are bipolar or tourrets. Sometimes, deciding whether we want to go outside into the elements {i.e. the world} can be a difficult and scary decision. We know that there is a chance we may lose control or "slide off into a ditch." waking with anxiety levels high makes every thing we decide to do an issue. A simple task becomes monumental and words from a seemingly innocent statement can be so simply mis-construed in our minds. The "what she said-what he heard" scenario comes in to play far too easily. Already tense and often a bit agitated because of our anxiety level, we take things the wrong way. An offer of help or a bit of advise is felt as a personal attack on our mood. The swings from high to low bounce back and forth like a pinball machine. The harder we try to ease the levels of being tense, the more confused or irritated we get. At that point, our actions are taken personal by those that were simply trying to help us.
Fear comes in to play for those that suffer, fear that something Will happen or something Will be said that sends us into a tail-spin. The entire world outside of our safe place {Home} appears to be at war with us. People just waiting to upset us or find something wrong with whatever we are doing. Embarrassment at perhaps having to explain our actions or ask for understanding leaves us even more stressed. A combination of wanting to do something outdoors and the fear of what might happen if we do go outside. This is as dangerous for us as the rain and sleet that falls on a highway we are traveling on. Doing what you do when traveling on those treacherous roads is exactly what we should do when we go out when on a severe high or low. Slow down... take time to watch the road ahead, and avoid situations that might add to the chance of a stronger anxiety attack. Life isn't always easy for sure. There is always something trying to find a way to confuse us or disorientate us. We can only do our best and hope the rest of the world is kind to us...

Robert is here...

2010-10-24T11:10:00.000-07:00

Things I know about... Hmmmm? Babies. I know a lot about babies. I have been watching them in one way or another for about 40 years. I remember as a young man, our church took the "go forth and multiply" verse extremely serious. The families reproduced at an amazing rate and there were children "abundantly" to be held and cared for. My love for babies was apparent and their love for me was equally returned. Parents seem to see the honesty and trust in me and they willingly aloud me to hold their babies during church service. Nothing really unusual except that I was male and few males in the church were interested in holding a baby. It wasn't really "manly" I guess. I really didn't care about that. I just loved babies.
When my sister came to visit us in Canada, she brought her first daughter Lisa along with her. Lisa was very tiny and I found myself wanting a baby so very much. I was 16 at the time and knew then that I wanted a lot of kids. 5 girls was the magic number for me, although my wife and I only managed to have 2 daughters. Both were then and remain one of my life's greatest gifts from God. I was to be blessed many years later with two more beautiful little ladies. The pure, untainted love of a child is something that is unmatched by very few things on this earth.
Babies are a precious gift that God "lends" to us for a time. We love them, teach them about life and watch them grow and become adults themselves. While we are very busy teaching them about life, they are teaching us the same. We learn love and patience and understanding. We learn that we will make mistakes along the way but that our children are forgiving and often never see the mistakes we made while raising them. We shower them with love, both pure and sometimes "tough love." In the end, we hopefully have children that grow to be responsible, loving adults that take what we have tried to teach them and apply it to their own adult lives.
And then, there is the next step in the ladder of life. It is the very inspiration for this write today. Yes, yes and yes-s-s-s-s-s-s, I am finally a grand-father. My oldest daughter and her husband blessed my life with the gift of a baby boy. Robert entered my life on the 12th of October,2010. A wonderfully beautiful little man that weighed just 6 lbs even. Instantly, I fell in love with this little man and he has added such joy and peace to my heart. Never could I have imagined how this little tiny baby could have impacted my life. He has brought so many smiles and so much laughter to this household. Babies are for certain precious gifts. But when that baby is your own grandson, there is an added bonus to it all. Un-conditional love that comes from this baby. He will bring to our lives a new chance to make mistakes and love and smile and laugh and cry. He will enhance our lives and give us reasons to love and spoil and learn new lessons about life.
Robert, the next step in the circle of life is here now. He is beautiful and handsome and a true gift direct from our father God in Heaven. I am thankful and feel graced to have this baby to hold and watch grow. Together, he and I will learn brand new and exciting things to do I will do my best to be a good example... well other than when I am teaching him to write his name in the snow as he "relieves" himself while we walk through the surrounding forest here. I have lived to see my grand-child and I thank God for that gift.

Entrecard... where writers meet.

2010-10-22T11:47:00.000-07:00

Today, there are so many sites that promise to help promote and advance your blog site. some of them even follow through but not without a great deal of effort and time by the writer. The fact is, writers write. that is what we do. It is our passion and our life's desire. We spend countless hours writing our thoughts and our feelings and filling out pages with words that we hope will become a novel or a poem. We seek out sites to help our writing or our blogs and find time to be a great commodity. We Need a place to go that we can be confidant that it will promote for us and out-reach to other writers. A place that does all we need but does not take all of our time.
Entrecard offers exactly that. A place to meet authors and people that share a passion for writing. A place to advertise and promote your writing so that others can share your stories, poems and thoughts you wish to write. Entrecard offers a site to advertise your writings and connect with people of like mind. The other writers can visit your site and see what you are sharing each day. You can advertise on their site, using the points you earn by visiting other members sites. The points can also be turned into cash if that is what you want to do.
Entrecard serves many purposes for writers but the most important pro to using Entrecard is the link between writers and their blog sites with other writers. The best link is the one that leads others directly to your site. That is what entrecard does for it's users. It puts writers where they can be seen and connects them to the rest of the World Wide Web.

Dignity... You can help your loved one.

2010-10-09T09:19:00.000-07:00

I sit here today and think back to my life's experiences. I remember when I first starting writing in this blog, how many things came to me each and every day. No efforts to find things I knew about and to write them down for you, the reader to enjoy and/or learn from. I realized today that life needs to happen in order to have something to write about. And all to often, life is or has happened around us and we didn't even see it. Too busy, I guess, living to really stop and see what we are living for. Sl-l-l-l-o-o-o-o-o-w down if you can. You will be amazed at what you see.
That said, my thoughts do go back to an issue that is very real and up close to me in my life. It is "living" happening. I have dealt with sickness and hospitals and doctors in such numbers, I can not even begin to imagine how many there have been. Sheila's {my wife that has gone to heaven} illness kept us in or near hospitals and doctors for 25 years. My daughters grew up more used to sleeping in hospital chairs and eating fast food on the run than living or sleeping at home. Such, was simply our life and we lived it as best as we could. It was what we did so that we could be near my Sheila as she spent about 1/2 of our married life in hospitals. There were things we strived to do to maintain the one thing that seems to be the first casualty of being repeatedly in the hospital. For that matter, a quick Jot into the ER or doctors office can do the same.
I am of course talking about your dignity. The one thing that no matter how hard you try, somewhere it will be violated. But a new medical issue has come into my families life. Something that I have watched the family come to terms with and draw closer, as a family should when one is inflicted with an illness. This is new to all of us and though you read about it, talk about it and yes, have even made or told jokes about it, when the reality of it comes falling down in your own lap, you stand up and take notice. A loved one in our family was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's. This illness devastates more than one million people and the effects are felt through-out the entire family and circle of friends. Alzheimer's takes your memory and your thought process and can take much more than those precious commodities from you. It also has the potential of stripping the inflicted of their very dignity. I have spoken on dignity in the past and am passionate about how one goes about preserving it for our loved ones. It is a bit confusing when a loved one becomes inflicted with this brain cell destroying disease. The first action taken seems to be to make light of the loved ones actions and inability to remember short term in an effort to allow them to feel less sensitive to the issue. That is quickly realized as NOT the thing to do. This action can sometimes have the very opposite wanted reaction. But then "the road to Hell is paved with good intentions" obviously personifies in part our "good" intentions.
I return to the thoughts of dignity. When a loved one becomes ill, and any number of illnesses can be used here, they find themselves in situations that can be embarrassing. Though we can not take the embarrassment's away, once they happen, we, as loved ones can reach out and lessen the effects of the disease. A sound or action can say to them that they are a bother. Your actions will speak louder than life itself to them. To listen to a story that has been told moments before. To watch a loved one redo something they had just finished doing. To watch them forget for a moment where exactly they are at a given time. These are some of the effects of the illness. They each have the ability to steal away dignity by leaving the one inflicted wide open to an others actions. Taking the time to listen and caring enough to not only listen to a story repeated, but to not let them see in your eye's, EVER, that you have just heard a story. The memories that they DO find are so very important to them. Sharing them and showing an enjoyment in hearing them will thwart any chances that you could make the individual feel as if they are ignorant in any way.
When my wife was walking, she didn't need to worry if her dress was pulled down or if she was sitting properly. She didn't have to ask to go the restroom or eat dinner or even shower. She was treated with respect and knew her worthiness to all that loved her. There are things that even she said she took so much for granted when she could walk. I, as her husband and care-giver had to also learn along our journey to do things for her in a way that it kept her dignity. I learned by watching and by her gentle teachings. When she needed to go to the bathroom when first disabled, it embarrassed her. She was unsure and very young in our marriage, the trust issue was still in in infancy state. Sometimes I would be doing things and she would need me. Life was crazy for us and time was a luxury we seldom were allotted. I would sometimes sigh or ask her to give me a minute. I would sometimes sound exhausted or "put off." I was after-all new to this also. One day while she was calling for me to help her, I yelled I was busy. "Hang on a minute!" was my terrible response. When I "got to her" she sat there silently crying. My heart broke into a billion pieces when I saw what my words had done to her. A guilt I carry with me even today. I took her to the bathroom and lifted her with such care and love. She finished then asked if I had a minute. I assure you, the way I had hurt her assured that I had at least a minute. this is what she said. This... was my first lesson in Dignity for her.
"I often wait until I really can not wait any longer to call you. I do this because I know you are busy trying to care for 2 babies and a wife that can not walk. I do this because I love you and I don't want to put more on you than is already there. But baby, I do this too because it embarrasses me to have to ask for help to go to the bathroom. To have you pull my pants down or skirt up makes me feel very vulnerable. You never complain or say a word but I know it frustrates you as much as it does me. But think of this. How do you feel when you are in a hospital gown and the nurses decide to walk you up and down the aisle? You pull the back shut over and over. You turn beet red if someone sees your butt. That is for a day or two. I live that way every single day. My dignity goes out the window when you have to do those things for me. I just want you to understand that IF I could I would but I can't so I trust in you to be there for me, as you always are."
Through tears that flowed for hours, I heard her words over and over in my head. I thought about how I moved her or how I turned her at night.I thought about the way I lifted her or sat her down. And I began to change the way I did some things. I began to see her as a strong lady, filled with love and caring and the desire to just be respected for who she was. I made sure that she never ever felt like a burden. I helped her with a renewed love and respect that carried us through 100 hospital stays and more doctors office visits than I care to remember. Whatever we did, where ever we went, I made sure that she looked beautiful and was moved and treated with all the dignity she was deserving of. Because of this, she was able to continue life with respect and dignity.
Over the years, the trust issues of course were settled and the way I conducted my self with her was always with the deepest of love. We were granted 19 more years than the doctors gave her and lived everyone of them as wonderfully and gracefully as we could. What a wonderful teacher she was. The Muscular Dystrophy Association has done many studies on Dignity in their patients. they too have learned that healing comes faster when treatment is given with respect to the patients medical condition and their state of mind. Although the loved one in our family does not require such extensive physical aide, it is still so important to allow them to be them-selves and not feel that the illness is a burden to others or that "They" in any way, tax you nor put a strain on you. I pray that each and everyone of you go through this life never having to deal up close and personal with an ill loved one. But should you, remember that Dignity is something you are freely given . You can reach out to a loved one and give them a peace of mind and assure them that they do NOT need to be different in any way. You love this person and they love you. That truly is All that matters.

Writing for You...

2010-09-27T12:54:00.000-07:00

I looked at the name of my blog-site today and it made me wonder. "Things I Know about" was started for several reasons. I wanted a place to put my thoughts. I wanted this place to be somewhere that I could write openly and honestly about issues that effect almost everyone, at least once in their lives. Obviously, the experiences would be a little different from each other since I know that not everyone is bipolar. I know that those that stop here may have loved ones that are inflicted with this disorder. I know that people will stop here for their own personal reasons. They may pass through and never leave a mark on the page. I do hope though that when they leave, they are able to take a little something with them from my own past.
But back to the name of the site here. "things I know about" started out with me telling you, the reader, about how things in my life had taught me new lessons. How the actions or happenings around me gave me choices of how I would react to each of them. And I wrote about exactly that. From being bipolar and suffering from Tourettes to losing the love of my life and how I would deal with it all, I wrote it down here for you to see. Sometimes, I dug so deep into my soul that I felt as if I were standing naked before each of you. I wrote about my smiles and my tears and the heart break of losing someone so dear to me, it was more like a physical part of my body was torn away from me. The pain was as real as any pain might be, should you have your arm or leg ripped off of your body. You felt it in my writing and I bared my everything for you.
When I look at some of my writings that are more recently written, I tried to see something I had learned from the event or feeling I was writing about. When I write about my issues of trying to deal with my mind taking me to dark places, telling you how scared or how lonely or sad I am, am I telling you about things I know about? Am I simply writing my thoughts without giving to you a lesson learned? After re-reading a few of the blogs, I believe that I am doing that. i am telling you the roads that being bipolar takes me down. I am showing you that by my writing about it, being candid, that I Am dealing with it. I hope that I am telling you that you are not alone. That is something I know. I am displaying for you things that you as a bipolar person may encounter and that by remembering something you have read here, you will feel a bit less alone. There is a peace in knowing that others feel what you are feeling.
Even when I wrote my short stories here for you, I am expressing my inner self. Writing is extremely therapeutic for me and so... I write. I write with all of my heart and soul, hoping that maybe it will bring at least of small measure of peace to your souls.
Things I have learned or that I am learning each and everyday are things I want to pass on to you. I will sometimes write abstractly and may even seem confused in my writing. I am sure that the reader has been exactly where I am at the time of my writing. Lessons are brought to us every day in many forms. It is up to us to decide what we are going to do with them. Those days that I wish no longer to be on this earth are choice days. I can choose to stay or go. So far, thankfully, I have chosen to stay around a bit longer. I will continue to write as long as life allows me to do so.

From Beauty to the Ugliness within... My World.

2010-09-21T12:18:00.000-07:00

Autumn... my favorite season of all. I feel energized and a peace about me when this season comes along. Today, one of the most perfect Fall days. It is rainy outside. The clouds are hanging low and dark. Mid-day and lights need to be on to make it light enough to type. Leaves are falling as the rain falls on them and the ground is splattered with the colors of Fall. The grass is still green, with a hint that it might still grow if the Sun would only caress it with it's warmth.
My porch, long and wide with new wood that smells so good and looks so very clean. The perfect setting for a Fall day. A cup of hot coffee, flavored with French Vanilla creamer, is held lovingly in my hand. I look out at the rain, thunder rolling somewhere in the not too distant. A trace of lightening flashes across the sky. Not enough to warrant going inside for shelter. Just enough to add to this Fall day. And then, I catch the scent that tells me Fall has truly arrived. I breath in the fragrance of fire-wood, burning somewhere in this little town. It is like heaven to me and I smile softly to myself. How I wish autumn would never have to go away. The knowledge that winter is just around the corner both excites me and saddens me.
And then I feel it. The tear that is slowly making it's way to my cheek. It's warmth turning to quickly to cold on my face. Another follows the same path as the first tear and my mind begins to wander as it does so very often these days. Do they know??? Do they feel me without me speaking? Do my smiles cover enough to hide the torment that I feel, ravishing my insides... fighting my every attempt at simply enjoying this perfect Fall day? Just like the rain taking the leaves down to the ground as it falls, I do not want to take my loved ones down with me. How my soul and my heart fight one another. My heart so wanting to simply enjoy but my soul will not let me.
Can you imagine living this way? Is it possible to continue to survive when everything you do is turned to tragedy or guilt? A life that any man would beg to have. Something precious that the world searches and steals and lies and cheats just to hold for a moment. Peace, serenity and contentment. They are all mine to have and hold and Yet!!!!!!! I can not find that contentment inside my soul. I think of the bipolar and the tourettes and all that it does to me. Thieves in the night that steal away what is rightfully Mine. A constant reminder that I am Not like everyone else. That I can not simply live my life and not fear that one or the other will pop up at the most inopportune time and whisk away the smile that found it's way to my face. A soul, torn to shreds by wrongs not even his own. tears cried for loved ones because he Fears that they will be sad. Feeling that he IS responsible for their smiles as well as their sadness. Trying desperately to carry their pain so that They can have this beauty and contentment that is so easily his own. A Sadness that over takes me in a way few could imagine.
I stepped out onto the porch again, taking in the wonders that are Fall. I feel the heaviness of all my thoughts and my mind becomes confused. Is it anger or pain or sadness or happiness that is striving so hard to reach the top of my head and escape? Too many thoughts running around up there to really figure out which one will win yet. All I can do is let the day finish out. I will try to pull out some of the incredible beauty of the day and make it my own. I am not greedy. I do not need it all. Just a little bit of this scene, minus the tears of depression. A man, blessed far more than any man, especially This man, ever deserved to be bless, and yet, sadness is my constant companion. I am not an "unhappy" man. I love to smile and make others laugh and feel good. I love to know that I bring joy to some lives and that when I leave this world, I will be remembered in a good way. Will I be remembered as a good man that had a good heart? I do hope so.
Welcome to my world. I wonder if anyone will See the pain I fight every day. Will they read the depth of my sorrows in my words today or will they just see a pathetic nothing, that sits and writes, nothing? Can You feel the depth of my sorrows? Sorrows with not a reason in the world to be there. "I" do not even know where it comes from. I only know that it comes to me during my most serene and love filled times. The highs that are so high, I am euphoric and can envision a fireplace, softly burning, in my living room. I can see myself sitting near the fire, warming myself and smiling as I watch the family going about their day. Such beautiful thoughts. Sighsssss... And then, they are gone. Replaced with a Low that revivals my highest High. Who would choose to live this way? No one would ever ask to live this way. When you doubt that it is real, you give me cause to think that I could have done something to NOT be this way. You crush my very heart and make me feel stupid and weak. Do you know that you do this to me??? Will you cry for me when you read this? I wonder...

Still unsure...

2010-09-10T07:08:00.000-07:00

I am writing my memoirs for my publisher. Something I truly thought would be easy. Wow, was I wrong. I am still trying to decide exactly how healthy this endeavor is for me. Going back to the very places I have run so fast and so hard to get ahead of. In doing so, I realized something. I found that I have done exactly That. I have ran and mostly, stayed ahead of the memories but never truly got "past" them. There is a huge difference in the two words. I stayed one step ahead of issues and events in my life without ever "dealing" with them. I also found that some things I have sworn too, been so very certain that they happened exactly as I tell them today, did NOT happen that way. I lied to my own self to protect my mind from some of the more devastating things that happened. The bipolar or just a mind like everyone elses, now and then?
When I think of where I am today, I realize that I created a world that I could survive in. A world that wasn't always cruel and demanding but that offered goodness and kindness. I have thoughts of how the world Should be and wonder if I wasn't born in the wrong time. I missed the part when the world was a softer place to be. People weren't so rushed and families were exactly that... A family. Not some abstract sense of the word but sat together and ate together and actually could strike up a conversation without having to unload a heap of baggage or thoughts before starting. Not to say that my family did not sit at the table together and eat and talk. We did that and it was good, except for the parts when father and mother discovered we had done something wrong at school or home. It always seemed to come out in the middle of dinner. So, there you sat, picking at your food, knowing all to well that when dinner was finished, the "issue" Would be dealt with. Ah, but look at me now. The very one that just wrote about abstract thoughts and words is busy doing just that. I seem to be all over the place with my thoughts.
I go back now to the origin of this write. How healthy is it to type your memories and re-read where you have been and see the things you have run from appear before your own eyes. I find myself pausing occasionally in my writing of the memoirs. that is something extremely unusual for me to do. I normally sit and just write, letting the energy of writing take me where-ever it might. I fear some of the places I might go with the writing. I known that many family members do not know where I have been in my life. They don't know of the things that created the very man that they question as to whether he truly has issues or is just where he is because he likes to be there. Trust in my words when I say that No One "wants" nor "chooses" to be where I am today. Few would enter such a mind and fewer would survive or come out "sane" if they Did enter.
Memoirs... are they healthy? Do the wonderfully colorful memories I have out-weigh the bad ones? Will I reveal, perhaps, more than I should? I guess I will have to continue writing to fund the answers to my questions. Living in a mixed up, slightly confused and off-balanced world is not as pretty as one might think. Thank the stars that I have my writing...

Writing... is it always safe???????????

2010-08-20T05:58:00.000-07:00

Thoughts chase me down this morning. Something different from the norm for me. I am usually the one that is chasing them, trying to hold on to just one single thought, even if only for a moment. I am sure it is because of the recent offer I was given by my publisher. One of those "want to, should I, Do I dare, scared and excited" moments for me. I have been asked to write my "memoirs" for them. Hmmmmm????
Don't get me wrong. I am excited and feel honored to have been asked. And of course, I am going to do so. Contract is already signed. Quickly, I might add because I know me and did not want to give myself too much time to talk myself out of doing this. But with all the excitement comes the fear. I have led an extremely full life. I have seen things and done things that not everyone in the world has the opportunity and often blessing to do so. I have penned and been published twice. I have cut and produced and sold a CD of my own songs. I have known love and happiness, loss and sorrow, guilt and guiltless actions. I have been from the brightest of life's blessings to the darkest places a man or woman could ever NOT want to go.
So why the fear? I promise there are no buried bodies in my backyard. Well, at least to the best of my knowledge and certainly none that were put there by me. So what do I have to fear in writing about what I think will be a very interesting read by anyone that chooses to pick the book up? I have spent what seems to be a lifetime of living trying to keep thoughts buried back in the far reaches of my mind. People I hurt and things I did that I was not always proud to know I had done them. There are things in my life that few have ever been told about. Secrets that I wrote about in abstract ways so that if someone I knew, close friends or relatives read about them, they might pass them off as just writing.
I have told, behind closed doors, things to my Therapist, that only she knows. There are moments and issues and happenings in my life that the only one who knew of them is now in heaven. A wonderfully full and happy childhood, filled with travels and adventures that walk side by side with those of any explorer you might read about. Frightening things that most would have ran from and yet... I lived them. And of course, there is always the bipolar and tourrettes and whatever else you want to toss in the hat. Reasons why I am the man I am today. Escapes from life and realities and the places that I have been in my life that were and still are impossible to hide from, try as I might.
So here I am, back to the beginning, getting ready to write about all of the things that I have worked so very hard to keep hidden or buried so that I did NOT have to face them. I wonder... will this take me down memory lane, bringing warm and fuzzy feelings to my soul? Am I opening Pandora's box? Will the words I write come back to haunt me or bring back to the surface thoughts and pain and fear that I have so dutifully kept locked behind doors that are hidden behind other doors? This, may in fact be the most "self-created" roller-coaster ride of my entire life. Writing is normally extremely therapeutic for me. In fact, very much so. I wonder if THIS time... I will feel the same way.

Depression touches more than just me...

2010-08-04T08:00:00.000-07:00

Sitting here thinking this morning, a different sort of thought crossed my mind. I was thinking about how Low I feel and I jumped into the "bipolar" moment. Not unusual for me, but this time, my mind went a way it doesn't go too often. I realized that not ALL Low moments have to be because one is bipolar. I thought about life in general. So many things have changed for me in the past few years. Some of them very good and some of them, well, the jury is still out on a few things. Life as a whole can be enough to send one into a depression. There are bills to pay and work to be done. Projects to start and issues to settle. Now the "projects to finish" will leave to the bipolar in me. Anyone that is bipolar or loves someone that is knows all to well that there are 30 "started" projects that can be found all over the house and yard and garage ad where-ever else that person may have been.
But the pressures of life are not indigenous to only bipolar people. Wow, what a reality check, huh? Probably not for a lot of you. But for me this morning, it was. After doing bills and watching the checkbook quickly go from full to nearly empty, my spirits sunk lower and lower with each check filled out. I wondered what I even tried for. Why not just blow it all on some foolishness and let the world settled the debts? Happens every day of the year, at least 100,000 times. And trust me, for one that walks in the realm of being bipolar as deeply as I do, it would not be are hard as one thinks. I can thank my parents for giving that extra boost in teaching me responsibility and the knowledge that it is probably the only reason I do not do just that. I sit and shake my head as I finish with bills.
Don't get me wrong. I am thankful every day that I DO have the money to pay my bills. In today's world, so many people are not as fortunate as I am and I Do know this. But still, I felt the tinge of a massive Low coming on and that is when I had the thought I had. The world is tough today and for many these days, it is about survival, not living. Not getting a head but keeping your head above water. A shame, that in a country and world filled with riches, that life can still kick our butts in such a harsh way. But again, it effects everyone, no matter what your mind set may be. Yes, these things, for most of the world pass and they move on. For me, the bipolar in me will roll in this for a while and then plummet me into places that most of the world would not ever care to go. I will shake my head a few more times, try to reach out at a thought or two that is not so dark... and think some more.
My point though is that low moments are not mine exclusively. They belong to most of the people in the world, at least from time to time. Nothing new to some but for me, this morning... New.

To be embarrassed or Not to be... Bipolar, it's not just for breakfast anymore.

2010-07-25T20:21:00.000-07:00

I continue writing about Bipolar and it's effects because I noticed something in the responses from my readers. It was the same in almost all of the comments and showed me there is still an issue with being Bipolar. So many readers responded with thanks for being Open about my disorder. I had to sit and think back to when I realized there was truly a problem for me. It has been a long time and my memory struggled to bring back that time for me. Or perhaps, it was more of ME that didn't want to remember back Then. Was I embarrassed? Did I not want to tell anyone? Was it a "dirty little secret" that I wanted to keep all to myself?
We need to have a look at what the medical field calls the Medical cause of Bipolar. {{Bipolar disorder is frequently inherited, with genetic factors accounting for approximately 80 per cent of the cause of the condition.}} Chemical issues in the brain also are believed to be a cause of some becoming Bipolar.http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/docs/CausesofBipolarDisorder.pdf reading more makes me think about whether we have any cause to be embarrassed that we are Bipolar. It says that not only is sometimes handed down to us but that also, it can be caused by a chemical imbalance in our brains. These two things alone show me that it is not our choice to be the way we are. As was said in my blog comments, NO ONE asks to be this way. So then, are we to be embarrassed by the fact that we are bipolar? If we stay embarrassed, nothing gets passed on to others that may need to know they are not alone. The people that love us can not learn what is the best way to live with us or to deal with us when we are going through a "mood swing."
Can I say that I am never embarrassed at the fact that I am Bipolar? I can Not... times when I shake or twitch at the wrong time. Freaking out over seeing a bunch of sheep or having to turn away from a commercial that has that Damn Burger King, king in it. Finding it impossible not to Baa like a sheep when i see one and making the sound inside my head when people are close enough to hear, bursting inside for having to hold it inside. Of course I am embarrassed by these things. I have tourettes along with the Bipolar. The out-bursts are totally embarrassing, BUT...if i didn't talk about it to my loved ones, didn't tell You, my readers that I do the same things You do, then how would we each know that we do Not suffer alone???
I hate being what i am. I am at the same time, scared to death of whom I might be if it was gone. There is sadly, a comfort ability in being what I am. It is a place, a world I have settled into and live with as best as I can, each and every single day. I search for ways to lessen the harsh reality of what i have. I write... i am a writer. A published author who also has a CD out of 13 of my own songs. I am talented in so many ways. I am nothing! I fail where I so wanted to succeed. I hurt people's hearts because of how i am. I become lost in a world of darkness that lures me to the side of a cliff. Without my writing, I would be completely lost.
The reality of it all is this. You Will have family and loved ones that do Not accept that what you have nor your "issues" are anything that you can not just "get over." You Will have people that turn the other way when you try to talk to them about your disorder. Some because they think it is not real and others because they do not know how to deal with it nor what to say to you. the truth of it all is also that you will feel very alone and "disconnected" from the rest of the world, more times than i care to say. Life is a constant battle and happiness is a fleeting moment that says The higher your high, the bigger the smiles, the lower the Low that follows will be. And one more truth... YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Remember that, please. Some where out there is someone just like you. And somewhere out there is someone that Will love you exactly the way you are. Never stop believing. We live in a world of thoughts that are so fast we can not grab even one to fix it. But, we Live. That is what really matters.
I hope this helps some of you and gives you a comfort zone to reach out to loved ones and tell them what is happening in your world. If you do not, they will assume that they have done something wrong. Do not let them carry a burden that does not belong to them. We are what we are and we must choose to face it and live it, or be out cast forever.

Anger... Just another piece of an abstract puzzle

2010-07-16T14:51:00.000-07:00

Oh yea... and there is that other part... I forget sometimes that there are more sides to bipolar and depression than simply not caring. I am by nature a very gentle man. I can be spurred to anger but mostly, I would rather walk away and let time settle a confrontation than look it in the eye. Mainly because I know that anger will rise and I hate that. But then, today I found myself allowing or at least acknowledging that there is a side that gets angry. Anger at myself for the way I am. Angry at the people around me because they are around me. Knowing I would be angry if they were NOT around me. Crazy? Mixed up? Sounding a little "oxy-moronic???? Well, that would be my frame of mind.
But my thought at this moment is the fact that I do Not anger often and when the sadness has taken me this far, it begins to feed on its own self. The fact I AM angry at those I love for no reason truly upsets me. I have no way to explain it nor to shove it out of the way. I tell them I am in a low and the are loving and understanding. I should not want for more than that and yet... here I sit wishing it were all different. Wondering why I need to be this way. Trying so hard to pull out of this Low ad yet at the same time, feeling comfortable in it. Ahhhh, nothing quite like abstract to leave you spinning and twisting, trying to find a place to sit down for a moment. I believe I may hate the anger part of this the most. It is so out of character and I want so badly to be happy.
Tears of sadness and anger at myself cause me to want to find a place and just hide away from the world. Sometimes I think the most insane part of it all is knowing the insanity that runs through my head is the most content place for me. I am more comfortable sometimes when life is so busy and so insane that I can't tell if i want to smile or laugh or cry. At least then, I am not angry at even the way the air is blowing through the window. Poor air... as if it did anything wrong. But then again, neither has anyone else that must feel the sting of my sharp tongue or feel the heat of my anger on their eardrums, for no apparent reason at all. Shame the hell on ME! The only crime they have committed is loving me. And thank God they do!!!!!!!!
Oh Lord, let this one pass soon. The next step isn't any prettier. In Fact, it can only do one of two things. get better or, get a Lot worse. This one has lasted too long and the dark places it takes me are places No One wants to go. Trust me! And so, anger with no reason to be here nor any rhyme or reason is SOOOO here. Let's be thankful that I am not in any way a violent man. This anger will be turned on ME, not any one else. And I will deal with it my own way.

A silent killer... Depression and Bipolar.

2010-07-13T12:01:00.000-07:00

Being Bipolar, I often wonder how much of the depression I suffer from is caused by the disorder and how much would be there if I was not bipolar. I often think of this disorder as a "silent Killer." Perhaps that seems a little much or ridiculous to some but for those out there that suffer from it daily, hourly, even sometimes by the minute, I think there is an understanding in my words.Sometimes things you can see or feel being on the cycle of depression and thoughts that are at times too dark to even describe. There are also the times that we could NOT slow a thought or the millions of thoughts that race around in our head, long enough to even decipher which thought it was that brought on the darkness. There is only the knowledge that it exists and that it can and will take you down long roads of sadness.
I don't cry where someone can see me so there must b no issues, right? The desire, almost more of a need to find a place to be alone becomes so strong. {You don't want to be around your loved ones???????/} Wow, you must not like them very much. {You just snapped at someone you love for no reason...} Wow, you must be in a bad mood. {You were just seen smiling and laughing so hard.} There can not be a whole lot wrong with you...Get Over IT!!!! These are just a few of the things I hear and some from friends or relatives. And of course "It is just in your head. You don't have to be this way!" REALLY...? I can not imagine myself nor anyone else ever, ever wanting nor asking to be "this way."
I cry in secret so I don't have to hear "What is wrong with you???" I can not answer the question and to stand and stare at whom ever is asking makes me feel like an idiot. And so, life goes on all around me, people very often oblivious to the pain and sadness that is taking over my thoughts. I want to cry and I want to be alone and I can NOT do anything to change it. I DO love those that watch over me and love me. I can smile outside and cry inside at the same time. What you do not see does not aways mean it is not there. I try to think of what has caused THIS one to come to the surface but there simply is Not a reason. Again, it is simply there and now I must try and ride this one out and ope the end finds me still able to do the things my family needs me to do daily.
I think perhaps, the that keeps some of the depression just below the surface is the knowing that there are those I love dearly that do not think there is anything wrong with me. They believe I can rise above it all with a simple thought. they are sure that my issues are no greater than anyone elses and that may in fact be true. But it doesn't mean i am weak or just not willing to move on. Some with the exact same disorder do move on and do live a normal life. I am very happy for them but please don't think that we always share the sadness or ability to face the things that have brought us to this place. Each person is different in some ways. Each of us share different reasons for feeling worthless or that we give nothing to this world that the world would not do fine without.
I wonder what my existence actually adds to the world. Have really given anything to anyone that they could not have gotten from someone, anyone else? Read this and feel my sorrow and fear that I will one day lose all that is precious to me. See the darkness that envelopes me now and fills me with doubt about everything and then tell me why ANYONE would pretend to have this or ever WANT to be this way. I only wonder how long this one will go on and if I am strong enough to walk through it all. I guess only time will tell for me. And remember please, what you do not see may in fact really exist. I have learned over the decades of suffering how NOT to let people see me in my darkest moments. Only those that are near me every day know and not always then either. That is why I call this the "Silent Killer." Hang on tight... this is going to be a bumpy ride...

AmericaHealthInsurance.com

2010-07-11T08:38:00.000-07:00

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With company's closing their doors in what has become a nearly "daily" happening, the need for an affordable health insurance is more important today than ever before. Family's, children included, are going without health coverage because they simply can not afford the high cost. AmericaHealthInsurance offers something for you, no matter what your situation may be. Healthy Americans that don't share the burden of worry over affordable health insurance can find a HMO that will suit their needs. AmericaHealthInsurance offers you another type of coverage, should you find yourself in need of Catastrophic coverage. Better known as "major medical", this coverage is something you will be glad you have should you be seriously injured or need repeat medical attention. Any type of coverage you are looking for, Including "life partner" coverage, an option not offered by all Insurance Companies, is available to you through AmericaHealthInsurance right now. Log in to AmericaHealthInsurance and ask for a quote today. You will be glad that you did.

The Right Choice...CLAIMENTLAW.com

2010-06-29T08:20:00.000-07:00

I was riding my motorbike along a side street. A car came out of an alley and before I could get out of the way, the car struck me. The driver claimed I drove in front of him and he could not stop. The driver is the one that did Not stop before existing the alley. I knew I was going to need a good Law Firm if I was to win. CLAIMENTLAW seemed to be the one I needed. Claimentlaw.com came to my rescue. They took all the evidence and found that I was not in the wrong.
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Awesome Powers Unleashed...

2010-06-28T11:23:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, we have to take a second look at things before we see the real truth. This being said, I had just such an opportunity to do that this weekend past. A beautiful wedding, a wonderful time spent with friends and family made up the substance of my weeked. Their was laughter and joy and smiles and song. All the elements needed to make it a perfect day. And oh yes... there Were Storms!
A 4 hour drive back from Orange City, Iowa turned into a 7.5 hour drive because the weather decided to turn nasty on us. There were 5 of us in my vehicle. We were closely followed by my sistr and brother in law and bhind them was the third vehice in our little caravan. That vehicle held two of my nephews and my niece. I was driving a 4WD Jeep Commander. The other two vehicles were small cars. The storm hit just before we left the reception hall. The rain was falling so hard that you could barely make out the vehicle directly beside you. Lightening filled the sky at 3 to 5 second intervals. Hail pounded the ground and it's sting nwas felt as we tried to gas the vehicles up for the long haul home. Sirens wailed in our airs and the threat and probability tht a Tornado was nearby had us all retreating under the only cover we could find. Trees.
Needing more than wanting to keep moving, we took a chance and left the town. We could no have imagined at that moment what the night would become for us. The rain was relentless and the roads were 90% unseen, at Any speed. 230 miles laid between us and home. At an average of 35 miles per hour, we knew it was going to be a vey long drive. We were forced to pull off the road more times than I can truthfully recall because of the excessive winds and rain. No matter what direction we were traveling, the Storm stayed directly on top of us. Darkness was only as long as the in betweens of the Lightening. Winds pushed the SUV over to the left side of the road too many times. We talked of stopping but power to motels along the road was taken out by power lines being torn down by the storm. The highway was covered in trees branches that were only seen moments before the vehicle ran them over.
At two places, we came to rods with overhead train tressles. The road dipped into wat might as well have been a huge soup bowl. Thewater ran directly to that spot and became a 3 foot deep pool that we Had to go through or stop the trip all together. The option to take a new route was not even feasible. Highways were sealed off going into towns and to turn back would have put us face first directly in the path of this fierce and mighty storm. So travel on we did, watching the headlights of the two cars following us, disappear in the water as they followed us through the ravines. Some were sick from the fear of the storm. Some coddled in the backseats, praying and softly crying. This storm stayed with us the entire trip home and had more opportunities to side swipe us and leave us at the total mercy of the elements.
My thoughts are this. Through out the trip I kept thinking that this storm could and very possibly would hurt us in some way. 4 miles behind us, a town had been hit a few hours before we made our trip. Houses were taken down to the basements and Pig Confines, holding 300 pigs each, were leveled, killing the pigs as it ate its way through the fields. This same storm was here, on top of us, threatening to do the very same thing to us as it had done not so long ago to those pig confines. And YES!!! I was scared beyond just worry. I was afraid for the little girls we had in the back seats. Iwas terrified for the family that followed us so close, watching our moves so they could mimic them and avoid debri. The awesome power of the storm, of God's own breath, left me full of every fear you could imagine. With a flick of his finger, he could send us sailing off the road and into whatever happened to be in our path. The smal cars behind us taking the brunt of this storm as they tried to keep their vehicles on the road. God's awesome power had been unleashed and we were in the very center of it all. fear gripped me and I closed my eyes to pray.
Looking back, all I could see was the power that could kill us all in an instant, no warning, no selective destruction, simply we were in the wrong place and a very much wrong time. I had thought of how quickly we could all be hurt badly or killed. But then, it hit me. God's awesome power did not only mean the power to kill or hurt us. God is good and he has the power, just as easily to wrap his loving hands around us and protect us from what could be so horrible. His love and our faith were the two elements that could and DID bring us to our homes, alive and safe. His awesome power held on to us and kept us on the road. He touched our lives and brought to me, at That very moment, comfort and took away my fears.
I write this today to show you that he has the power to, with but a single breath, wipe out everything in the path of his winds. But I take this moment to Glorify his name andgive HIM the credit and the thanks for bringing three families home safely. He IS awesome and His Love is great. A beautiful wedding and a beautiful ending to a very long day...

George... Just a cat????

2010-06-22T10:33:00.000-07:00

Because life goes on, we go on. Sometimes not out of reason but out of a need to see what tomorrow may bring. Perhaps it will be better than the day before it. Death reminds us of our own mortality. Seeing something or someone you love die often brings you to a place of wondering. Abstract thoughts from an abstract mind. Animals... creatures we take and domesticate and make our own. We take from them love that they give to us, unconditionally. they become not just an animal in our home. They are family... children that we care for and love and share our lives with. And when we lose them, it is very much like losing a family member.
George, a Female tabby with a male name. So named by a man that lives with being bipolar every single day. To see her named a male name is nothing strange to those that know me and love me. It is simply the way it is. For over six years, George, the name, fit as well as George, the cat, fit into my life. Does it seem a bit strange to write about a cat? Not to my mind or in my world. It seems perfectly normal. She was tiny and she loved to be loved. Know by most of the family and friends that knew My George, as the cat with claws or "the Nasty one", George completed the litter of cats that are part of our home. She stood her ground and often, when she was bored, she played tag with the other cats. Slapping them as they slept, she instigated many high speed chases in the house.
And... in the night, when the day was finished, George faithfully climbed int bed with me and slept on one of my arms. She gave kisses and snuggled as close as she could to me. She followed me through the house and waited atn the window, watching for me when I needed to go somewhere. She was more precious to me than I can convey to you in words. If you are an animal lover in any way, you understand my words. You feel the loss and sadness of losing something you truly love. Though I am no idiot and understand She was a CAT, the loss is great and I will miss My George. I will miss the joy she has brought to me and my family. A nasty bacteria took her from me. One that hits without warning and cripples a cat from the knees down. A blood clot on her legs took her ability to move them. An autopsy revealed the clots were only two of so many inside her tiny body. An aneurysm on her heart would have exploded one day and killed her one day not far down the road. Her lungs were scarred from the pneumonia she had when I took her off the street. So many ailments and yet she never showed signs of any of it bothering her. She simply craved and took and gave Love.
Just an animal???Hmmmm? I guess I didn't see her that way. I saw her as a companion and friend. I wonder how many others cry at the loss of an animal in their family? I hope that my perception of mankind isn't tainted or saddened by finding that I am odd man out by feeling the way I do about losing George. My tears are for a friend, not a "just an animal." We take them into our homes and our hearts and they become such a part of us. When they die, we mourn them and wish they were here. Seems I have been here, done this not so very long ago.

And "This too, shall pass.... 'gimel, zayin, yud'

2010-05-27T14:38:00.000-07:00

'gimel, zayin, yud'... {translation>> This too shall pass}. Words written on a ring given to King Solomon. Powerful words that caused this great King to replace his smile with a frown. He realized in reading those words that everything he had, all that he possessed from his riches to his wisdom would one day be gone, just as everything on Earth was destined to be in time. Simple words written that have flowed down through the Centuries and been re-told and re-quoted and even claimed by people that had no right to claim them as their own.
So what has this to do with anything I am writing about today, you may wonder. The answer is, Everything. The words crept into my head today, completely out of no-where, I might add. Nothing really new for me. Sadly, they did to me exactly what they had done to a King, thousands of years before I was even thought of. Centuries have passed and yet those words took me from that smile to a state of depression in less than an instant. A place that has left me today, evaluating, analyzing my life and what I have or have not accomplished. The feelings that whatever I Have done in this life, it is destined to pass away one day.
The only real chance one has of leaving their mark on the world is to do something great! Something bigger than life. The fact that it is "bigger than life" allowing for that person to live on, long after they have left this world. Elvis did that. Hemingway did that. Even Wyatt Earp did exactly that. Singers, writers, cowboys... common people that became Uncommon by their works. They did not hide away in some room, working every day to try and find that song or novel that would make them a household name. Perhaps not the dream or desire of every person, but certainly the dream of THIS man. But... I think of the people that stand on corners and sing their hearts out, hoping for that one break, one song, that will take them from the corner of "15th avenue and no-where's land" to the memories of people they have never met.
What is this really all about today? The face of depression. A look inside, up close and very personal, at what depression looks and feels like. Playing and replaying a song. Crying inside for reasons you don't even know. looking back on where you have been and what you have accomplished and feeling a bit lost and empty. A void that one tries daily to fill but can not. Sadness that makes you want to avoid contact with anyone for fear you will suddenly be over-whelmed with sorrow. Fear that you will never reach the top of the Mountain you have climbed and feel from and climbed again. Sorry that you can not talk to anyone because you simply can't find it in yourself to strike up a conversation.
" 'gimel, zayin, yud'... This too shall pass." I wonder sometimes. Will it pass or simply find a place to hide until a time when it suddenly surfaces again, the reason again not really known. Surely, time will pass and perhaps I Will find that special word, that chapter or 10 that grabs the attention of someone that says "Wow, let's make this available to everyone." And If I do find it, will it too then "pass"? I wonder if the world really understands the words I write here today? Words written between lines that will go unseen. Songs playing over and over in my mind. In time, will any of it really matter?

Silence can be so Loud... Final Chapter

2010-05-26T23:07:00.000-07:00

As the knife neared his heart, Kindred thought about the woman he loved. He thought about the monster that was going to take his life. And he thought about the souls that had plagued him all of his life and had suddenly ceased their desires to see him dead. In an instant, it all came back to him. The abuse as a child that had created the man that he was today. The hatred and the love he had received, a mixture of good and evil that caused the very way he thought. His daily actions as well as the way he loved and left were a direct result of the abuses he endured through out his entire life. He realized that the fear of loving forever was given to him by this woman that sought to kill him. He thrusted his hands out in front of him, stopping the knife less than an inch from his heart.
"N0, Mother! I will not let you take from me another moment of my life!" Kindred pushed his mothers arms away from him. He leaped to his feet and faced her. "I should thank you for trying one last time to kill me."
"The pleasure will be all mine, little boy," she hissed at him. "I will love watching you die. But mostly, I want for your girlfriend to see it all! I want her to see what I saw that day! You, her love, dieing right in front of her!"
She lashed out with her knife, cutting Kindred across his arm. The cut went deep and Kindred stepped back away from her. Blood ran down his arm and the pain was excruciating. His mother through the knife at him, striking his side. Kindred pulled the knife free and tossed it into the trees. From the side, he saw Clarise stand slowly. She walked to Kindred and placed her hand over his wound. He touched her hand and smiled soft.
"It is ok, sweetheart... it doesn't hurt anymore. She can't hurt me anymore. I know now that the pain of her slapping me when I tried to love her no longer matters. It was long ago and i have found love with you. Nothing else matters now."
"I am not finished with you, Kindred!" A gun appeared in her hand. As she took aim, a familiar voice rang out behind her.
"You are finished with him, sister." They all turned and looked into the face of Kindred's Uncle and Aunt. "You promised if we disappeared long ago, you would not try to hurt him. You broke your promise and so we are here to protect him again."
"Then I will just kill you first, like I should have done long ago!"As she turned to fire the gun at Kindred's uncle and hard breeze blew through the trees. Kindred watched as the ladies he had loved once all rushed at his mother. She fired the gun but the bullets went directly through their forms. They pushed into her and the gun turned in her hand. A second shot rang out and Kindred watched his mother fall to the ground. Blood ran from under her body and her lifeless eyes stared out at nothing. No longer did they possess the look of anger or hatred. They simply stared.
"From us to you, Kindred..." was the last thing he heard from them before they faded completely from sight. As quickly as they left, so did the wounds from them disappear from Kindred and Clarise. Only the cuts inflicted by his mother remained. His Uncle and Aunt embraced him as Clarise tended to his cuts.
"I am free, Clarise. Free to love you and stay at your side forever. She can not hurt me ever again. I simply had to stop allowing her to do so."
"It appears, my darling Kindred, that the souls have forgiven you also. Now, with your Aunt and Uncle here to help, we can get on with our lives."
"Stay with us for as long as you like, Kindred. We are not going anywhere."
That evening, Kindred and Clarise walked hand in hand through the forest. Kindred stopped and looked up as if he were listening to something.
"What is it, love? What do you hear?" Her heart was racing with fear.
He smiled at her and kissed her. "Nothing, sweet lady. Do you hear that? I hear the sound of silence for the first time in forever. Silence, used to be so very loud...

Silence can be so loud... Pt 7

2010-05-25T09:30:00.000-07:00

Kindred searched his mind for a way to stop the souls from attacking Clarise. He knew that when they were finished with her, he would be next. His mother stood near the cabin, watching with eyes that held pure hatred. Hatred that he knew was for him alone. Her voice was no longer soothing nor comforting. He listened as she chanted to the souls to kill him.
"Make him hurt as badly as he hurt me! I want to see him suffer a horrible death!"
Kindred turned to face his mother. He had killed once for her to save her life. Now, she wanted him to die. He thought about the souls and how they to wanted him to die. "Why", he wondered. "Why would they want me dead if they said they loved me so? It doesn't make sense."
A voice whispered in his ear. The sweetness of his Clarise enveloped his entire being. He put his ear closer to her lips and listened.
"You have found your answer in your very own words. Search your soul and you will be free."
Kindred thought about what he had said. He realized that the answer had always been there. He simply needed to understand the "souls." He turned and faced the trees. He could see movement and knew the dark people were watching. As he stood, the "dark people" came out of the trees. He could see their forms, their bodies, For the first time. Suddenly, the souls stopped ripping at Clarise's body. Kindred walked towards the "dark people." He watched closely as the souls began to meld with the dark people. The faces were all familiar. The faces of every lady he had ever loved and hurt. He struggled to understand what was happening, his mind going 1000 miles a minute. As he stood in front of them, one reached out and brushed his face with her palm. The feelings was calming and soothing. He could see sadness in her eyes.
"Katie, why are you sad? What does all of this mean?"
"Oh Kindred". Her voice was soft. "You have suffered so terribly because of us."
"No, not you. You, the people that came to me in the dark were good to me. It was the souls..."
"Our souls, sweet man. We were split in two when you left us. The side that loved you, will always love you, became your protectors. The side that hated you and wanted you to hurt as much as we did when you left, became the souls that wanted you to hurt."
"Why now? Why did you rejoin your souls now?What made it all change?"
"You did, Kindred. You saw your mother for who she was and is. You see her hatred and still, you love her. The lady that has your heart lies dying here. We are sorry for that. Your pain, the selfless giving to protect her and her willingness to die for you made it all happen."
Another of Kindred's past loves stepped forward. She too touched his face. She sighed at the feelings she had while touching his skin.
"Kendra... I am so sorry for the way I..."
Kendra kissed his lips to silence him. "Sorry isn't needed. You suffer every day with the pain you put us through. Your own soul has been forever tormented. We are the ones that say sorry, not you. The wounds will heal in time, but the scars, they will be with you a very long time. But no more will you hurt because of us. Go and save that one that loves you most. You no longer need to bleed for us?"
"I still don't understand! Please, I need to know how this happened."
"When we took from you, your heart and your passions, we tried to make you give to us what We wanted, needed... Craved. You gave without getting back. We wanted only to be loved by you. When you asked how we could love you and yet hurt you so, we knew that our love had taken from you your freedom to move on. Your allowance of our wounds gave to us all of you. Now, we wish you no more harm. We also simply want to live and love again."
"Then I need only to let you go for me to no longer bleed for you?"
"Yes, Kindred, Yes!"
"But I do not know how." His tears flowed like a waterfall as he spoke. "I don't know how to let go."
He feel to the ground and cried out as he held Clarise in his arms. Suddenly, he felt the sting and then piercing pain in his shoulder. He turned and looked into the face of his Mother, her eyes dark with horrid anger.
"I can help you "let go", little boy! I will send you to the place you sent the man I loved. This is where I give it all to You!!!"
The knife was lifted high into the air. Kindred watched as his mothers arm fell, the knife quickly closing in on his heart.

Silence can be so Loud... Pt 6

2010-05-24T05:52:00.000-07:00

Clarise held on to Kindred as tight as she could. He walked to the door as if he were in some sort of trance. "Kindred, please listen to me. She is not going to help you! She will hurt you like she always has. She wants you to suffer like she thinks you made her suffer! If you go outside, the souls will be waiting for you too!"
As if Clarise had pushed the right button, Kindred stopped. He looked at Clarise as if he had no idea where he was or why they were here.
"The cabin, Kindred. We are at the cabin to stay safe. Your mother wants you to go outside so she can destroy you. She doesn't love you. She never loved you. But I do, Kindred... I love you exactly the way you are. Stay with me Please?"
"I love you too, Clarise. We have to end this. You know that we can not go anywhere until this is finished. Now I see it all so clearly. Mother never did love me. She only needed me because when Father was hurting me, he wasn't hurting her. I was the buffer that allowed her a time to recoup from his cruelness."
"Yes, yes, Kindred." Tears flowed from her eyes as she touched his face. "But he is gone now. You no longer need to protect her from him."
"And the souls, Clarise? How do I defeat the souls? They are still out there, waiting."
"You must find a peace with them also. Understand that you were not responsible for their happiness nor their sorrow. They chose to be with you and took the same chance that everyone who falls in love takes. Your heart simply wasn't ready nor able to give itself to anyone."
"They don't care, Clarise. They still want their souls reunited with their hearts. How do I do that? It was so many years ago."
"We have to face them to find a way. Pray that the "dark people" are near by. One by one, we will defeat them. We have to leave the cabin to do that."
Kindred took Clarise' hand and touch her in his arms. He kissed her deeply and held her close to his body. "I love you, Clarise. No matter what happens, remember I truly have loved you."
Kindred opened the door of the cabin. He stared into the face of his mother. She looked to be 100 years old. The anger and hatred had taken away her beauty and left only a shell of the woman he once killed for.
"Kindred, my baby boy" she said to him, with her arms out stretched. "I am here to save you from those terrible ladies. Come be with me, little boy."
Kindred looked at her open arms. Arms that had teased a little boy so many times, only to strike him and hurt him when he reached back for her. He pushed her away from him.
"No Mother, I will not reach for you again. The little boy you seek to destroy is gone. He grew up into a man. You can not hurt him anymore."
Suddenly his mother's face became contorted. Her anger was all that could be seen. She struck his cheek with her fingernails. Blood ran from the wounds and Kindred stumbled backwards.
"You stupid little boy! You will never grow up! You will never know peace or happiness! I will see to that! Souls... the souls are here and they will help me kill you! Poor, poor ladies. Taking from them the love they so craved and needed, just like you did to me! Shame on you, Kindred!"
Clarise watched in horror as Kindred's shirt was torn from his body. Cuts began to appear and Kindred cried out every time a new cut appeared. Kindred did not try to cover his heart this time. Clarise stood in shock and fear as he allowed the "souls"to rip at his chest. His mother scratched his face and his arms until they too bled. Clarise thought the look on Kindreds face was one of relief, not fear or pain. The wounds seemed to give him a pleasure of some sort. Or maybe, Clarise thought they gave him Strength. She wanted to help him. Clarise grabbed his mother and tossed her to the ground. The look of surprise was in his mothers eyes. She stood and scratched at Clarise. Clarise again pushed her to the ground. She turned a again to Kindred.
"Fight Kindred... get up and fight! We can defeat them!"
"I am facing them, Clarise! One by one, I am facing them, remembering and apologizing."
"Kindred, they are killing you! The souls are taking a little bit of you each time you remember. You think you are winning but they are stronger. Call to the "dark people". Call them Now Kindred!! The souls are taking you away from me!"
The cuts seem to lessen, but Clarise could see that as they did, Kindred became weaker. They truly were killing him, one soul at a time. The cost of forgiveness seemed to be very high. Clarise had to find a way to stop them. Kindred's mother rushed her one more time. This time, Clarise held nothing back. She did not have the luxury of time to do so. She met her with a force that knocked Kindred's mother completely off her feet. Her body fell backwards and her head struck a rock, hard. Blood trickled from where her head had hit the rock, Clarise cared none whether his mother was dead or alive. She only knew she could now focus on Kindred.
An unseen force hit her in the chest. Her blouse was ripped open as Clarise felt the first sting of pain from a cut to her chest. It was followed by another and another, so quickly that Clarise had no time to protect herself. She collapsed to the ground, beside Kindred. Blood covered her body now. The wounds were deeper than before. She could feel life ebbing out of her. She reached over and took Kindreds hand in hers. She stared deep into his eyes.
"I love you Kindred. I would never hurt you as they have done. Their memory has haunted you for so Long, love. Destroyed your childhood and seeped into your adult stage. I will die for you if that's what is needed to save you. I have known your love, felt your heavenly touch. I have no regrets."
Her body spasmed as more wounds appeared. Kindred realized that While the souls were so intent on killing Clarise, they were Not trying to kill him now. She was drawing their attention, just as he had done for his mother so many times as a young boy. He could see... feel her letting them take her so that he would live. He suddenly knew what he had to do to save them both.
"N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!!!! I will Not let you have her. She is mine! I am here! Come and destroy me if you think you can!"
As if he were a magnet, suddenly his body was ravished with cuts and blood. The souls seemed almost in a frenzy. Kindred looked down and saw Clarise, her body lifeless, her eyes wide open.
"N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o, No-o-o-o-o-o! Damn you!"
He fell to the ground beside her and covered her body with his.

Silence can be so Loud... Pt 5

2010-05-21T05:25:00.000-07:00

The cabin looked as if it were 20 miles from the car. In reality, it was only 100 yards.The length of a football field. It seemed so much further to Clarise and Kindred. The cuts and scratches were deep and their bodies were weak from the last encounter. Kindred ran to Clarise and tried to shield her body from the unseen souls.
"Just keep running, sweetheart. It isn't too far now!"
They reached the door and realized it was locked. Standing still was the worst thing they could do. The souls cut as deep as they could. Kindred could hear their voices as they tore into his back, trying to reach through to his heart. He cried out and pulled Clarise to his chest, covering her heart so the souls could not touch it. Kindred tried to put the key in the door. A deep laceration to his hand caused him to drop the keys. In desperation, he reached for a brick and ran towards a window.
"No-o-o-o-o-o Kindred," Clarise called out, "Do Not break a window! The souls will use it to come inside the cabin! I'll get the keys!"
Kindred dropped the brick and ran back to Clarise. She stood with the key in her hand. She was trying to unlock the door but the blood running down her face was clouding her vision.
"I can't see the key-hole, Kindred! Please, help me!"
Kindred grabbed the keys from her, stopping only for a moment to touch her face. He wanted to cry, but he knew he needed clear eyes to unlock the door. Clarise fell to the ground, trying to protect her chest. Kindred turned to pick her up.
"No, no... for God's sake, for My sake, just get us inside the cabin! They are too strong out here!"
The door suddenly opened. Kindred reached down and scooped Clarise off the ground. He carried her limp body into the cabin, kicking the door shut with his foot. He laid her on the sofa and feel to his knees. Tearing his shirt off, he tried to wipe the blood from her face. Clarise appear to be lifeless. He quickly checked for a Pulse. A sigh came from him as he felt the speeding "thump, thump," of her racing heart. Clarise stirred under his touch.
"Safe, Kindred?"
"Yes sweetheart, we are safe for now. They can not come inside the cabin. Apparently, my Aunt and Uncle's spirits are still protecting me here. Let's get cleaned up and allow these wounds to start healing. Then we will find a way to beat these things, once and for all."
They showered and put on clean clothes. Kindred found food in the pantry and the refridge. The cabin appeared to be well stocked and the freshness told him it had been done recently.
"I don't know who has been to the cabin. I thought I was the only one that knew of it other than you and my mother. I seriously doubt that she stocked the cabin for me."
"Right now, I don't care who did it. I am just relieved we are here. Kindred, we need to talk about one more thing. This is something you, yourself, will need to help me with. I understand where the "souls" have come from. You mention the "dark people" and speak as if they help you. Please tell me who they are. I need to know if they are friend or foe."
"During the worst times of the abuse, I would go to a wooded area behind our house. I would stay there sometimes until far into the night, waiting until I thought my father would be passed out. It was during those times that I would try and escape from the realities of my life. Sometimes I would drift to sleep and the "dark people" would come to me and help to heal my wounds. I could never really see them but I knew they were there. Somehow, they made my hunger go away and made my belly fill as if it were full. They would touch me and make my cuts hurt less until they healed. I call them "dark people" because they only came in the night and I could not see them."
"Something your mind conjured to cope with the horrible things that you were fighting."
"No! No, you are wrong, Clarise. They were not fake nor fabricated by my mind. They truly exist and have saved my life more times than I can remember."
"Kindred, I am not belittling them. I am just saying that perhaps..."
"When we need them, they Will be there for us, Clarise. I need you to believe or they may not help us. Sooner or later we are going to have to go outside. I won't do that until night time. I, we need the help of the "dark people" if we are going to win."
The windows shook as the "souls" tried to enter the cabin. Kindred walked around the cabin as if he did not even hear them. Clarise found herself clutching at her chest at every sound, fearful that they would get inside somehow and take her heart. They slept off and on, feeling safe to drift off, without the fear of the souls coming in through their sleep. Clarise was startled from her rest by the sounds of a door slamming shut.
"Kindred!?!?" She looked at the front door. It was still locked. Searching through the cabin, she panicked when she realized Kindred was not inside. She raced to a window that gave her full view of the forest. Her eyes searched frantically for Kindred. She called out to him from the window. Suddenly she heard the front door open and saw Kindred enter. She threw her arms around him and kissed him deeply. As quickly as she had done so, she shoved him back away from her.
"Where were you!?!?!? Why did you go outside?!? You left me here alone, damn you!"
Kindred took her in his arms. "You were safe inside, Clarise. I had to be sure the "dark people" were here with us. They will be here when we need them. I hoped they might have some answers for us as to how to defeat the "souls."
"And???"
"Clarise, you do know why I was institutionalized, right?"
"They told me it was for your own safety. They believed that you were hurting yourself... that the wounds they found on you were put there by you."
"They locked me up because I told them of the souls and dark people. I tried to explain that those that hurt me, used me for their own pleasure and satisfaction, mainly my father and his insatiable appetite to inflict pain, had created a new world for me. A world where I could be safe and without shame and pain. They tried to be kind but told me that that world was not real. I lost control and they sedated me. They made me Sleep, Clarise! In their good intentions, they opened the door for the souls to come in and try and kill me. When they came in the next morning, saw the wounds and my bleeding, they refused to believe that the "souls" had done it. The doors were locked and my nightmare became my reality. They would search my room for anything I could have used to cause the new wounds every night. They would find nothing."
Kindred suddenly stopped speaking. Clarise saw his eyes widen and fear take over his looks. She stared at him as he looked around slowly. Then, she too heard it. Her heart beat twice as fast and she took hold of Kindred's hands. The voice was soft. It sounded so gentle and kind. Clarise held Kindred closer.
"Do not listen, Kindred. Cover your ears! Do something to block it out!" She knew he wasn't hearing anything she was saying. He heard only the soft, reassuring voice of his Mother.
"I will save you, baby. Mommy loves her baby. I won't let any more harm come to you. Mommy knows how badly you hurt. Let me take it all away for you. I Love you, Kindred. Please don't leave me out here, baby boy."
Clarise held on to him tight. She cried out and wrapped herself around him. She panicked when Kindred stood, as if she were not holding him at all. She screamed as he walked towards the door.

Silence can be so Loud... Pt 4

2010-05-19T08:24:00.000-07:00

Clarise wondered if bringing so much back to Kindred's memory at once was a good thing. She feared it might be too much for him to take in while he was still battling the "souls." She also knew that knowledge was strength and that without knowing all that he was up against, Kindred was far too vulnerable. She took his hand in hers and held it tight.
"During a "visit" from your mother a few years back, your Aunt and Uncle disappeared. Your mother had tried to steal you away again. Your Uncle discovered her pushing you into her car. She had found a way to Lure you back and was about to leave when he found you. Feigning kindness, she led him away from you, out of your sight. Your mother had a way with deception and somehow she made him call out to your Aunt. When the authorities came to check on you, they found the cabin empty. They searched for you and your Aunt and Uncle for weeks, using dogs and people. Your picture was all over the news for a week. Someone called in to say they had seen you with your mother and authorities closed in on the area. They found you in a warehouse your mother had rented and took you away. Your Aunt and Uncle were never seen again. It has always been believed that your mother killed them and buried the bodies somewhere."
"They were never found though and that means they could still be alive."
"Kindred, that was so long ago. If they weren't killed then, they would have starved to death long ago. If they were alive, they would have come to you by now."
Kindred did not respond to her. He stared straight ahead and drove.
"Kindred, there is something else we need to talk about before we reach the cabin. It is important."
"We will be safe at the cabin. You said so yourself."
"Yes, I did, but we can not stay in the cabin forever. Sooner or later we have to go outside. We already know the "souls" are right with us. We saw that when you stopped the car. We have to discuss the "souls." The only way to beat them is to face them. What is it that you have done to them that has caused them to follow you."
Kindred slowed the vehicle down as he looked at Clarise. Such a beautiful woman, with her long tresses of Auburn hair and her intoxicating green eyes. Kindred drifted back to when they had first touched... first melded into one. She had opened a new world to him. A world that showed him that there could be love without payment. That he could give and be given to. Not a one way street but pure, unconditional love. He had fallen in love with her from that first moment of passion. He was still, very In love with her. He looked away before he spoke.
"I took their souls from their bodies."
Clarise looked into his eyes, tears streaming down his face. "How Kindred? How could you take their souls?"
"I broke their hearts and by doing that, their souls had no where to be. All the years of abuse had opened doors into places you don't even want to imagine going. I found portals that hid me from the shame of not being able to stand up and fight for myself. Places that a little boy could go that allowed me to Not be where ever the shame was. But the portals were not free to enter. I had to pay in souls. Each time I broke a heart, I exchanged their sorrow for my safety. Now, they want to be reunited with their hearts. Each time one heals, their souls try to destroy me. That is the only way they can be restored."
"Then we need to find a way to return their souls with out you having to die."
As Kindred thought about what Clarise had said, the cabin appeared through the trees. He could see that the bark had been torn from the Pines that stood around the cabin. He knew exactly who or what had done the damage. He stopped the car and looked at Clarise.
"They are already here, Clarise. They will be waiting for us when we stop."
"We will have to run as fast as we can to the cabin. Once we are inside, we will be safe. Just don't stop or look back, Kindred. The pain will only last for a while."
Kindred pulled Clarise to him and kissed her deeply. He had fallen In Love with her all over again. She didn't care about the pain she would have to endure for him. Never in his life had he been loved this way. Their kiss was broke by the sound of unseen hatred rocking the car from side to side. They kicked their doors opened and as their legs were exposed, blood and pain and screams became their only thoughts.
"Just make it to the cabin, Kindred. Don't stop..." Her voice was replaced by the most horrible screams. Kindred felt his heart skipping beats, breaking for the woman he loved.

Silence can be so Loud... Pt.3

2010-05-18T04:41:00.000-07:00

Clarise shook Kindred's body as hard as she could. She needed to wake him from his deep sleep before the "souls" ripped her body into shreds as they were doing to Kindred's. She did not want to uncover his body but the pain from the unseen enemy was becoming too much for her to bear. She feared she might pass out from it all and then Kindred would be lost to her forever.
"Please Kindred... wake up Now, before it is to late!!!"
The souls pulled at her body, trying to roll her over. Clarise was no longer sure if they wanted to reach Kindred's body or wanted to get to her own heart. As long as she protected Kindred, she too was the enemy and the target of their hatred. She felt Kindred's body move under her. She could feel him fighting back. Whether it was toward the off or wake, she was unsure. The only thing that mattered to her right now was that he Was fighting.
"Clarise." She heard her name slip from his lips. "Help me, Please."
"I am here, Kindred! Wake up and look at me! See me so that they will go away! They are hurting me, Kindred!"
As if a light had been turned on suddenly, Kindreds eyes were opened as soon as Clarise had spoken those last words. She watched as he looked around quickly, felt his arms move around her body. In one single move, Kindred rolled over completely and covered her body with his own. She immediately felt the unseen stop tearing at her body. The change from such intense pain to no longer feeling them hurting her was so over whelming, Clarise remembered only looking at Kindred for a second... and then, she passed out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How much time had passed since she had fainted? Where was her home, her bed? She knew they must be in a car, as she could feel the movement, hear the tires singing their song as they rolled down the highway. Clarise sat straight up and looked at Kindred. Her body ached from the cuts on her skin. Cuts that seemed to be healing quickly. She felt the back of his hand gently caress her cheek.
"I am sorry they hurt you, Clarise. Soon we will be to the Cabin, where we will be safe for a short time."
"Don't be sorry, Kindred. I wanted to protect you. I was where I was by choice. I remember you waking and covering me with your body. That is the last thing I can recall."
"I bathed you and treated your wounds as best I could. They Will heal in a short time. They always do. All but the memory will be gone. That part, it pains me to say, I can Not take away nor fix for you."
"Sh-h-h-h-h-h-h, it's o.k. We will fix this together, sweet man. I assume we are on our way to the cabin."
"We should be there before day break." Shadows lit up the trees as they passed them. Lights that appeared to be out of place, flickering all through the darkened forest. She watched them appear and then disappear. Kindred looked at Clarise. "They know where we are going. Both the souls and the dark people will be there when we reach the cabin. We are safe inside, as it has always been for me."
"Yes, we will be good inside, at least until they find a way inside."
"Tell me why, Love. When they "Shocked" me at the home, I lost so much memory. Only the terrible things remain for me. You are the only link I have to them. Why am I safe there at the cabin, Clarise?"
"After your father died, your mother's anger and bitterness became fierce. You were found to be not guilty of any wrong doing by the courts and that angered her worse. She kept her feelings silent during the proceedings and the court sent you back home to her. She picked up where your father had been when he died. She would beat you and cut you, holding you after she was finished, until you stopped crying and hugged her back. And then..."
"And then, she would start again. I remember things when you talk about them. But why is the cabin so safe?"
"Your aunt and Uncle would come to take you on weekends. They brought you to the cabin and tried to make your sadness and pain go away. They even fought for you in court but the "powers that were" thought it better for you to be with your mother. She would find you here sometimes and wait until you wandered off into the forest alone. She would attack you until your Aunt or Uncle would find you. They would take you into the cabin and chase your mother away. She could not get inside the cabin to harm you. The cabin remained your place of safety after that."
"What happened to them?"
"Isn't it enough to absorbed for now, Kindred?"
He stopped the car and looked at her. "Tell me what happened to my Aunt and Uncle, Clarise. I must know!"
Suddenly, they felt the car rock to one side and then, to the other. The windows rattled as if they were being torn from the car. Things heard, but unseen, struck the windshield over and over until a crack appeared in the center. Panic was in Clarise's eyes as she began to scream and cry.
"Drive Kindred, drive!!! I will tell you about them after we are back on the road! Hurry, please! They are going to get inside if you don't drive Now!"
Kindred put the car into drive and pulled out on to the road again. The shaking stopped and all that was in front of them was the highway again.
"Now, Clarise... tell me where my Aunt and Uncle went to."

Silence can be so Loud... Pt. 2

2010-05-14T05:18:00.000-07:00

"They will come looking for you, Kindred. You must know that." "I do, Clarise, but they won't find me. You know that I can be sure of that, don't you?"
"I only know that I want to protect you in any way that I can. This is one of the first places they will look for you. They know of our bond. We have to find a place where you can hide until we can think this through."
"Clarise, it is not the people from the "home" I am worried about. The souls I have hurt have come back. They are trying to destroy me before I can make it all right." Kindred stood and walked to her radio. He turned the volume up enough that he felt it would drown out their conversation to anyone but them. "They can only reach me if it is silent. When the home took my music away, they came back. The further away I get, the harder it is for them to find me. We need to get to the cabin as soon as we can."
Clarise studied Kindred. She watched his eyes flutter from side to side as if he were watching for something, someone. She knew she could deny him nothing. He had saved her life more times than she could remember. She loved him very much but she also knew that staying with him meant having to watch the horrors she had tried so hard to forget since he had gone away.
"I'll take some time off from work. We can leave as soon as you want to."
"My father was a cruel man, Clarise. It was because of him that I became what I am today. He forced my hand when I was just a child. I only thank him for causing me to search out the people in the dark. They saved my life and in turn, I found you. I only wish others could see them, like you do. Then they would not think me crazy."
"You are far from crazy, Kindred. You are the smartest man I have ever known. Have you talked to the people in the dark yet?"
"No, but they know I am free right now. They always know. We should get to the cabin as soon as we can. As much as they know I am free, so do the "souls." Once we reach the cabin, I will seek out the dark people and they will tell us what to do."
"Kindred... you do know that you did Not hurt all of those souls, right? Have you come to realize that yet?"
"If that is true, then why do they seek to kill me? Help me, Clarise. Help me to remember, please."
"I found you five years ago, Kindred. I was coming home from work and saw something in the road. I wanted to just pass it by but something told me to stop. I found you, curled in a ball, the rain falling on your face. I was drawn to you immediately and tried to help you into my car. There was something out there that night. Something both good and bad. They tugged at you as I was putting you in the car. The voices were a mix of "save him" and "let us have him." When I got you into the car and touched you, I could see into your mind. I saw the little boy, reaching out to his mother for comfort. I heard her words of hatred, felt your very soul cry as she slapped you. Over the next four years, each time I touched you while you slept, I learned more. I saw the people that you tried to help and watched each and every one of them want to be with you. I saw women fall in love with you only to hate you when you told them you were leaving. I saw men want to be You and have your knowledge and your charm. They tried to destroy you when they found they could not have it."
"And you saw the dark people come to me? You saw the souls of those that I had hurt trying to destroy me?"
Tears streamed down Clarise's eyes as she held Kindred. She wasn't certain if she held a man in her arms or a little boy, still reaching out to his mother. She cried softly and felt Kindred's huge fingertips brush the tears away.
"I saw it all, Kindred. I learned that the "dark people" had come from another plaine, somewhere far away from our own world. They came in the dark to help you. Times when you were alone in the silence, vulnerable to the "souls."
"And the souls? Tell me again where they came from."
"They too came from another place. A place that is evil and cruel. The place that your father exposed you too every time he struck you or your mother. He opened some portal that you and I closed for a while. A place that somehow has been re-opened."
"We have to go there and close the door forever, Clarise. You know we must."
"Yes, Kindred... we must go there. But remember, we might not win. If we lose, we both may die."
"Do you love me enough to go there with me, Clarise?"
"I do. We will go to the place in the mountains that you first found them and face all of them."
"We won't die, Clarise. We will win this time, completely. We will spend the rest of our lives together."
Clarise watched him as he drifted off to sleep. She layed him down on the bed and covered him. She layed beside him and tried to sleep. She wondered if her own words were true. Would they survive the silence?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clarise was suddenly startled from her sleep. She heard before she saw Kindred fighting in his sleep. She turned and saw the blankets pulled back. Unseen fingers were tearing at his chest. The skin was torn away and blood covered his body. He screamed out in the night and tried desperately to fight off the creatures that were trying to steal his heart from his chest.
"Just take me... make it all end!!!!!!"
Clarise heard his words and tossed back her blankets. "No-o-o-o-o Kindred, No! Do not give in t them! I will not let you go!"
Clarise covered his body with hers. She screamed out in both shock and pain. Never had she felt this before. Never had they torn into her skin. She writhed in pain but refused to move from Kindred's body. "Fight, Kindred, fight! Don't you dare give up now. I just got you back and I am not going to lose you again!" Her body was filled with unimaginable pain. She cried out again and again, still refusing to let them take her Kindred. "Wake up, Kindred" she cried... "Please wake up for both of our sakes!!!!"

Silence can be so loud.

2010-05-13T07:22:00.000-07:00

It didn't last long... it never did. The pain stayed with him just long enough to remind Kindred that he was not alone. The watchful eyes of the souls that had felt the sting of his whip were never far away. Unseen fingers reached out from an Abyss and ripped at his skin. His chest bled as the souls tried desperately to tear his heart from his body. His screams of pain went unheard by most. Perhaps they were more un-noticed than unseen. Either way, it mattered very little to him. The only thing that Did mean anything to him was freeing his soul from the ones he had hurt. Each cut, each shredding of his skin, brought him closer to that reality. But how much more did he owe? When would enough truly be Enough!?!?!?
The walls, white as the purest first snowfall, surrounded him on all sides. The voices echoed in his brain like the sound of a huge church bell, ringing in the new day. Kindred held his hands over his ears but the sounds came from inside, not outside. His hands did little more than warm his ears. They blocked nothing out. Not the bells, not the voices, not even the screams of the souls, waiting for their release to their final resting place. He had to escape from this place that held him hostage. He had to find the woman that could make this all go away. She had been the only one that had ever truly loved him. His Father dead before Kindred was nine and his mother... oh how she hated Kindred. She would have rather stayed with a man that beat her daily and smelled of whiskey and urine than to have seen him dead at the hands of her only son.
Kindred was only eight years old when he slipped into his mother and fathers bedroom, that terrible night. His father was too busy tossing his mother across the room to notice him enter the bedroom. Too fixed on causing Kindred's mother to hurt in ways one could not imagine without going a little bit insane to see him walk up behind his father and take aim at him. His father only noticed Kindred in the room after the second shot rang out. He turned and looked at his son, both anger and pain burning in his eyes. His father, in his last moments of life, grabbed Kindred and threw him across the room. His mother, the woman he had just killed to save, threw herself onto his fathers dead body. She cried out as she held his lifeless form in her arms. Kindred, laying crumpled against the bedroom wall, heard his mothers words of hatred. They were burned into his young mind forever. Words that would set his feet on a path of destruction that would touched every soul that came into contact with Kindred.
"You horrible boy!!!!!! You just killed the man I Love!! You shot your own father!!!!!!! I hope you rot in Hell!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I have to get out of here! I need to find Clarise. She will help me escape this insane world that reaches out to destroy me. She understood I wasn't a bad man. She knows I had to do what I did."
The door to his room opened. The intern was new, unfamiliar with the patients locked behind the doors. Kindred seized the opportunity and over powered the young man. Tossing him by his foot and arm into the far wall, Kindred watched the young man fall to the floor. His mind spun, and for a moment, he saw himself laying where the young man was. He heard his own crying, listened to himself pleading with his mother. "I love you Mother! I did it for You! Please love me Mother... Please, please forgive me! I Love you!" And he saw his mother stand and walk over to him. He knew she understood. How could she not. He had just killed the man that had hurt her since long before Kindred was born. Kindred saw himself reaching his arms out to her, ready to be held and loved. And for the millionth time... Kindred felt the sting of her hand on his face. Oh how it hurt.
"I hate you!!" were the last words Kindred would ever hear from his Mother.
He walked out the door and made his way outside. He had not seen the outdoors in a very long time. The intern had $18.00 dollars in his pocket. Kindred would pay him back as soon as he could. He hailed a taxi and went straight to Clarise's house. Her car was parked in the driveway so he knew she was there. Kindred paid the driver and walked up to the door, ringing the bell as he watched the taxi pull away. Clarise opened the door and Kindred saw first fear in her eyes. The fear was quickly replaced by confusion.
"Kindred, how... what, what are you doing here? I thought..."
"I had to get away, Clarise. Please, I beg of you, don't turn me away."
Clarise touched his cheek with her tiny hand. She opened the door wider to let him inside. "I would never turn away from you, Kindred. I love you. Come in and tell me what happened. no one would tell me where you went to. I truly thought you were dead." She hugged him tight.

Depression... Not just another word.

2010-05-08T07:29:00.000-07:00

Here it is, Saturday morning and I am ready to write about a subject I have written on many times before. I write often about it because i believe that in one way or another, it effects more people than perhaps people know. It's out-reach goes far beyond the person that has this disorder. It touches the lives of not only those near by but also the lives of people often not even associated with the inflicted. I am writing about depression, an illness that effects more than 19 million Americans and 1.7 million across the world. I write about this because sometimes I will go to a site that is dedicated to depression and after reading it I feel as if I know little more if anything about what it really is.
Depression to many is simply a word or a diagnosis. So you were told by your doctor that you are depressed. D-u-u-u-u-u-h. You pretty much knew that when you went to see them. But what does that really mean to you and to those around you? We all have our bad days or days we simply feel like the world is against us. What separated you from a million others that caused your doctor to say "hey, you are depressed.?" That is really one of the questions that rarely are answered for us. There is still so much unknown about things like depression and about Bipolar disorder. Sometimes I think that the real answers come from the very people that are effected by these disorders.
Depression touches so many lives in so many ways. I live it daily and feel it almost always. One difference between myself and someone that is having a down day is this. People have down times but their life in general is a happy one. That isn't to say everything is grand for them. It merely means that though they have a bad day now and then, the good days are more common. For myself and millions others, I have the opposite. I have good days but the sad or lost and confused far out weigh the good days. When i am having a "grand" day, I am still fully aware that tears or sadness or the feeling that I simply am not good for anything or anyone is always just a breeze away. Anything small can and too often does trigger those feelings and changes my entire day... sometimes, my week or month. I don't "bounce back" and go about my daily routine. I carry it with me and as the day or week goes on, I add to it until the weight is too much to carry. Sound familiar? I am sure to many of you, it does.
People, medical sites can tell you all about the medical effects of depression and/or being bipolar. It doesn't really click unless you feel what they are saying. I don't mean have the symptoms. I am talking about Feeling the very words of someone that has been there or is there. I am writing about those that love someone that is suffering because they too suffer right along with you. To watch you go through battles inside, knowing the very best they can offer you is an ear or to love you often leaves them feeling useless to you. They want to help you but don't truly know how. And how do we expect them to do something that we ourselves have no idea how to do, even for ourselves? And so... we take on that guilt as well and make it our own.
Being diagnosed, as I said before, is just a term. A simple word that is tossed around so easily today that I often wonder if some even really know what it is. It isn't about being sad for a moment or even fora day or two. Hell, life does that just because it is fast pace and demanding today. The very best of the Lot feel that. It is the silent, behind the scene feelings that are destructive. The feelings that no one would nor could understand and so we suffer alone, in silence, crying in secret, feeling as if we serve no purpose other than to hurt those around us that separate us from the rest of the world. It is the need to feel and to know why we are this way that drives us. Answers that never seem to come. Doctors and therapists telling us what medically can be done and us, inside, screaming "no thank you!!!!" Fears that no one but those that suffer can imagine, whether real or self induced, fears that are as real to us as the very air we breathe.
If you suffer from these disorders, I hope you have a good "support team." The safe places we have, few and rare, are the only thing that gives us reason to continue the journey our feet have been set on. Loved ones that really Do care and that truly Do believe that there is something not quite right for you are more important that anyone could imagine. And those that Do NOT believe or that feel there is nothing wrong with you that you can not simply "get past it", can destroy all that you are without even realizing it and sometimes, sadly, without even caring. They have a way to bring you to places they do Not even want to try and imagine and for certain would not EVER want to follow you there.
If you are someone that lives with or around a person inflicted with depression or bipolar and you love them as best as you can, then I say God Bless you and thank you for that. You may in fact be a binding tie that keeps that loved one here on this earth. You too have a "power", or perhaps I should say a "gift" to touch and help that loved one survive and function in a world that is mostly abstract and threatening to them.
I don't know that I have written anything different or new here today. I hope that I have at least caused you to stop and think for a moment. To reach out and grab One thought for a minute, something that for those of that do suffer consider a rare and beautiful moment. Depression is sooooooo much more than just a website that writes about it. It is a way of life for some of us. Rough, sad, scary or otherwise, it is our world and we need You, the one looking in from the outside to believe that it IS real. After-all, who would ever ask to be This way? Ahhhhhhhh, but that is another write all in itself. Darrel

Stress and writing... a great release.

2010-05-01T09:23:00.000-07:00

Funny how when ever I have deep thoughts, this is where I come to. It is the writing that releases the inner soul and allow me to drift away from life around me now and then.I find myself almost in that "looking down at yourself" sort of feeling when I write. I am sometimes amazed as I watch the words appear on the screen as if they were there and simply needed to be activated somehow. My thoughts become a bit abstract and I move from place to place and try to remember where I have been since the last time I came here. Perhaps... I should come here more often.
I saw my therapist yesterday. There was a time that a statement like that would not have been made public. It was almost embarrassing to have anyone know you were seeing a "Shrink." Today, I think it is almost a status thing. If you live and breathe the air, you see a Phsychiatrist. There is no shame in it. People see therapis for many different reasons today. We live in a very fast pace, stressed world today. Life is non stop and the entire world seems to be shortening the time that was used for "getting a good nights rest." The sleep we used to almost covet we now have replaced with the World Wide Web, better known to most as the internet.
At night, when the world used to sleep, I am sitting up, staring at a screen, sometimes typing to a friend, other times doing work that brings me in a nice supplemental income. Whatever my reason for being here, I Am here until the very wee hours of the morning while my family sleeps, not 25 feet away from where I sit. It relaxes me to be here and gives me a place to lose the days events or to write them down so that I never forget them. It doesn't steal away hours of family time as the family sleeps as they should. But for me, and I think Millions of others around the world, sleep is a needed evil that only happens because my body insists.
As I was saying aout "abstract"... I went off the beaten path for a moment. Or did I??? Stress can take from you the very essence of what sleep is intended to do. It robs you of the sleep that yourbody needs, wether You believe that to be so or not. Even when you do succumb to your bodies desire, hmmm... more insistance that you lay dow to sleep, your mind is never ceasing to keep thoughts and images and fears and needs from invading your precious sleep time. Andddddddddddddd, back to my "Shrink" visit. When I feel the stress of the world around me, I want to run somewhere and hide. I want to find a place where no one knows me and just be one of many that owes no one an apoligy or takes on the pains or burdens of someone we love.
It is no secret to most of my readers that I am Bipolar. I suffer daily from a disorder that leaves me spinning at times. It causes my mind to go places that most would not go and those that dare to would run screaming away as fast as they can. For me, it is simply my world. Stress is a daily part of my life, as it is with half the world, I am sure but for me, it is just a little more... did I say "little?" It is a lot more ummmm, mixed up. Stress brings to my world fear and nervousness. I find ways to deal with it and try to go on with my day as best I can. Some days, the "other team" wins.
Sooooooooooo... She says, {my Shrink} that it is good to think and try to find alternate ways to deal with the stress in my life. Funnel it towards something positive like my novels or writng or singing. Something that will take the many abstract thoughts and channel them into something good. So far, again, the other team is scoring and looking towards that Victory Bell to ring. She says that in facing the issues that keep my sleep away, it may help to make them not so prominent in my mind. We shall see. ;) My real point here is to say that writing is a healthy alternative to an unhealthy thought mechanism. It gives me a place to be and a world where no one judges me nor looks at me differently. Because truly, I am not so different from you or you or you. I simply see things diffently than others might. Not always in a bad way. I wonder in my mind how others deal with their daily stress and if Others feel the need to get away from their daily stress, just for a little while, to try and grab a thought here and there and find some peace that will allow the to sleep One night, without interruption. Does that exist in the world I live in????

Life is Crazy that Way...

2010-04-21T03:37:00.000-07:00

We start out searching for a place in this crazy world. We travel sometimes to find it. We find people, friends, places and avenues that take us to new and different realms and levels of living. Sometimes, the work we do and who we work with gives us a feeling of stability. For some, it holds them and they are content forever. For others... like me, there is no content.
I am a writer. It is what I do. And this writer wants to travel. I want to be inspired by the things around me. I want to look at a house and see a new novel. I want to travel around, find a plac that inspires my soul and write. Stay there until I need more content and then find a new place. The world inspires me and sometimes, it is the very thing that blocks my thoughts and slows my writing. I think this is true of so many authors, perhaps more so in a fiction writer. More abstract their thoughts.
Love that touches your soul is a novel waiting to be written. There are moments when the love is confused and that life steps in and mixes up your emotions. This too is a novel in the writing. Loving and caring and sharing with someone the depths of your everything is a novel. Infusing into your writing your own lifes experiences I believe is a given. You draw from the things you have felt inside to write words of love and sharing, sadness and pain.
You see, home for me, as a writer, is where my shoes are set for the night. It is the place I sit and write. This wanderers heart, never truly content where he is, is the heart, I do believe of every writer. Seeing the world through story telling eyes. A writer lives inside their novels. Their very essence tranfers to the book and things they only dream of happening can and do come to life at the touch of a keyboard. And so I wonder... How is it that a writer finds contentment? What is out there that will cause a writer to call his/her house their home? I have not found it yet, not even in my novels. And so... I continue my search.

Write to forget??? An Oxymoron?????

2010-04-15T15:45:00.000-07:00

WWriting... something we all do at one time or another but for different reasons. Some write to remember. We write our memoirs and our diaries of everything important that happens to us as we grow up. If it begins to fade a bit from our thoughts or memories, we need only to turn a few pages and we are there again. There are also those that write to forget or transform something painful and make it less destructing of our hearts. That may not make sense but trust me, it is real. Maybe that statement deserves or even screams for an explanation. The statement itself almost takes on the appearance of an Oxymoron. If you write about something, it seems a little doubtful that you are going to forget it. I think differently. Depending on how you write or what image you put it into.
Imagine if you will, you as a child. A hundred things scared us as children. There were the shadows on the wall and the sounds just outside our windows. A noise in the night that sounded too much like "monsters" under our bed. "Monsters Inc" made that very apparent to us all. A Little Sully or Mike scratching around in the closet would send any kid into their mommy and daddies room for the night. As that child grew, he took those "monsters" and made them fuzzballs or dust bunnies and the scarey creatures no longer existed. They were transformed into something that could not hurt us.
Take that same idea and place it on a life happening. The loss of a friend or a loved one is both scarey and painful. To deal with the sorrow and the feelings that steal sleep and cause us to wander far away in our minds is nearly impossible. We do whatever we can to lessen the pain that wracks our souls. We get busy with projects. We surround our selves with new friends or travel to places we did not travel while we were with that loved one. that, is a little like drinking 4 or 5 whiskey sours. It dulls the memory and pain while the whiskey works but then, in the end, the pain is there when we wake. The only difference is we have a headache to remind us of what we did.
And writing can do what? Taking the sorrow and the pain of remembering we lost someone we love very much and transforming it in type to good memories or lessons in life can help to allow you not to go back to the loss quite as often. Remembering the good times and putting them down on paper, or in most cases today, on screen, does help to forget. Not to forget the one we love so much. That I believe is not something that will happen. But to see the happiness that was shared gives us cause to smile. As we smile more, we cry less. Funny things we shared with that loved one brings a different memory to fill in where the sadness was.
We have the abilty to create stories that have a different ending. We can reach into our hearts and from those tears, turn the ending to one of joy. Writing is with out a doubt, theraputic. It gives us a place to go so that our hearts and minds have a chance to heal some. It opens new avenues and tells us that life has gone on and that you Are going to some how survive. The wonderful thing about writing is that we can meld with the words and go to another place where the sorrows are filled with smiles. We can write with a passion, so fast that we forget the real reason were writing. And the best part of it all... you won't wake with a headache.
Take your sadness and make them something new. Remember all the good times. Let your mind wander to when you were happy. The monsters are only under your bed as long as you allow them to be. No Alligator is going to bite your hand and no "Chucky" doll is going to drag you under the bed, unless you continue to believe that it will. As I wrote this, I remembered the beauty of a love eternal. I thought about what made me smile and... I smiled. Writing to forget really isn't as Oxymoronic as one might think. It won't rob you of your memories. It simply makes them a little nicer to sleep with.

To the Miners in West Virginia... God Be with you All

2010-04-09T09:19:00.000-07:00

I was reading my last blog and suddenly, I felt a little shame come over me. I was thinking about a cup of coffee and a donut. And then I thought about how truly trivial that sounds when compared to what is happening in West Virginia right now. A dear friend of almost 15 years and her family sit somewhere outside of a mine that had an explosion 3 days ago. To date 25 miners are known to be dead. Four remain trapped inside of the mine. Where, they are unsure. Alive? Also unsure. There are pods that they can reach for safety but it is not known if the last four found their way to it.
I take this moment and this space on my blog site and dedicate it to the 25 people that have died and to those that remain in question. The family that is dear to our home waits outside the mine, hoping, praying, that their husband, father, friend, brother... All that he is to these people, is safe somewhere inside. I pray for them and cry for them and believe with them, as it must be. Families go down into the mines every single day, knowing the dangers and yet also knowing that it is the only way to feed their loved ones or keep them in clothing and a home. I read the words of some that say "Why would they want to work in such a place?" Why? Because it is where they have made their living for generations. It is what they know and what they do to survive.
I say "God Bless" them and God bless and be with the families that have lost their loved ones. I also say "Pray" for those that still wait, a cup of coffee or a donut so very terribly irrelevant to them right now. I offer my love and caring and prayers for the families of the miners and pray God brings to them some measure of peace and strength through what I can Only imagine has to be the most terrifying moments of their lives. God Bless you My friend and God Bless the Miners.

How do You define "comfortable?"

2010-04-09T07:29:00.000-07:00

What really does it mean to be "comfortable? I hear people say all the time, "I don't need to be a millionaire, I just want to live comfortably." I sit back and think about what that means. I am sure it means something a bit different to everyone. I will be the first to admit that a Million dollars WOULD make me feel comfortable. ;) But the truth is that the measure of being comfortable is as simple as this to me. I want to have enough money that all of my bills are paid with out hesitation. I want to own a nice vehicle and have plenty to eat. I have all three of those things. So am I "comfortable?" No, I do not consider myself comfortable when it comes to actual cash flow. I am certainly Not without, but not rich by any standards. So what do I consider to be really comfortable?
I love coffee. I crave and trust me, lol, I Need coffee in the morning to turn from "Mr. Hyde" back to myself. I enjoy donuts now and then. Perhaps, according to my "not as trim as I would like" physique, I enjoy them a bit too often. At ant rate, I enjoy things that are not so huge but that make me smile. There are mornings that I do not have the 3 dollars it takes to grab a coffee and donut. When that happens, it is not my stomach Nor my Physique that suffer. It is my mind. I work to keep money flowing from the sale of my novels and Internet work. I bring in a nice income and live nicely. But those times, which everyone I think has or has had somewhere in their lives, that I reach in my pocket and realize I do not have the funds to grab that coffee and donut are what separate me from living nicely and living comfortable.
So, when someone asks me what I define as a "comfortable" living... I say a hot cup of coffee and a cake donut, anytime I want. Silly? Simple? Too much to ask for? Well, I don't really know how to answer that but I do know that it is what I measure where I am with my life.

A Sign of the times...

2010-04-06T21:35:00.000-07:00

Watching the news, I can not help but wonder where it is we are going in this world. Who will be held accountable for the things that are happening? I read about the scientist that are playing with the atom. Perhaps "playing" is a bad word to use as there is nothing fun nor o.k. with what they are doing. Their machine, that can create a powerful beam that is stronger, more devistating than 100 Nuclear Missles, has been tested again! It thrilled them to know they are so close to full strength. This machine has the potential to pull, through it's powerful magenetics, planets and atsroids from space and lay them right in our front yard!
Called by many, the "Doomsday Machine," it has all the needed power to destroy our planet and yet... we continue to tease fate. Under ground in a remote area of Switszerland lies a creation that man should step away from. 2012, the year set for the real test. A "test" that could jeapordise our very existance. Strange that it is the same time, predicted according to the scolars by the Mayan calender to be the end of times.And then... who will be responsible? Who will have to stand up and say "I did that!?" Are we really, as the {most intelligient} species, really too smart for our own safety????

Where do we draw the line????

2010-03-31T07:34:00.000-07:00

As I sit here this morning, enjoying my coffee and thinking about my day, I see once again, the world has not disappointed me. I expect it to surprise me and astonish me... perhaps at times even disgust me and it has come through on all counts again. With Spring here and weather more perfect than I could ask for, I was prepared to sit and write about Spring. And then, something grabbed my attention that made my Spring write pale in it's presence.
Enter "Rapeplay."Yep, you read it right. THIS is the newest game to be introduced by the world. Japan has created and announced the animated game that allows you to be a rapist and in order to WIN, you must plan, attack, rape and then convince a woman to abort the child. If you do not complete every task, you are tossed in front of a train by your victim.
I sit an stare at the words I have written here and think "Really? Someone created a game of such vile disgust, a role play that promotes an act so heinous that we shudder at the very thought? I am reminded very quickly that the Bible says that in the End Days, anything man can imagine, he will be able to create. That Satan will be leashed on us and the anti-Christ will try to destroy all that is good and right. Do we need go much further than THIS!?!?!? IS it possible that we, as a people will truly allow a game that will teach our kids, some possible up and coming rapist and some that need only a little encouragement or Practice to follow through?
What we, as a people have the ability and the responsibility to do, one human to another, is to make certain that this game or anything even close to it, Never, Ever be allowed to be sold. Ban it and go to those that designed this game and take away their rights and ability to ever create another game. We must send a message that THIS is NOT O.k. And that we will NOT sit back and watch this game touch the lives of our people. I can not convey to you the depth of how my mind and heart feel, knowing that a game like this was even "Imagined", let alone that it was made.
We live today in a world that watches violence as a past time on our televisions. We seek out the worst horror movies and the scariest and filthiest movies, because we have become bored with the "you shoot, I shoot him" shows that are available today. We want MORE, More!!!! I am certain, beyond doubt, that if you had an arena, placed 3 or 4 randomly selected "Christians" in the center, added a lion or two and let the battle one another, you would fill the arena daily. Might even have to add a second show in the evening to accommodate all of the people that I Know would go to be a spectator. That is where the level of "what is hot" is today. If you think for one second that if Rapeplay is released, no one will buy it then you are sadly mistaken. It would sell and then, we would have people learning how best to Rape!
Ask yourself if you want your children, your brother or sister, your friends down- loading a game that will show them and allow them to hone up on their rape skills? Where do we draw the line as to what is going to be part of our world? What takes something to place that it is NOT Allowed? I hope your answer is This Game. I can only say this! Please just say NO to this disgusting game. Your mothers, daughters, sisters, friends will become the victims of this horrible game if it is allowed to surface! Do Not Allow this to happen. It might not be "just a game" one day.

Looking for extra income? I know right where to send you.

2010-03-25T08:49:00.000-07:00

Survey sites that DO Pay!!!! My Proof...
Yes,yes, I know, you have tried them before and they aren't worth the time. Well today, I want to try and show you that it IS worth the time. I have been doing surveys a very long time. I have seen the Good, the Bad and the Oh believe me when I say... The Uglies! I spent many hours doing surveys, weeks of opening and closing and waiting to reach that "cash out" point only to find that the site was a scam.
"Oops, we are sorry, you "sneezed" wrong and so we are cancelling your account." OUCH!!! Through trial and error and good friends, I found a few that pay out and pay out nicely. Today, in a semi-self serving and reaching out to help moment, I am going to share some proof of a few sites that have helped greatly in my quest to do my Summer vacations and Christmas shopping. Now understand that if anyone reading this is a millionaire or even a "thousandaire" if that word exists, and simply doesn't need extra money, pleaseeeee, send it to me. ;)I can always use an extra 20.00 or 50.00.
Yessssss, I know... I could have just planted the proof and gone away but the truth is I love to write and take every opportunity to do so. So please, bare with me as i prove to you that this time next year, you could be blessing a lot of people with gifts that cost YOU nothing. That's a Christmas gift all in itself. As I post these sites, I ask only that you do one thing for me. Use the URL's that I add here to sign up under me. That way, we both get a gift from this. The Pics at the top of this blog show the proof. The Urls are down here. Please don't let this pass you by. What a blessing these sites were for me at this giving time of ">year.http://www.treasuretrooper.com/385263
This next one, the only way to get recognition for you joining under me is to add your e-mail to my referral. I will simply show you the payouts minus the name. If you wish to join, contact me, please.

Opinion Points Redeemed # Request Date Sent Points Redeemed Cash Value
1 12/8/2008 In Process 500 $50.00
2 11/24/2008 12/1/2008 100 $10.00
3 10/10/2008 11/3/2008 300 $30.00
4 09/6/2008 10/15/2008 50 $5.00

SurveySpot... There ARE more but for now, just imagine that these are only one month of pay and only for these three. Even at this amount per month, you would be putting nearly 70.00 away per month times 12 equals 840.00 at Christmas time. Can you use some of that? I hope so. Please check these sites out and get ready to have a "out of pocket free" Christmas next year. From me to you. Darrel

Strength in family...

2010-03-24T10:04:00.000-07:00

This topic has been on my heart for many years and it is more important as well as potent than almost any matter we face today.
I can only write this by means of what I have been taught and learned over the years. Satan and the world has long sought ways to separate the family dwellings. The reason is, to take away the strength that is in the many. In order for the world to control us and Satan to reach each person, there had to be a separation of family ties. The strongest part of the family has always been the dinner table. It is where we find out what our children are doing and who they are seeing as friends. The world knew that if they could separate the family, they could gain control of the children and cause a gap in the ties that make a family strong.
The T.V. is said to be one of the greatest invention of our time. I say it was and remains the most destructive invention ever created. The T.V. tray became the place of choice to eat our meals. No longer were questions and conversations about what our children are doing asked. No more would we laugh together at our happenings or know what classes our children were taking, passing, failing. The conversation was replaced with the words "hush, I want to hear this part" or "I am trying to watch this show!" Our children follow our lead and when we get too involved in something other than their lives, they will take it elsewhere. The cost of t.v. taking the place of our children is immeasurable. The price is way too high and the loss too large to even imagine.
Strength is always more effective in numbers and as we watch the breakdown of our family ties, we are in fact witnessing the fall of our future. Satan is winning and we are losing the most precious gift of all. The computer has come to us amidst the already unstable structure of our families and added more separation. To have to walk into a computer room to have a conversation with our children is a sad state of affairs. It is just one more wall being built between us and our family. If we lose contact with our children and our family, then we lose everything precious to us. We need Discipline. We can take our children back. We can become strong as a family again. But first, we have to choose to do so. We must weigh the facts and find where we are lacking and then, shut the t.v. off or close down the computer if we are to regain our place as a family.
Can we reverse this fall? Can we become a family as it was meant to be? You would find, I believe, that your children would be most responsive to the change. They yearn for our attention and grow from our actions. We do have the power to make our family what it was before we had t.v. and computers. We must choose to do this because our home is not the only place that suffers for our separation from the dinner table. The whole country is truly at stake when we choose to watch a show over listening and talking with our family. No one will starve while waiting for the entire family to sit down. If a show is THAT important to you, record it and watch it after you have spent time with your family. You will find that you didn't miss a thing on t.v. And if you must turn the t.v. on then watch a family show that it is ok for your children to talk and ask questions during. You might learn something new about your kids AND yourself. It is up to You.

Balancing the Scale...

2010-03-24T04:35:00.000-07:00

Spring has Sprung... I think. Sixty degrees when I went to bed and snow on the ground when I woke. Sounds like Spring to me. Well, at least in Iowa, U.S.A. So, I do the balancing act, as I do every year. I rush to get things done when it is nice and then huddle in the warmth of the house when the nasty weather rears it's head again. While thinking about this, I had another thought. Isn't that really what I do with my Life? Try and balance the good and the bad, while trying to process what makes me a good or bad person?
I look back through my life and try so hard to see the "good" man that many have tried to show me. As a youngster, I surrounded myself with those "less fortunate" than me. That is not to say I had More. It is writing of a time when I was my blind Brothers eyes and I made friends with kids that had any and every physical affliction one could imagine. My father was sometimes leery of opening the front door because he wasn't sure who would be standing there. Would it be the deaf kid from next door? Maybe it was the kid that was born without a nose, save the two holes that made up the center of his face. He might even find the boy that was born with one breast that grew like a girls while the other stayed flat like a boys. Whether they were blind, crippled, slower in thought or just Different in some way from other kids, they made up the group I hung with and called my friends. Money nor material things meant nothing to them. Friendship was the most valuable commodity and sadly sometimes, the most easily traded.
I played the balancing act in those days too. I would slip away to the river to meet friends that had No afflictions from time to time. But the two worlds rarely met and when they did, they simply were not compatible. I grew up following the same pattern. One side of my world, being a hero and the other side of the Spectrum, I was "freak" because no one could understand why I would hang with kids that were so unlike me. Was I a good kid or was I merely someone that felt more comfortable with kids that depended on me, looked up to me and appreciated me just for being there? I am still processing that one after 45 years.
Enter, present day. I think my father is still a little afraid to open my front door. He might still find someone standing there with afflictions that make them unacceptable or at the very least, avoidable by the rest of the world. Still trying to balance my life but now, it is for a different reason. I am trying to decipher of I am a good man or a not so good man that surrounds himself with reasons to look good to others.I want to believe so badly in my heart that the good and kind things I do today are because I simply have a good heart. I want to feel inside that I Have reached out to those "less fortunate" because of a love that was instilled in my soul many, many years ago and not because I am trying to find a balance in my life.
DO I Make any sense to you at all??? Welcome to my little world of Bipolar and uncertainties. Of black and white and Grey and Abstract thoughts. What truly gives cause to someone, anyone, calling me a good man? I have hidden from the world a often as I could. I have loved and left and have cheated on hearts that loved me simply because I was me. A confusing occurrence all in and of itself. Issues in my life that find me driving to the Lake, early on a calm, dark Spring morning, to sit, headlights on the river in front of me, and cry. To try and convince myself that I am worthy of the love and the friendships that are part of my daily living. To tell myself that I reach out and help people enough to balance the hurt and pain I cause those that choose to love me. Do the words "Good Man" apply to me, even though I have hurt so may over the years? For every wrong I do, making certain I do something that is right... Is that balancing or do the wrong always weigh more than the good?
I guess that I wonder... can one truly balance the scale once it is loaded with so much sorrow and remorse for causing someone to cry? I wonder...

Abductions and Until Death Do We Meet

2010-03-16T09:02:00.001-07:00

Until Death Do We Meet and Abduction
Two powerful novels that will have you wanting to see the next page as quick as you can!!!

eroomservice.com...Modern Furnishings for a modern home.

2010-03-08T10:06:00.000-08:00

You just purchased a new home. The beautiful outside says "Modern." Now, you want the inside to say the same thing. At eroomservice.com, you can have exactly that look. The store, located in Philadelphia, Pa has the furnishings you are looking for. Everything from Contemporary dining tables to the finest in authentic European design furniture, eroomservice.com has it all. Starting with your living room, a wonderfully crafted Sharpei Italian Sectional sofa will add modern elegance to your home. Made in Italy with a wooden frame and goose feather down, it's comfort and look will bring modern Italy to your home.
When thinking of your bedroom, you want the finest bed you can find. One that fits the decor of your home, while giving you a peaceful nights rest. The Luxor 905 Modern Bedroom Set is just one of many sets to choose from. This truly modern design even has an optional storage under the bed which is lifted by hydraulics so you can keep the storage hidden if you choose to. Made in Spain, it's unique design sets it apart from other manufactured bedroom suites. With more than fifty bedroom designs to choose from, you can find the suite that suites not only your taste, but the look and feel of your home.
A house isn't a home without a dining room set. Looking for a modern dining set that will accent any fine home, eroomservice.com has the table and chairs for you. Again, only one of many to choose from, the Brooklyn Italian Dining Set may be just what you need to fill out your beautiful home. Bringing warmth and the feel of today into your home, this design, made exclusively in Italy includes a wenge or walnut finished table. The sides fold down to make it fit your room and your needs. Easily lifted into the unfolded style, your table is made to accommodate your family. The chairs are made of sturdy metal for long time use and come in an array of 16 leather colors and two kinds of leather textures. It also comes with a choice of 5 glass table tops, designed to find it's own look that makes your home the "today, right now" Modern style.
For one more reason to shop at eroomservice.com, they also offer furniture at reduced prices. Furniture that is still the beautiful designs that you want for your home. Furnishing that meets and exceeds your expectations at a lower price. At a fraction of the price, you can have the modern feel and look in your home, without taking to much out of your pocket. eroomservice.com is your "everything you need under one roof" store for the modern design that sets your home apart from the rest of the houses. You can find it all right here, at eroomservices.com.

Remembering...

2010-03-07T09:52:00.000-08:00

Four years... how quickly they seem to have passed. On this day, four years ago, my entire life was about to change in ways I could not imagine. Something would happen that I truly believed in my heart and soul that I myself would never see. After a long night of sleeplessness, I took my Sheila to the emergency room. Our doctor did all she could to make Sheila comfortable. Morphine was given freely. Hushed chatter was going on in the corner of the room. Still... my mind did Not go where I think so many other minds might have gone. Holding her hand tightly, I looked up at her Doctor. "I am going to send her to Mason City. I can not do anything more here, Darrel." Still, I simply nodded and got ready for the trip to Mason City Hospital as I had done more times then I could remember, over the past 24 years.
In Mason City, we waited for doctors to decide what they were going to do. Hour after hour went by and Sheila and I did what we had always done. We talked in between her drifting in and out from the medications they gave her to keep her from hurting. We talked about nothing and everything. There was no need to talk about anything final because I never, ever had allowed myself to believe that anything other than her getting better and coming home would happen. My faith and belief in God to watch over her was as it always had been. Total and un-wavering.It is how we lived our lives since she had gotten ill, one year after she and I were married. The strongest, most beautiful lady in the world was laying in front of me and I simply waited for the Doctors to say "Take her home... she will be fine."
Four years... It seems like a forever ago sometimes and yet, today, it seems like yesterday. It all comes rushing back to me and I realize that though I have now continued my life and have my family to finish out my life with, Sheila is Still so much a part of everything I have done with my life.
I live with the memories of her beautiful love and her smile that always said "It will be fine, good looking." I remember kissing her as she was wheeled into the operating room at 1a.m., on a windy but promising early morning. I remember seeing all the signs that Spring was peeking it's head in after a long cold winter. Leaves danced around my feet and swirled into the air, like a cat chasing it's own tail. A light jacket was all I needed to step outside and grab a quick smoke. And I remember NOT ever thinking that in an hour or so, Doctors would come to tell me she was going up to recovery and I could see her soon. I see myself, falling to the floor, begging through uncontrolled tears for the surgeon to tell me she was o.k. Asking him if he was sure about what he had just told me! I was certain that he must be wrong! She Always got better... Always. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Four years ago tomorrow, my whole world changed. Life as I knew it would never be the same. My daughter and I would get things together for the memorial. Plants and flowers and cards and people would fill our lives for the next little while. And when it was quiet, we would try to figure out what it was we were supposed to do now. I would begin a journey that would take me through the walk of "If I had taken a moment to think "What if...?" If I had thought for a second that maybe, just maybe, God was going to take away her pain and suffering forever by taking her to heaven to be with him. I live not with things said, but with the words that were Not said. I only said "I love you, forever." Was it enough? Did I show her for ever that I Would love her? Did she know that there was no one in the world that could take me away from her? Does she know that now? I have so much to tell her. I have so much to show her. IS she happy that I have finally moved forward and that love and life are mine to hold again? So many things I would have said and done if I had known that she would Not come home ever again. Can I tell her now???????????????
"I love you, My Sheila. I will always love you. Though life and love have found their way into my heart and life, You are and will Always be my First true love. The memories that are private and only yours and mine will live on forever in my soul. The tears I cry are bitter-sweet. They are for the Love that I was so blessed with for 24 years. They are for the moment you left this world and I realized that nothing would ever look the same in these eyes again. That Spring would burst forth as it always has, and yet... it would not ever feel as it did when you were here. A new Spring is coming. New life and new memories are going to hang on my wall. Laughter and smiles and discoveries will be plentiful. And You, my love, will watch them happen from heaven. Today, tomorrow and forever I love you, And I Miss you as I know I always will. {Just feel it...}"
I write today for memories and the beauty that was my Sheila. And I write for the therapy that it is to my soul. Thank you, to who ever reads this, for being patient and understanding. March 8Th, 2006... my world got a little smaller.

Repairpal.com...the right place to be.

2010-03-06T10:22:00.001-08:00

Accidents happen. We all know they do. Finding a reliable auto repair shop that will take care of all of your needs doesn't need to be by accident. At RepairPal, they take the "accident" out of your Auto repairs. Repairpal.com can get you accurate and unbiased estimates for your repairs with just the click of a website key. With their expertise help, you can quickly and efficiently be on your way to having your vehicle repaired and back on the road.
With trusted auto repair shops throughout the San Fransisco area and across California, you can be sure all of your auto repair issues will be met. Repairpal.com/sanfransisco has listings for all of your auto repair needs as well as a list of comments from people just like you and me, showing how easily and professionally their vehicles were taken care of. http://repairpal.com/honda-accord-2001 gives a list of owners complaints and shows you what you should expect to pay for repairs by independent shops that give you up front and honest answers. See what's new at Repairpal.com. The list is fantastic.
Knowledge of the vehicle you drive and what the parts do can help you to understand why a repair is needed. At repairpal.com, you can find the answers to all of your vehicle questions. What does a timing belt do? What is a Valve job and Why am I replacing the water pump? All of these questions are answered for you by experts. Replacing your tires and knowing what to look for when buying them is important. More knowledge equals better price and better quality of the tires you put on your vehicle. Repairpal.com is the key to opening the doors to all of your repair needs and your gateway to a better place to have all your car repairs addressed properly. It is the place for people just like you and me who are looking for more quality in our lives.

Time... dictator to the world.

2010-02-25T10:55:00.000-08:00

Time... it means so many things to people. Something that so many consider important, but for different reasons. It dictates our lives even if we don't want it to. We start our day by a clock that wakes us. We eat because it is "time" to eat. We sleep when it is that time too. Andddd, we love it when we have a day off so that we can set the alarm for much later and sleep in. Wait... "we?" Nope, that would not be me nor anyone that is bipolar or any other disorder of the mind.
How are we different? What sets us apart from the "norm?" My sleep habits are not dictated by an alarm clock. Sometimes, I wish it was. I start my day normally before the alarm has a chance to wake me. I eat when the mood strikes me and sometimes, if depressed or really having what I call a "Bipolar" day, the mood may not strike me at all. If not for others around me, I would for certain eat only every few days. I sleep when my mind allows me to sleep. That sleep is usually Very late at night, or early in the morning, however you choose to look at it. Sleep for me is a nap for most. Three hours feels like 8 and my body is rested. As for the mind, it never stops nor rests. Thoughts race through my head and wake me in the night. I flip over, I toss and I sit up, sometimes to light up a cig and take a few puffs.
Time has very little meaning to me. I think that most bipolar people are this way. I may not get the desire to begin a project until 3 a.m. and then I am ready to go. I may decide that 8 p.m. is a great time to do things outside. Not really unlike regular people, I think, I wish that there were 3 hours of dark and 21 hours of light. Dark is not a necessity for sleep for me. I can sleep virtually any time, any place, including stair steps. I do NOT recommend them for sleeping as waking suddenly, not realizing you are still on the steps can be a little dangerous and painful. I AM talking from experience on that one.
If it stayed light 21 hours a day, then this crazy, bipolar...{ooops, did I use the "C" word? ;)"}mind of mine could function on it's own time. I could stroll outside in the middle of the night and gather my thoughts. I could sit outside and write in my newest novel with the air outside touching my face, inspiring me to tell my readers how wonderful it felt. I could work in my garden at 2 a.m. and walk around the lake just because I needed to clear my head a little. Maybe I am not so unlike others. I don't know. I hate time telling me when I must do something. I hate the fact that I may suddenly need to go somewhere at the same time that I decided it was a good time to do something else. I hate that "life" sometimes gets in the way of "Living." Does that even make sense?
Give me a world that life happens because you created a reason for it to happen,. A world that you do things when they strike you and there is no time to start nor any time to end. Just a world that i can stop and smell the roses or sit down and cry a river and not have something staring me in the face. I function in "their" world because I truly must. I disconnect from the world more often than I care for the world to know. Only those that love me know when I have. At least Most of the time. I know my responsibilities and they do Not weigh me down. I love so many things that life gives to me and the blessings that fill my day and night. It truly is about time... a time dictated world that sometimes interferes with my need to unplug from it's chaos. A world that makes me so anxietic and leaves me feeling lost and a bit jerky and clicking... terms known to anyone that is or loves a bipolar person.
Time... something I am out of right now and wished I was not. I think today, I could write non stop and never ever empty this mind of mine. It is over flowing and I wished I knew what to do with it all. Wow!!!!!! "And that's all I am gonna say about that." Forrest Gump.............

For those that Love Us... Thank you always

2010-02-24T10:11:00.000-08:00

Reaching out to those that are bipolar or that love and/or care for someone that is, I open my mind and my heart today. While shopping with my family a few days ago, I was taken back a bit by the realization that I truly am "high Maintenance." But this isn't about those that suffer from this disorder today. This is about those that love us. The ones that deal with our ways every single day.
I watch my family while we are in the store and they watch me closely. I sometimes wander through the store and then find myself standing... staring at whatever happened to catch my attention. I wait patiently, time meaning very little to me at that moment, for someone know to come along and touch my hand. At that point, I am free to roam once again. It isn't as if I can not go into a store alone. I can do that and as long as the crowd doesn't get too rude or over-whelming, I am good to go. It is simply that my mind wanders sometimes and I find myself extremely anxietic. Life for me and most bipolars is that way anyways. Even on my good days, the world is disconnected from me and my thoughts. The wrong time, the wrong place... the wrong anything for me, leaves me unable to accept the way the world is today.
Shards of yesterday and yester-year fill my mind and I find myself some-where between reality and what is real only to me. Those that love me and care for me can see these things and reach out and touch me, bringing me back to a world that isn't truly compatible with me. Our loved ones never know which "flag" is up. Is it ok to touch me? Is it alright to bring up certain subjects? Will her kisses make me slip back into reality or will they take my mind far away to where I fear that I am unable to bring myself to a place of comfort. Will a spoken word set me off on some wild moment of jerking and clicking and talking to "myself?"
Our loved ones have little choice but to live in our world a lot of the time they are near us. We ourselves easily slip into a mode of happy or not happy. We can leave the world that we fear and go away to a place that our loved ones are unable to touch us in. We can shift from happy to sad and back again and never think about it. We can be extremely excited about nothing at all and in a single instant, we are sad beyond anyones imagination. Nothing out of the ordinary for us but the ones that love us are left to deal with those roller coaster rides and somehow be there to pick us up when we fall out of the roller coaster car. They try to minimize the damages and sort out whether we are approachable at the time or not. We could write a book titled "how to go from sane to psycho and back in 30 seconds.
I wonder... do you tell the one you call safety Thank you now and then for all they endure? It isn't simply day to day emotions or ideas of grandeur that they must deal with. It isn't just the fears that We have they must try and calm or understand. It is living with the knowledge that the very person they love, the one they worry about and walk with and try to hold when ever they can that they must deal with. It is living with the knowledge, though not necessarily the understanding, that this person they love so deeply could wake up one morning and say "I don't want this any more. I am leaving." The knowing that every single day is both brand new and a carry over from the day before and the day before that and as far back as the issues may be. They endure and love us anyways.
Living with a bipolar person is not something everyone can do. those that stay with us through it all are precious and blessings. Take the time to thank them now and then. Let them know that you DO know all they must endure to be with you. And please, trust me on this one. They Do love you... They Must. Other-wise, they would not bear the brunt of where our minds take us. They would simply go away from us.

The Half-lings... The End??????

2010-02-14T08:47:00.000-08:00

One by one the Humans died. Some tried to run to the safety of their vehicles while others simply closed their eyes and fired their rifles until they were empty, waiting for the final blow that would end their lives. The beasts fought side by side with the She-cats and discovered that perhaps their hatred for one another had been a fight that was no longer theirs.
Leandra fought with a savagery that she did not even know she possessed. She killed the humans with fury and hatred. A hatred she knew would never be appeased by only killing these men. She called out to her kinsmen.
"These men have families, lovers or someone they care for just as we do! We will hunt them down and wipe out their legacy as they have ours tonight. We will do this as one tribe, one pride, to ensure the safety of our species and for vengeance for the loved ones they have taken from us. Who will fight with me!?!? Beast-men, your leader lays in a cave, possibly dieing from the wounds inflicted by the man that called himself Michael's father."
"We will fight with you, Leandra! So say the Beast-men!" The Beast-men raised their weapons in the air and roared.
The screams had stopped and the two groups stopped to lick their wounds. They had defeated the humans at a high price. Over half of the Beast-men and She-cats had been killed. The sun slowly rose above the trees and shined it's light down into the forest. Beasts changed to humans as did the She-cats. They sat together, looking at one another. Leandra went to the cave that Michael's was in. She prayed that she would not find him dead. She needed Michael in her life and could not imagine him Not there. Entering the cave, she found Lori, sitting beside Michael's body. She had covered him completely, from head to toe, with her coat and under-shirt. Leandra felt her heart skip and tears began to flow, even before she reached him. Lori reached out her hand to steady Leandra's walk.
"I did everything that I could do for him, Leandra. I just didn't know enough of how to treat me."
Leandra fell to the floor beside Michael. She grasped his hand in hers, the tears flowing steady onto the floor. She rubbed his hand on her face and kissed it gently.
"Tell me he is just healing, Lori. Please tell me he isn't gone. He was the one that saw the true me. He knew me enough to know I would fight at his side forever. I need him, Lori." Her statement sounded more like a plea to Lori.
"There is no pulse, Lea. There has not been one for hours. He is gone."
"No-o-o-o-o!" Leandra grabbed Lori and tossed her to the floor. For the first time in her life, Lori felt afraid of Leandra. "Go," Leandra screamed in what was almost a growl. "Leave here and never, ever look upon our kind again! If I see you after this day, I Will kill you for the human that you are!"
"Leandra, please,' Lori cried out. "I am Not one of them. All of the humans are Not like those men that killed Michael! Do not do this to me! I am your friend."
"I will turn my back for a moment. When I look back again, if you are still here, I will simply kill you!"
Lori could see Leandra beginning to change. She knew in that instant that Leandra meant what she said. The She-cat would only see a human now. No longer would she see Lori as her best friend. She would see her as one of many that killed the man she loved. Lori turned and ran as fast as she could out of the cave and to her car. never looking back, she drove away from the forest, her eyes so filled with tears she could barely see. Today, she had lost the best friend she had ever known. A friend she trusted with her life and now, feared for her life because of her.
Leandra kissed Michael once more and covered him. She went to the entrance of the cave and climbed to the top of the entrance. Calling out to her pride, in moments she was surrounded by She-cats and Beast-men.
"He is gone! The humans took his life! I need you to pull the cave walls down around the entrance so that no one can enter here again!"
The creatures joined forces again and soon the entire front of the cave was crashing in around the entrance. They all sat in front of the cave when it was sealed and bowed in reverence to the man... the Beast-man that had changed their worlds forever.
"Today, we lost a great man," Leandra growled. "We will stay in hiding and one by one, avenge the man we all loved and my Mother! We will start with the families of the humans that tried to erase our species from the face of the earth! After they are all gone, we will kill humans entire They are annihilated or we... are all dead! Are you with me!?!?!?!? YOU are my family, now! Who will fight with me!?!?!?!"
The roars and screams and raising of clubs told Leandra that she would not fight alone. She cried as they all walked into the deep forest...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was dark and cold. He could not see his hand in front of his face. His body ached when he tried to stand. How long had he been here? Where was Lori and Leandra? The cave dust on his clothing and the bats hanging near him, their feces rank, told Michael he had been here for at least a week. He walked to what was once the entrance to the cave. He began to move the boulders, one at a time. This was going to be a long day. He would find Leandra and together, they would make a life together. He loved her with all he was and he would not stop until they were standing side by side...

The Half-lings Pt 7

2010-02-13T07:24:00.000-08:00

Michael returned quick and the group gathered close around him. They were ready to end this battle once and for all.
"I will not lie to you. Some us you will die tonight. These men are fully armed and want to kill us badly. They will not stop until everyone of us are dead... or they are. We have to fight with all of the animal instinct we were born with. Abandoned the life of being half human for now. Let the wild animal in you take over. We must fight as they will fight... to the end. None can be allowed to escape to come back another time! But remember, Michaelie is Mine! I will be the one to kill him!
A strange group, She-cats and Beasts together, fighting for the same cause. Survival of their species. Together they slipped into the forest, all in one movement. They broke off into groups, a mix of She-cats and Beast-men. Calamine was following Michael and he stopped her.
"You are a leader, Cal. You need to lead some of the groups in the opposite direction of me. Leandra trusts you to lead in her absence and that is good enough for me. Together we can defeat these creatures."
"You are right, Michael and Leandra was correct in saying you were a great leader. You two will lead together perfectly. I will take a group to the left and you go to the right. We may need to come in behind them to have the advantage."
"You are wise and we will do things your way for now. We will meet in the center behind the humans. Be safe, Cal."
Shots could be heard from the center of the forest. The humans were finding She-cats and beasts that were lost and trying to find their families. Some were unaware that the two had joined as one. They passed one another in the forest, both hoping neither saw the other. As Calamine or Michael found some of them, they quickly explained the plan and moved on.
Michael sniffed the air, searching for the one scent that he knew would make him toss all reason aside. He wanted to find the man that was his father and ask him before he killed him why he hated him so. The screams from the forest only served to make his anger grow. He wasn't even sure now if he would have the strength to ask the question. He might just simply Kill Him.
"I can smell the creatures, Men! We can kill the cats easier now that we have killed their leader. They will be confused and wandering!"
"Michaelie, why are why finding both so close together? I thought the cats and beasts were enemies?"
"I have heard that the Beast and a She-cat have found each other. Perhaps they are closer than we think. That is why we Must kill them tonight. They can not be allowed to breed! The leader of the Beasts will fall tonight at My hands. Injure him, subdue him, leave him near death but Do Not Kill him! He belongs to me!"
The men walked on, separating into two groups. They searched the forest, listening for any sounds of the animals. They were killing them as quick as they found them. Many cats and beasts had died in the past few hours of darkness. It was few and far between now. The men wondered where the others were. They knew they had Not killed them all yet. Not knowing where the animals had gone to left a bit of fear in the men's minds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Michael saw Calamine and her group coming in from the side. She saw him and nodded to him. As they neared the center, Michael felt something touch his shoulder. He turned to see Leandra behind him.
"What are you doing here!?!?! You are not strong enough to fight!"
"Michael, I am better and I will not let the one I love fight without me beside him. We will not argue about this. It is simply done. Let us go finish this."
She took her place with Calamine and thanked her for standing in her stead. Suddenly, the trees moved in front of them. Birds that had been sheltered in the trees took to flight. The animals all turned towards the sound of the trees. As the tree's parted, the animals found themselves face to face with the humans. Both humans and animals stared at one another, neither certain what to do. Michael sniffed the air. He found the scent he was searching for. At that moment, the men raised their rifles. Cats and Beasts scattered into the protection of the thicket. Shots rang out and screams filled the air. Screams of both humans and animals filled the forest. Animals began to attack, slipping below the bullets and wrapping them selves around the legs of the shooters. Pulling them down to the ground, the animals killed them quickly. Blood now covered their coats and the ground looked like a red river. Men died now, un-mercifully at the hands of the beasts and the deadly claws of the She-cats. Some of the men tried to run into the forest to save themselves. They were killed as they tried to find their way out. The battled raged on for what seemed to be hours and suddenly, the animals slowly taking control. Michael saw the man he would kill. He raced from the crowd and approached Michaelie. "So, you have found me, have you?
Michael resisted the desire to kill the man in front him. He needed an answer to his question. Michaelie tried to raise his rifle but Micheal stripped it from his fathers hands.
"I need to know why you hate me so."
His father stared at him. His eyes were filled with both confusion and hatred. He stepped back from Michael. He spoke with animosities in his voice.
"I hate you because you are what I fought to Not be. I found a way to lead a normal life. I found your mother and she did Not tell me she was a freak! I fell in love with her and wanted a Son that was normal. She gave me you and so i killed her! I hate you because of the creature you are. I want you dead because I do NOT want my blood-line tainted and corrupted by the creature you are! I want you and the other creature dead!!!!"
Michael looked at the man before him. He felt nothing for him nor did he care any longer that this man was his father. He sliced through the air and his claws caught the man's face. Michaelie screamed as blood covered him and Michael. He reached out to Michael but Michael stepped back and watch his father fall to the ground dead. As he snarled at the dead man a stinging sensation surged through his shoulder. The power of the bullet ripped at his body and sent him to the ground. Three men surrounded Michael and raised their rifles.
"You are going to die, Beast!" He aimed his rifle at Michael's head and began pulling back on the trigger. "Goodbye, you freak!"
"He may indeed die, human, but today is Not the day!"
Michael looked up and saw Leandra standing behind the men. A Beast stood beside her, growling low. the man's finger pulled back and the shot rang out like a bomb being set off. Micheal's body jerked as the second round hit his back. He screamed in pain and clawed at the ground.
"No, NO, this isn't happening!!!" Leandra moved as she watched Michael's body writhe in pain on the ground. He teeth dug into the mans neck and she ripped his throat open. "You will die now, you spawn! All of you humans are going to die. This I swear to you!"
The beast beside her grabbed two of the men at once and slammed their bodies together over and over until they were lifeless. He growled and then knelt down and picked Michael up. "We will not leave him here. I will find the girl Lori and she will care for him! He will Not die, Leandra!"
"He can't!" Leandra screamed and raised off into the forest to kill the rest of the men. The screams that filled the air now were of humans dieing. The only other sound was Leandra, screaming and growling and Killing...

The Half-lings Pt 6

2010-02-12T09:49:00.000-08:00

She watched from the darkness of the trees. The killing was brutal and she wondered if she had made a terrible mistake following Leandra into the forest. Lori felt her body freeze up and she could not make herself move. One by one, the She-cats fell to the ground. The humans were extinguishing them faster than Lori could count. She wanted to help them but she was too scared to leave the hidden place she had found. What would the She-cats do if they found her? She even worried what might happen to her if another human saw her. They might mistake her for a cat that had not changed yet and kill her. That was frighteningly possible.
Suddenly, she was face to face with her biggest fear. The She-cat stared at her and showed it's fangs. The stance told Lori she was about to become very dead. Her thoughts raced to Leandra. She closed her eyes tight and called to her. She begged her with her mind to save her. The She-cat suddenly relaxed it's stance. Lori heard it speak to her in her mind.
"How is it you know our leader? Speak fast before I kill you!"
"She is my best friend. We have known each other since first grade. I know what she is... what You are. I followed her here in homes to help her but I am of no use against this horrific massacre of your pride. Forgive, but I do not know how to help you."
The She-cat softened her stare. She felt no danger from this human. "Stay where you are and you may live. Do not try to help us or you may find yourself very dead."
As the She-cat turned to leave, another shot rang out. Lori screamed as the cats left side exploded in sprays of blood and entrails. The She-cats insides covered Lori and all she could do was scream.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Michael raced through the forest, following Leandra's sceams. He tried to focus but Deanna had taken that ability from him. How could this man that wanted Michael dead be his father? What formula had he found to make him only human? If Michael killed him, he would possibly never know the answer. And if he didn't kill him... this man was determined to kill Michael. He stopped near a small clearing. He could hear Leandra's growl. He could see a man approaching the clearing. The man stopped and raised his rifle.
"I have you now, you She-bitch! I already took care of your mother."
Not being able to see Leandra but knowing she was there, Michael burst into the opening, surprising the man. He grabbed the man with his huge hands and tossed him into a huge Pine. The sound of the man's back snapping told Michael he would need to do no more to him. He ran to Leandra and knelt beside her. He could see the steel trap clamped tight around her back paw.
"Don't move Leandra. I will free you and get you to safety."
Leandra touched a paw to Michael's face. She screamed out as the trap was opened and blood-flow returned to her paw. The pain was excruciating and she felt as if she might faint.
"Stay with me, Love," Michael whispered to her. "I will not lose you to these creatures that call themselves Humans! I have loved you for a thousand lifetimes and I will not let you slip away from me now."
"I have always loved you Michael. Together we will defeat these men. HE said he killed my mother, Michael. I must find her and see that she is alright."
Michael tied a cloth around her paw. He knew she would heal fast. He picked her up in his behemoth arms. As he gently laid his head on her soft fur, he whispered softly in her ear. "She is gone, sweetheart. She died in my arms. I am so sorry I could not save her."
"Did she say anything to you before she died, Michael?"
"She told me to take care of you. And, she told me that the leader of these men... is my father."
"Oh my God, Michael! What are you going to do?"
"I am going to do what your mother said, Leandra. I am going to kill him."
Michael carried Leandra to a cave deep in the forest. He placed her on a high slate shelf. "You will be safe here until you heal."
"No Michael, I want to fight at your side." Leandra had changed to her human form now. The healing would be easier for her. Michael looked at her as she lay on the rock. Her emerald eyes and golden hair made him think of a fairy-tale princess. He was so very in love with her and he wanted only to have her forever.
"You will fight beside me, Love, but not until you are healed. Stay here until I come back to you."
"MIchael, you Will come back for me, won't you?"
"I promise you, Leandra. Only death could keep me away from you now."
"Then stay alive, Michael. I want forever with you."
Michael touched her face, his huge rough hands, gentle and soft on her skin, told her he would love her forever. In an instant, Michael was back in the forest. He followed the sounds of the gun-fire and screams. Three men died while he trekked though the trees. It was quick and nearly painless for them, he thought. He stopped another man from Killing a She-cat by tossing him over a small cliff, into the river below them. As he stood to sniff the air for the man he sought, he felt a stabbing pain in his shoulder. His growl could be heard through out the forest. Turning to face his attacker, it was not the man he was seeking. This man was not his father.
"I will be the Hero when I bring your ugly carcass back to Michalie. How proud he will be of me when he sees i have killed his freak off-spring."
"Too bad you won't be telling him that story, you murderer!"
Michael knew the voice behind the threat. Leandra had been friends with her all through school. Michael looked at Lori, her small frame dwarfed against the man that would kill Michael. Before the man could get turned to see his attacker, he heard the shots ring out. His body jerked to the left and then to the right side before falling to the ground. He never saw who had ended his boasting forever.
Michael ran to Lori. Her body nearly disappeared when his arms wrapped around her.
"Easy big boy, I am not as big as you."
Michael released his hold on Lori. "What are you doing here? You should not have come here."
"Oh, you think? I know that now but it is a little late. Tell me where Leandra is. She is alive, isn't she?"
"She is wounded but safe. I will take you there to hide you and perhaps you can help here to heal. There is No talk of this. It is just the way it is to be."
The tree's behind Michael suddenly splintered. He wrapped himself around Lori to protect her. Standing in front of him now was the survivors of his clan. They were armed with guns taken from humans and tree's that they had uprooted to use as weapons. Michael approached the front beast.
"How did you get here so quickly, Antony? I left you far away so you would be safe."
"We healed and knew where you had come. We could not let you have all the fun."
The trees rustled a bit again. The remaining She-cats now stood with them. Calamine, the leader if Leandra were killed stepped forward.
"We also do not wish to live our lives out being told how the Beast-men saved our butts. We fight together, as one pride, until this is finished. It is what Deanna wanted, she simply did not know how to make it so. I can still feel Leandra so I know she is alive."
"I hid her where I am going to hide her human friend. Then, as one, we will end this witch hunt forever."
The group roared and growled in unison. There sound echoed through the jungle. The men hunting them cowered for a moment. They knew now that the real battle was about to begin.
"I will be back in a moment and then we kill the humans. Remember this though! The human, Michalie is Mine!!!! If you find him, bring him to me alive!" Michael lowered his head as he spoke now.
"That man... is My Father and it is I that must kill him. Enough said now. Go, find a place to attack unseen. I will join you in a moment!" With those words spoken, Michael and Lori disappeared into the forest. The final battle was about to begin.

Half-lings Pt 5

2010-02-11T09:45:00.000-08:00

Leandra and her pride watched as Michael transformed from a man to a huge Man-beast. His long talons and teeth alone sent waves of fear through all of them. Each one knew that this Man-beast could kill them without much effort at all. They watched Leandra as she changed into a She-cat. Her fangs and destructively long talons also had the ability to kill any of them. They were depending on her to end the battle between the cats and man-beasts. To sit and allow one to change before they could kill him was something they had never imagined witnessing in their lives.
"Leandra, he will recover quickly," her mother whispered to her. "If any of the cats realize that you love this beast, or the man inside of him, they will turn on you. You must not say a word to anyone concerning this issue, daughter. And sweetheart, I Do understand more than you might know of the frustrations that go with loving a human."
Leandra nodded and then she returned to Michael. She felt Michael stirring under her touch. He awoke to stare right into Leandra's eyes. He felt his entire being respond to her look and he fought back the urge to take her in his arms and hold her. He was glad he felt no desire to harm her. He stood and looked around him.
"Normally, I would say this was my worst nightmare come to live. Under the circumstances, I am grateful that we might fight side by side in a mutual agreement to drive those that would kill us, away. They Will come tonight! They have already begun their killing spree and they will be here sooner than we wish."
"They have weapons and we nothing to battle them with."
"You have your smarts, you can fight with a fury only those of us that can change could know. We must be ready to give our last breath to the enemy if that is what it takes to defeat the humans."
"I am with Michael. We Must stand and fight if we are going to survive as a species."
"Ok Michael. Tell us what we need to do to defeat them. We will follow you unless it appears you are Not fighting to save us also!"
"Wait! I have a question? Where is the rest of your clan? Why are you the only one fighting?"
Michael turned to look at Deanna just as she was changing. She was larger than most of the She-cats. Her breeding was a true breeding between her father and mother, both from a line that was much larger and vicious than most of the prides.
"I told you, Deanna, our clan was attacked and nearly wiped out. Those that did survive are not fit to fight. We must do this with out them."
Darkness had fallen now. The shadows that followed them through the trees left to question whether it was their own or those of the enemy. Leandra and Michael walked side by side. Now and then, he would gently reach down and touch her fur. She growled low, not an unfriendly growl at all. They found a place that allowed them to look out over the den and gave some cover to them. The moon was full and gave off nearly as much light as the Sun.
"We must stay low until we have the humans drawn in close enough to ambush them. If they see us first, their weapons could hurt enough of us to be costly.
There was a sound to the right of them. Behind them, there was another loud sound. Michael looked over at Leandra. His eyes said it all. Fur standing straight up, from head to tail told Michael that she understood.
"God Michael, they are all around us! What do we do!?!?"
"We stand and fight daughter!!!! You don't need a beast to tell us how to do that! Make a circle and do not let them penetrate the lines!!!
The others did as Deanna told them to do. Fifty She-cats stood in the circle, a site most men would run from if he had half a brain. These men did not care. They moved in slowly, deliberately, weapons readied. One of the humans spoke out loud.
"This is where it all ends for you freaks of nature! Tonight, under a moon-lit sky, we are sending you to where-ever it is that Cats go! The beasts are all dead! We took care of that earlier! One thought he was safe inside of a car with the doors locked! Funny thing is, humans don't need to get too close to the creatures. Just a little fire and well, fried beast-man is back on the menu!"
Leandra saw the look in Michael's eyes before she heard the words come from his mouth. He said his brother Jordan's name. The intensity of his words and the snarl that followed told Leandra that tonight, would not be a quiet night nor would it be a night void of blood. She reached out her paw to stop him but his strength was too much for her. He shoved her paw away and stepped forward.
"Tell me, before I kill all of you, I want to know what we did to you that has caused you to hate us so much that you are willing to die tonight!!!"
There was a silence in the air. Even the wind stopped blowing as if it wanted to hear every word spoken. "You are Freaks!!! You taint our blood and corrupt a good world! You take our men and women at will and make them your slaves! You are more disgusting than the witches of the East Coast! One of you killed my Grand-father long ago, just because he was human. No other reason!"
"We are not the ones that killed them! We stay to our own and bother none! You... you killed my brother and now I must avenge him! No more talk!"
"Wait! Who are you? I want to know who it is that I kill or kills me!"
"I would tell you to remember the name, Michael, but you will Not live long enough to care!"
The sound of high powered rifles resonated through out the forest. Screams of She-cats dieing could be heard all around the circle. Leandra jumped from the circle into the cover of the Forest. Michael turned to follow her. He felt claws dig deeply into his back, blood flowing freely from his gash. He turned to kill who-ever had attacked him but stopped as he looked into Deanna's eyes. She swayed from side to side as Michael reached out to catch her.
"Why? Why did you attack me???" Michael felt the warmth of blood on his arm. He lifted Deanna and knew. She was bleeding badly from two gunshot wounds. He could not save her.
"Michael, the man that seeks to kill you... I know him. He will not stop until you are dead."
"Why, Deanna? Why does he hate me so?!?!?!?"
"He was in love with your mother. She never told him what she was. He never told her. He was from a tribe of Beast-men that had found a cure to their beast side. He wanted a son that was pure blood. She gave him You! Kill him Michael. He will kill you if he can. Save my precious daughter."
Deanna paused and took in a deep breath. She had changed back to human form. Michael knew she was almost gone. He brushed the tears from her eyes. "Michael... love my daughter and take care of her. But first, kill... your... fath..."
Michael laid Deanna on the ground gently. Tears filled his beast-man eyes for the first time. And then, he heard Leandra scream out as another shot rang through the forest.
"No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God, no!!!!," Michael cried out.

Half-lings Pt.4

2010-02-10T12:45:00.000-08:00

Leandra finished her work and as she left, closed the door tight to her store. She had owned the exotic shop for 5 years. Through the shop, she was able to stay in contact with people that searched, more likely hunted her kind. They were drawn in by the animals she had that were nearly un-acquirable any where else in the world. It also gave her the opportunity to save animals that were to be sold and killed for their precious furs or other parts. Lori had helped her off and on for the past 3 years.
"So where are you going now?"
"My mother phoned me and said there was a problem at home. I need to get there before dark so that no one has changed. Though we communicate well as She-cats, we must communicate through our minds with a lot of the pride. Many are young and have not mastered the use of the vocals as cats."
"Leandra, please be careful. You are the only real friend I have and I don't want to lose you."
"I'll be fine Lori. You take care tonight and I will see you tomorrow."
Leandra could feel the coming of night-fall. Though she was fairly certain she would not hurt Lori, she did not ever want to find out she was wrong. She drove as fast as she could and wished she could change as she could move faster as a She-cat. No roads to follow and no speed limit to obey. She would be to the den in half the time as a She-cat.
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Michael stood his ground. Deanna seemed set in her decision. He knew he had to find some way to make her understand how much a threat the humans were. There wasn't much time left as he knew the humans would be back in full strength tonight.
"Deanna, please, hear me out. Some of my clan were killed last night, by humans. Those that survived were injured badly. They found us somehow and they know you exist too. I believe that the leak was through your pride."
Deanna snarled at Michael. She shook her head and clenched her fists.
"If I could turn right now, I would kill you for even saying that! My pride is loyal to me and I don't believe the words of a Beast-man, ever! Soon, my daughter will be here! When she comes, we will deal with you and then seek out the rest of your kind and kill them all!"
"Deanna, I don't understand. Leandra is from the same breeding as I am. You took a human to be your mate and the result was Leandra. Why do hate others like her?"
"You are Not like my daughter! She is a She-cat and you... you are nothing more than a dirty beast! Your kind would kill us or en-slave us if you could!"
"Deanna, the beast-men that wanted to take you as their personal slaves and breeders are gone. I am the one they follow now and they do Nothing unless I say to."
"Tell me why the humans want us all dead suddenly."
"They found out that we were living and working among them, with out them knowing. It scared them and angered them and now, they want us all dead. We were a fable, a wives tale before they found out. Now, we are real and they want us dead!"
"Their are millions of humans. We could not defeat them all even if we wanted to! They will just keep coming and..."
"No, you are wrong. The people that want to kill us are a private group. They do not talk to others and they cover our existence with lies. Killing us would never be spoken of outside their group."
"How is it you know so much about these people? Maybe you are the leak and you want us together so you can help the humans kill us."
"Deanna, if I was your problem, you would be dead right now." Michael's voice was soft but the tone was anything but gentle. Deanna knew he was probably right. Though she would give him a fight, Michael in his beast form was more than she and most of her pride could survive. She wished Leandra were here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Darkness was going to come way to soon for her. Her mother rarely bothered her at work unless it was serious. She wondered what could have happened in the short time she was gone. She drove until she reached the forest. Parking the car, she quickly existed the car. The desire to change was strong and she could feel her senses strong. She stopped to smell the air.
"Damn!!!!!!" She smelled once more to be sure she wasn't just smelling something that lingered on her. "Michael! He is here! What the hell does he want? God, if he has harmed my mother in any way, he will hate the fact he was even born!" She raced through the forest at speeds only a She-cat could find. The branches cut at her face and she growled and snapped at them as she ran. Finally, she reached the opening to her den. The first face she saw was Michael's. Without stopping, Leandra lunged at Michael. Her claws instinctively ripped through her skin and her teeth grew. She hit Michael with the force of a large Mountain Lion. Taking him by surprise, he tumbled to the ground as Leandra clawed at his face. Gashes opened from his skin and blood spewed over both of them.
"Change, Damn you!!!! Fight me or I swear to God, I Will kill you!!!"
Flipping her over on her back, even in human form, Micheal's strength almost too much for Leandra, he held her to the ground.
"I won't fight you, Lea!" He had called her Lea since they were children. Just at hearing the name from his voice, Leandra felt herself soften. It angered her that his voice alone could do that to her. She resisted the want to change to human.
"I am Not here to fight you, Leandra! I am here to ask for your help! Please, stop this and listen to me!!!" Blood ran from Michael's face and he knew he would need to change soon to heal. He did Not want to do that yet.
"Leandra... we must listen to what he has to say. Charlene just told me that two of our pride were found dead, In their human form! Someone is already starting to eliminate us."
Leandra began to change again. Her features soon that of a beautiful young woman again, Michael stared into her eyes. Did he see something there? Could she have feelings for him? Michael wanted to kiss her but he knew this was not the time. He could feel himself getting weaker from the blood loss. He saw Leandra begin to cry as she cradled his head in her arms. Leaning forward, she whispered to him.
"Tell us, Michael. What do we need to do?? Don't you die on me. Change, Michael!! Damn you, Change and save your life!!!" Her tears flowed over his face. Michael could feel his body changing. He closed his eyes tightly. Leandra heard his words as he changed.
"Please, please God, don't let me hurt her. I love her..."

Half-lings Pt. 3

2010-02-09T08:14:00.000-08:00

The night would be upon him in a few hours. He needed to approach Leandra while she was still in human form. Even though he had the ability to change or not change when he wanted, Michael knew that the power of the man beast was strong. He would be busy battling the desire to change to be effective in his quest. The Forest suddenly engulfed him and he knew he was near the pride's home. He could sense their presence already and his instinct to change was strong. He breathed in deep and drove on.
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"What are you going to do, Leandra? You are in love with this man and yet your pride, your own Mother insists that you kill him. How can you do that?"
"We are stronger as She-cats and the purpose, the call for us is sometimes stronger than our human side can over-come. When I see him, he is just another Man-beast. It is my human side that wants to love him... That does love him. I simply have to let that go and become all She-cat to defeat him."
"Leandra, I have to ask this. If you saw me and you were a "Cat", would you kill me? Would you know it was me?"
"Lori, we are not savages! We can think and recognize those we know in our human form. If not, Michael would just be a beast and I would kill him without question."
"Then you wouldn't kill me?"
"I don't know, Lori. I have never had that happen to me. We stay at our den when we are She-cats. I hope that our bond is strong enough to keep me from harming you."
"Me too. We have been friends since first grade. When you first told me what you were, I thought you were lieing to me. I followed you one day from school and saw you go into the forest. I waited until it was dark and then I saw it for myself. I was only Ten years old and so I was upset because I couldn't do that. You smelled the air and found me. You didn't kill me then."
"I remember, Lori. I changed back and told you about my family. You are the only human that knows what I am. You have never betrayed my trust and I love you dearly for that."
"I will never betray you, Leandra. You are my very best friend."
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Michael saw the opening to where Leandra's pride lived. He growled low as he sniffed the air. He looked like a Coon Hound, on the trail of a fugitive. The smell of the She-cats was strong and he fought the urge to change. Jordan stirred in the back seat. His wounds nearly healed, he felt re-energized. He too could smell the cats. He knew he would not, could not change until dark. Then smell still made his mind whirl and left him dizzy for a moment.
Michael sensed his brothers urge to change. He too knew that Only himself could change at will.
"Jordan, you need to stay in the car. I want you to lock the doors when I get out. You are Not to get out no matter what you hear! Should Leandra change, she Will smell you and come to kill you. You do Not possess the strength to kill her nor fight her off! Stay where you are!"
"I have no desire to die today, Michael. I'll be here when you come back."
"One more thing, brother. If it turns dark and I have not returned, drive. Drive as fast and as far as you can and do Not come back. If I survive, I will find You!"
Michael left the car and heard the doors lock. He prayed that the car would be enough to keep Jordan safe. He walked deeper in to the woods, following the scent of the She-cats. He shook his head often, trying to fight off the want to change. He knew that to walk into their pride as a beast would bring on an instant battle. That was the last thing that he wanted. He was almost sure that Leandra was the only one with the ability to change at will like he could. He hoped that he was right. If not, this would be his last trip to their den.
The forest suddenly opened up in front of him. He was instantly surrounded by the human form of the She-cats. Hissing and growling was all Michael could hear. Several of the women lunged at him and took his arms in their hands. Michael could have tossed them all to the ground. Hos strength was still that of the Man-beast, even in human form. Michael resisted the want to change and went with them quietly. He was taken to the front of their den where he was greeted with a slap across his face. The slap stung his cheek and he felt his talons grow from his fingers tips. He retracted them and stared at the woman in front of him. He recognized her at once.
"Deanna, I come to you in peace. I do not want to fight you."
Deanna stepped forward. She took Michael's face in her hands. Her strength was extremely evident to Michael. As a human, facing her as a She-cat would be a fair fight. He stood still and looked directly in her eyes.
"Peace, Michael? Do you beasts even know what that word means? I should kill you right where you stand. It would save my daughter, who somehow has fallen in love with you, the trouble of killing you herself!" She released her grip on Michael's face.
"The battle would be violent and the end results may not be what you had anticipated. I spared your daughters life the last time we battled."
"Why did you do that, Michael? We are enemies. Your purpose is to kill us. Why would you not follow through?"
Michael looked at Deanna, His features softening. He looked at the other women with caution. His voice was soft calm when he spoke. "I spared Leandra because... because I am in love with her. I do not wish to kill her but rather to be her mate."
Deanna stepped back and her teeth grew. She snarled at Michael and her teeth showed. Michael took a step backwards and spoke again. "Be angry with me if you will, Deanna, but it will change nothing. We need to talk of other things. Things that could destroy both your people and mine as well. The humans are coming to kill us all. We must stand together as one pride if we are to defeat them."
"Never" was the answer given by Deanna. "I will not ever stand beside a man to fight! I don't care if he is human or a disgusting Man-beast."
"Then Deanna, you And your pride will all die at the hands of the humans. Think about it Deanna. Do you want to watch your daughter die!?!?"

The Half-lings Pt.2

2010-02-07T11:18:00.000-08:00

She knew she had to return to her pride. It was nearing dawn and her life would totally change during the hours of light. Leandra had long ago learned how to change no matter what the time of day or night it was. She was the first of her generation to have the ability to do so. Her mother told her it was because she been with a human before Leandra was born. The mixed blood had given Leandra a special gift. She knew that Michael's mother must have done the same for he too could change at will, though not nearly as fast as she could. As she began the change, she wondered how many of the wounds would show today. Hearing her mother call out to her, she finished the change and went to her.
"Are you hanging your head, Daughter!?!?"
"Mother, I.."
"Stop, Leandra! I do not wish to hear any more of your reasons! This time, you nearly cost the life of one of your own, not forgetting that you were almost killed yourself!" Her mothers voice softened now. "Leandra, I know what is happening. I have been there myself. You must fight the desire and destroy him... before he destroys you. I love you daughter but the pride is becoming weary of your antics. You are an adult now and the strongest of all, save myself. If you were not, the pride would have run you away or worse."
"Mother, you are wrong! You Think you know my heart but you do Not!!"
Seeing her mother move at such speed took Leandra by surprise. In a single breath her mother was in front of her. Leandra watched in fear as her mothers featured went from a beautiful queen, to a Leopard with strength beyond mans imagination. Her claws extended she gently took Leandra's face between her paws and pulled her to her own face. The scent of a fresh kill was still on her mothers breath and Leandra licked her lips and fought Not to change again. Her mothers low growl was telling Leandra everything she needed to know. Deanna loved her daughter more than life itself but she knew she needed to bring reality to her daughters mind. Squeezing Leandra's head between her paws, her heart ripped in two as she listened to her daughter cry out.
"Mother please, it hurts me when you do that! Please stop!!" Leandra knew not to pull away. Her mother's claws would tear her human form to tiny shreds.
"This is Nothing, Daughter." Deanna's growl made Leandra try to turn her head away. "Stop moving Cub! You do Not need more wounds than what that Man-Beast has already given you! Do not chance to talk aggressive to me and do Not tell me what I know to be true is wrong! You have loved the man Michael since you were a child. HE does Not love you! He wants only to see you dead! You, and all of your pride. Hell daughter, he waits to see the end of your entire people! When next you see him, you must kill him before he kills you. I am powerless against him because he has both bloods in him. He has the old dominate male blood and in that, he has the strength to kill us all. All except you.
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Michael drove through the pouring rain. His site was not like a common mans. He saw through the rain as if it were a perfectly clear day. Jordan would sleep most of the drive. His wounds would only heal while he rested. By evening he would have 75% of his strength back. It would be enough to do some battle but never enough to win against a strong adversary. Michael would have to watch over Jordan until all of his strength had returned. Jordan was only part of the things going on for Michael. He knew that the humans would return to finish what they had started. He could not allow them to kill Leandra. His heart knew that as well as his mind did. He heard Jordan stirring in the back seat.
"Why are we going back to the very place that you and were nearly killed? It makes no sense to me at all. Tell me there is not something going on between you and the girl."
Michael stared at the road in front of him. He offered no answer and Jordan knew not to push the issue.
"If we do not find a way to come to terms with the Pride, the humans will hunt us down and destroy all of us. It is the Only way, Jordan. We can not run our entire life. If we can find a way to convince the humans we can co-exist, we can then be free to live our lives as we have for centuries."
"How might we do that Michael? We are beasts, remember?"
"Not always, Jordan. We do exist as humans also."
"Half-lings, Michael. We are called Half-lings, remember?" Michael growled low. He hated that word. "not all of us can change at will like you and the she-cat can. You are the only ones that have that power. My father was Not your father. I am like the others. The dark and night still rule my world."
"Yes, and it is for Your world that I go to the cats and seek their help. We must either change the minds of those that want to kill us or destroy them."
The sun would not be gone for many hours. Michael knew that there was no way to negotiate with the cats unless they were in their human forms. He needed to make it to their forest before the sun set.He pushed down on the gas pedal and wondered if what he was trying to do were even possible. He would not know the answer unless he asked.
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Leandra sat alone, looking at the scars on her arms and legs. She was grateful that the worst of them were covered by clothing. She would only have to answer for the purple around her left eye. Her human friends would no doubt think she had been abused by some man. She snickered to herself. She knew that in the strangest way, they would not be far from right. She needed the human contact and cursed herself for that. They were an enemy to be reckoned with. They had seen that before. She still had to figure out what she was to do about Michael. Her mother was of course correct. She had been in love with him for longer than she could recall. To kill him was something she knew in human form she could never do. And yet, she had a better chance to kill him that way than when she changed again. His strength had scared her earlier. Never had she known such power. Why had he not killed her? HE could have finished her and yet he stopped and allowed her to claw him so badly. Maybe, she thought, maybe he loved her too...
Leandra heard the sounds of her friends voices. They were screaming and yelling to her. "What happened to You!?!? Damn it, girl, don't you know how to just say No and get away from the creep that did this?"
Leandra smiled at Lori. She had been her best friend for most of her life. She was also the Only human that knew what Leandra really was. It was their secret and Lori had never betrayed her.
"It was a rough night, Lori. Don't even ask."
"Was it Michael?"
"No, Michael could have but he didn't. I am still wondering why he didn't."

The Half-lings...

2010-02-05T11:18:00.000-08:00

He drove for what seemed liked hours. The rain was relentless and his eyes grew weary. The constant slapping sound of the windshield wipers echoed in his head and tried to lure him to sleep. The trees sagged from the weight of the soaking rain fall. They looked like old men, backs bent and touching the ground at times. He drove past a golf course, that's only occupants were four deer, standing drenched in the cold. Steam rose from their backs as the rain covered them, though it seemed to go un-noticed by the deer herd. Michael rubbed his eyes and rolled his window down. The rain and cold felt good on his face and arm and did what he wanted it to do. The rain woke him and he sat straight in the seat and tried to focus on the road. What was behind him needed to stay there. If it caught up with him again, Michael was sure it would kill him. It's very presence was enough to do that. Michael needed to re-gain his strength before he had to do battle again. The wounds would heal themselves, sure enough. It wasn't those injuries that bothered him. It was the wounds that had sliced into his soul and stripped him of part of his powers. Which powers he had lost, he wasn't yet certain of. How long they were gone for was any ones guess. Michael did not have the grace to second guess anything right now.
She sat near the entrance to the valley. Tree covered, the way in was nearly impossible to see unless you knew what you were looking for. She licked at her cuts and watched them close with each touch of her tongue. She winced in pain at the deeper cuts. Her fur was a tangled mess and she hoped to have it all in place when the change came. When had he gained so much strength? The man Michael could never have come so close to defeating her in the past. She hated him for reasons she was no longer sure of. Leandra had come from a long line of She-cats. Her mother and the others had slowly but surely gained dominance over the males in the pride. Rearing their daughters to be killers was only one part of their training. Hating the males and slowly killing the strong ones was a bigger challenge. A challenge they had finally won. Now the males hunted and watched over the young as her mother and aunts had once done.
Michael pulled into a rest area that had a shower. He washed the mud from his body and thought about the man that had once owned the vehicle he was driving. He had not meant to hurt him. He merely needed the vehicle to get away from Leandra and her pride. If he had waited until he had fully turned, perhaps he would not have been so vicious with the man. He may have felt some human compassion and allowed him to live. None of that really mattered now. What was done, was done. he had to survive and to have waited longer would have left him vulnerable and probably dead now. Alone, he would have killed Leandra. The strength of her whole pride had been too much for him. Michael knew inside that it was not the pride that had caused him to nearly die. He knew that he had held back from releasing his full power on Leandra. He was completely aware of Why he had done so. That knowledge angered him. He lashed out at the shower stall with his hands. As the shower stall wall shredded into slivers and fell to the floor, Michael cursed under his breath. Hearing a voice behind him, Michael felt his body responding to what could be an enemy. Teeth sharpened and lengthened. His hands stretched and his nails became like steel.
"Put them away, Michael. I do not wish to be the recipient of the talons."
Michael turned and looked into the face of his brother, Jordan. He wasn't sure how he felt about seeing him here.
"How did you find me, brother? I left you many miles away!"
Jordan could feel the anger in Michael. He stepped back and a shudder went up and down his spine. He knew that Michael could kill him with just a single lashing out of his hand. Jordan wondered if it had been a mistake following his older brother here.
"Please Michael, I do not want to fight and I want to die even less."
"Why did you come here, Jordan? I should kill you just because you left the caves. You took a huge chance that you could have been followed."
"I wasn't, Brother. I swear."
"And if you had been, we would both be dead right now. I do not have the strength for another battle at this time. Tell me now why you are here?!?!"
"We were attacked in the night, while you were away."
"Attacked??? Attacked by what?!?!?!?"
"Humans , Michael. They found us and came at us with every weapon they could find. We lost five of our pride. I used what powers I had to keep those that died from changing. The humans did Not get the proof they sought to prove we were half man."
"Did they say anything during the attack?"
"The last we killed said there would be more. He said the cats would be the next to die."
Michael looked at Jordan, his eyes softening a bit and his teeth receding. His thoughts raced to Leandra and he felt his heart race. He could not let his brother see his reaction.
"Then this is a battle for all halflings. We will find a way to defeat the weaklings together!"
"She-cats and Man-Beasts fighting side by side, Brother!? You must have been injured far worse than it appears."
Michael's growl and the quickness of his bite told Jordan he had stepped where he was not allowed. One bite from Michael's powerful jaws was enough to tell Jordan to say no more. He would be healing from this bite for a long time.
"Get in the car, Jordan! We have far to drive..."

Just my thoughts

2010-02-05T09:04:00.000-08:00

Sitting here today, listening to music, knowing my low is settling on for the long haul. My mind travels in all directions as Elvis sings to me "And I Love you So." The words take me to a million years ago, it seems. To my first love and through out life, all the places I have been, the things I have done. Sometimes, when a person is down inside, they seek out those things that have brought joy and contentment to their lives. The past and present and sometimes if one dares to dream, the future. Remembering a time before the Bipolar and tourettes shoved the simple life aside and changed my world. Things that seemed so easy became nearly impossible to grasp. Anyone that is bipolar, depressed or simply feeling as if they are not connected to the world or anyone around them knows the feelings I write about here.
A heart that seeks so many things. To find acceptance for who he is. To find where it is he belongs in this crazy world. A place that everyone feels the same and so there is no need to say "Please don't judge me or tell me to "fix it." Seeking a chance to go back and do things right but knowing nothing done can be undone once time has gone by. To walk with out wondering how many eyes are watching you or if you have made some movement or twitched without realizing you did and someone saw it. Not wanting to have to explain it all. The need and desire to find a place that is hidden to slip into when I need too. Wanting to back time up a bit and reach out for something beautiful and hold on to it tightly. So tight that it is still with you when you reach the place you had just been.
I look around me and I see a "support team" that is so good and so understanding. I click or twitch and they simply go on about their business. I really should be quite content but my mind wont allow that. I have never forgotten one single incident in my life. The good and the bad.The thoughts have inter-acted with one another and gives to me a vast imagination to write. This once again is the world of a bipolar person. Abstract, confusion and fear that I have or will hurt someone and that tears me apart because it is NEVER EVER meant. I think there are many that know exactly where it is that I am right now. ..................

What is success and how do you know you found it????

2010-02-04T15:08:00.000-08:00

How do you measure success? The definitions all point towards the achievement of a goal that one has set for themselves. They also mention becoming famous and/or rich, though I think that one may indeed go hand in hand today. I read and then re-read the definitions and try to find myself inside of it. The truth is... I am not sure that becoming rich nor famous is the ultimate height of being successful. I sometimes believe that success is being where you wanted to be right when you were there.
I have been called a success by some and yet I still fail to see that in myself. Having published novels and a CD produced with my own songs on it Should really spell out success. I am sure that it would and does for some people. For me, if it does not come with your name being in homes at the dinner table or recognized for your Achievements, then is it really success? Doesn't the word scream out for more than "accomplishments?"
I look at my life and think about all the places I have been and all that I have done. I managed to grow up without harming anyone physically. I made a lot of friends along the way and am remembered by many of them, some years after I myself had forgotten their names. I served my country in the Air force and married a beautiful woman. We waltzed through this world, adversaries and all, hand in hand and raised two beautiful daughters. We battled a disease that tried hard to take our freedom and our happiness away, but we won that battle. I served the Lord faithfully for many years and hopefully planted seeds in the hearts of some young people.
Sometimes, to see success, I look towards my father. I see all his children rally around him and seek his advice when life slaps them in the face. I watch his grand children look up at him with love and respect and think to myself... this is a measure of success. Though wealth was never his or my mothers, they have waltzed through this world together for almost 60 years. They still hold each others hand and their love for one another is without question. I wonder if perhaps success is something other than fame and money. It may be that the word truly means being remembered only because you are you.
If I sit and think about myself, perhaps I have seen success at times in my life and was so busy looking for the pay check that I missed it. It is said that history is destined to repeat itself and I wonder in my mind if I might be doing that. Am I so busy reaching for the fame and money side that I am missing the success that lies in front of me. I Have published novels and I Have produced a CD that will live on forever. I do have beautiful people in my life and have been blessed more than any man deserved to be. If all of this is true, then why do I still seek what I already have? What event or happening will it take before I am content to simply live my life out?
Abstract thoughts perhaps, but thoughts that bring out the question.. What is the true meaning of success? What personifies the word and how do we know that we have achieved it? Just rambling thoughts of a man that is caught in a world that is often to fast and too harsh for me to settle in my heart. "Being where I want to be when I am there." Hmmmmmm????

Bay Area Bags... a one stop place to go.

2010-01-31T07:38:00.000-08:00

Are you looking for that one stop place for all your fashion needs? Apparel, bags, purses and totes? You need go no further than The Bay Area Bags. They carry one of the widest varieties of women's apparel you will find anywhere.
If it is shoes you are looking for, Bay Area Bags have them for you. They have shoes to fit your every occasion. No matter if you are a Sandal girl, a flat shoe lady or the "come and get it" stiletto type, Bay Area Bags has a shoe with your signature on it.
Do you need a wallet to accent your clothing? Are you looking for just the right bracelet or charm to meld perfectly with your wardrobe? Look no further than Bay Area Bags. This is your "one stop, anything you need to look your best" shop and they have it all going for You. Stop in and enjoy. You are certain to be Impressed.

Weighing Good versus Bad.

2010-01-27T08:05:00.000-08:00

The weather outside is "Frightful" and I see nothing at all "delightful" about it. I took a walk this morning as the snow fell. It was a time to relax and reflect a bit on some things that have been on my mind. I began to wonder what really makes us worthy of friends and of good things in life. What says "You are a good man" or "You have found success in this world?" I pondered these questions, trying as hard as I could Not to allow this bipolar brain of mine to take over. I fight for my own true thoughts because I Know that within the Bipolar world that I live in most of the time, the only answers I will receive is "you are not a good man... you have Not found success." Why? Because that is what a bipolar mind does. It seeks out all the reasons you are not a good person.
SO, I thought about what things about This man... Me, that would cause me to over-ride my mind and allow me to see what others have told me they see in me. I have reached out to those less fortunate than me for as long as I can remember. Even as a young boy, I surrounded myself with young people that were other wise Not accepted in the "every day world. It was a time when "challenged" kids were shunned by society. I saw no difference between them and myself. I took them under my wing and they in turn, gave me their trust.
I was and continue to be kind to those around me and have continued to feel the sadness and fears of those around me. To give of myself has been life's greatest blessing and the rewards inside have always been more than THIS man deserved. I stood by the side of a woman that taught me more about being strong and endurance than anyone else in this world. Though I fell short of being a totally good man to her, what I did give to her was my heart and soul. We walked through this often cruel world, hand in hand, crying with her when she needed to cry, laughed when ever we could and as hard as we could. Never allowing life to hold us back, we went for the Gold and won. I was a good husband and made certain she kept her dignity and her reason for being here.
As a father, I always made time for my daughters. We laughed and played and every where Sheila and I went, the girls went with us. We taught them the power of love and the meaning of a good days work. We showed them the rewards of working hard and what it meant to be responsible. And before they graduated, I managed to leave their mother, hurting her in ways I could not have even imagined and changing their safe worlds forever for them. A wrong I will and do live with daily, for the rest of my life.
I am a published author of two Suspense Novels and have written over 100 songs. I have a CD that is available, of love songs I have written. They still wait to find the fame that I truly believe that they are worthy of. Unfinished or unrealized... either way, the same results. I look back over this, a mere fragment of what I have done in the 51 years I have been blessed with thus far. I look at where I have been and the things I have done. I Do see the good things but I also see that somewhere inside each one of the fragments of my life, I caused someone pain.
What defines a good man? Are the things he did before he messed them up strong enough to make him worthy of being called friend? Does the merit given to that person stand of its own strength or do the faults and failures out shine or cloud the good that was there? Can a Hall of Famer have that title truly stripped from his being? Or does he in fact remain that person that came through when he was most needed, that gave his best before the world became his very own private war, in some peoples eyes? IS he/she allowed to stand and smile and say "I am a good person, worthy of being called "your friend" even after he falls?
The battle, the Bipolar slowly slipping in and taking over thoughts that moments ago had a good feeling to them and so it is time to leave this blog before all things become negative again, as I know they will. Can I call myself a good man, a good Son and Father and Mate? Or have the failures and faults erased that which was once my pride? I wonder...

Direct TV... Television the way you like it.

2010-01-26T14:31:00.001-08:00

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Direct TV offers "Packages" through out the year, giving you the opportunity to take advantage of their Awesome specials. Saving you money and time, the packages include all of your favorite programs, all for one price. Direct TV gives you a 99.9% efficiency for reliability.
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Writing... a different world.

2010-01-22T13:34:00.000-08:00

Sometimes... Life just gets really busy and we try to fit as much of it into the time we have as we can. It seems though that to accomplish as much as we can in one day, we have to set some things aside. How does one decide which things it will be that do not receive the attention they should be getting? I understand priority... but whose priority? Do we base it on personal issues or do we look at the "business" side of life and place that in the higher priority spot?
Perhaps I over think things at times. I am a writer and I DO believe that a writers world is truly NOT like anyone elses world. I wonder how you segregate the personal sometimes from the work that needs to be done in order to make ends meet? I know that bills need to be paid and that Life is going to happen no matter what we do. That is a given. But I find myself often times NOT finishing, Not accomplishing things that I know have to be done because I have a need and a want and desire to spend time with friends that are so important to me. I sit and try and figure out what is Really important in my life. I am a writer and that is my passion. I write for the enjoyment and I write because I want to share with the world all that is inside of me. I want to be a name that is spoken at some dinner table or tea shop far, far away from me. I want to see life happening in as many ways as possible.
I also value the love of my family and of my friends and not simply want but Need to give my time to them. Inside of me, I battle to try and know what it is I am to do and yet sometimes it still leaves me not knowing for sure . The need for success and the need for family is often a place I find myself at a stand still. Does one thing or at least a part of one thing have to be sacrificed for the other to happen? There was a time when the two seemed to fold together and neither was left alone. To dwell in harmony together there has to be a contentment that says it is alright if I am doing one or the other for a time.
I think that when I worked outside of the house it was easier. I knew that each day I had a job to do and it was not a choice thing of when I did it or how long I would be working. Hours were set and when the day was finished, my time was then given to my family. Working from the home can change a lot of that. There is always something to do at home outside of the writing and the pushing the novels. Sometimes it takes me away for hours and when the time comes that I can sit and do a little work here, there are family matters and family time that calls. I have often thought of renting a little studio that would be where I went to work to do my stuff but that simply is not an option.
A writers life is for certain a different life from others I think. Inspiration comes at all hours and punches no time clock. In bed, while on the road, working in the yard... all of these places are wide open to inspirations. There was a time I carried a little tape recorder and a note pad with me Every where that I went. Do you know how hard And how dangerous it is to try and write down a few words on a note pad at 70 miles per hour on the interstate? The saying "Ashes to ashes and dust to dust, IF he had been watching the road, he would still be with us" takes on a life of it's own. Written a bit in fun, it truly held merit at times. I think that the truth be said, segregating family and work has got to be as much an art and act of discipline as the writing itself.
I think that perhaps I will continue doing things just as I have for some time now. My family seems content with it, I get most of my work finished and what does not get finished will simply wait for the following day. As I said before, I may in fact over think things at times but that is My mind and I don't see it changing any time soon. This is the life of not just a writer... this is the life of a bipolar writer. Is there really a difference in the two? YES!!! For me, abstract is a way of life and to have 10 projects going and none quite finished is a normal state of being for me. But when one DOES find it's way to completion, I promise you, it is spectacular.

Until Death Do We Meet and Abduction

2010-01-11T10:36:00.000-08:00

Two powerful novels that will have you wanting to see the next page as quick as you can!!!

AmericanCarQuotes

2010-01-09T09:08:00.000-08:00

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2010... New or Used?

2010-01-01T08:24:00.001-08:00

Today begins a New year. 2010 arrived very much in the same way that 2009 had arrived one year ago. As I look back on the past year and reflect on where I have been and where I wanted to go, I find many places, goals, if you will, that I did not make reality. Goals that weren't missed because they were unattainable. Every single one of them was with in my reach if I had pushed a little harder... reached out further and applied myself more aggressively. Some of them were so close I could feel them being finished. Others I let sit, knowing that with a little effort, I would have made them reality. Unfinished, unrealized because of that part of me that says "what if I fail?"
I heard the statement today :Same crap, different year" and it really hit me hard. I realized that the goals I have set for myself are not "failure" goals. They are not pre-destined to collapse some-where just short of the finish line. All of the elements for success are already in place. Certainly they will not happen on their own. They will need a little help on my part and perhaps, yes, a break or two. The right eyes to see what I have created. The avenues opened up so that I can get my works through to the person that needs to see them. But each and everyone of them have all the potential to be a success. It Doesn't Have to be the "same crap." It only has to be a New Year, a different Year. That is the only thing that I have no control over.
Novels waiting to be published and free-lancing that just needs a push out the door. people and places that are there, like fruit in a tree that is ripe and needs only to be harvested. People that are dear to my soul that can help me simply by their encouraging words are still in my life. They are still as near as a screen. No miles in between, no distance running to catch them. Just a simple, caring hand reached out to say "I am Still here. I have not left. I am going No-where except forward and I would love for you to come along."
Discipline... Causing myself, Making Myself set boundaries for where I spend my time and how wisely I make use of it. Knowing that it can only get away from me If I allow it too. Again, Knowing there are always variables to everything in life but understanding that fact and having alternatives ways of still accomplishing my goals. Easily done? No, not always for me. My mind simply doesn't always work on that even of a keel. Sometimes, life takes me away for a time and I need to readjust my mind set. But that doesn't mean that I can not still do what I have set out to do. Does it? Can I truly do what I believe today, this first day of a New Year, I can accomplish? Will life and things that have plagued me for more years than I care to count slip in unseen and take away the desire and the belief I have today in myself? Will it be another "bipolar" year for me? Does it have to be? Really????
{Sighs...} I guess it all depends on myself and those that I surround myself with. On the encouragement of those that matter to me. I think that without that very important element, it could be the "same crap with just a different Year's Date."

Low's and a Freight Train...

2009-12-29T08:15:00.000-08:00

I once believed that you could NOT stop a freight train that was in motion. I learned very recently... that simply is not true. Today, I sit and think of the New Year coming. I know that with the changing of the calender, so many new things will appear. Doors that have been open forever may close, making way for new ones to be opened. New roads to walk on and new hands to hold as you journey into things and places Unknown. Not All will be new. Some of the places we have been and people we have known for a lifetime will be refreshed and begin anew. AND some things... will remain exactly as they have been for a very long time.
This morning I was asked about the Bipolar Disorder. When asked, I always feel compelled to answer the question of "what is it" and "how do I know if I have it?" The link of have placed here gives a very good "Medical" description, which of course is where one should look first. It is very important that if you do think you may suffer from this affliction that you contact your Doctor and discuss it with her/him. They will know the proper channels to take in order to determine what it is you feel you may have.
But truly, a doctor is only going to be able to take you so far and then the individual personality traits step in. Though most Bipolar people have the same initial signs and actions that come with being Bipolar, each and every person is different in some ways. Some may suffer deeper Lows and deal with their issues unlike another Bipolar person. Depression is Always factored in as part of being Bipolar. Though one can be depressed and Not be Bipolar, no one that suffers from Bipolar disorder is with out Depression. How life's obstacles and sadness is faced and dealt with also have a great deal to do with how deeply effected you are by the disorder. What triggers a Low often evades the patient and there may be times that No reason s found. It simply comes on and effects your daily routine, your love life, your thoughts and decisions and it effects your ability to function in the "outside" world. Small things that never effected you or that do Not effect most people may set your emotions on a downward spin. Tears that may go on for hours or even days. The feeling of being worth nothing to anyone or that everything or everyone you touch will turn into a disaster. A desire to be alone a great deal of your time and the fears of what may happen if you stay in the Low too long are always thoughts inside the head of a bipolar person. Highs that cause you to believe that there is not a single task nor a single person that you can not fixed or finish. But in the end, the Low slips in and the realization that you are NOT a Super human sets in.
Today... actually last night, I had a life altering situation come to me. And in that situation, the very question that was asked of me, was answered. The Low that has set it's Talons into my mind is as strong as they get for me. As I describe it to you, you will have a first hand experience with a bipolar person in a low. Confusion and a feeling of dis-connection from the rest of the world settle inside my mind. Uncertainties and the barrage of guilt and anger and sadness and fear all coupled together by a string in my mind layed the foundation for a Low that will take me from one end of being lost to the other side of feeling empty and alone. I will process and assess and I will take blame and atone. I will feel as if I don't deserve to know happiness or love because I have hurt someone, in some way... whether or not that actual hurt even occurred.
Is it cold in the house today or is it simply my sadness that has left me wrapped in a blanket, feeling as if it were 20 below zero in the house. Turning the heat up in the house only to find oneself roasting and turning the heat back down again. The world, for now, suddenly seeming less safe and less inhabitable by one such as myself. Smoking far more than normal and searching the empty space around me for some type of security, anything that I can take hold of and hold close to me as if it were a life line to reality. A door, once open with a "welcome" mat in front of it, now closing, though I struggle with whether or not that can even happen. The door closing from the inside and myself standing somewhere outside. Afraid and writing with all that I am because it is a "safe place" for me. Scared of where this Low may take me and so I fight with all that I have inside of me to stay afloat in a sea of sadness and silence and fear.
THIS... this is My world. This is what being Bipolar is to me. The emotions tearing at me and the knowing that I will have to face this up close and personal and that it will take all that those that love me unconditionally have inside of them to pull me out of this train wreck. "You can't stop a freight train in motion"... Unless you take the tracks away it rides on. Always, Simply Me.

Direct TV... Television Your way.

2009-12-28T06:48:00.000-08:00

With so many companies vying for the top spot in television viewing,consumers are looking closely at the "packages" offered by cable and satellite companies. In reality, there is only One company that truly stands out.
Direct TV is the service to have if you are looking for everything you want for your television viewing all in one place. Direct TV offers a wide variety of viewing pleasure for you and your family. It's your "everything under one roof" package that will set you up for the entire year.
If it is Sports that you want to see more of, Direct TV offers it all. From ESPN and ESPN Classic to MLB and NFL Network. For the best coverage in the Nation, these networks will cover the games You want to see. NHL and NCAA, along with Soccer, Tennis and any other sport you can think of, is just a click away. It includes Nascar Hotpass for all your racing information. HBO, Starz, Encore and Showtime are all included in Direct TV's packages. You choose what You want to see.
Direct TV and Direct TV Sattellite offer "Packages" through out the year, giving you the opportunity to take advantage of their Awesome specials. Saving you money and time, the packages include all of your favorite programs, all for one price. Direct TV gives you a 99.9% efficiency for reliability.
And right now, Direct TV is making you an offer you almost can't refuse. An offer that keeps on giving until 2011. That is one full year of great savings and even Greater Television for You and Your Family. When looking for the right company for all your needs, Direct TV is the Only place to stop.

The New Year... what will it bring with it!?!?!?!?

2009-12-27T05:53:00.000-08:00

Today I sit alone in a very quiet house. No kids, no sounds except for the purring of my cat George. Yes, George is of course a she. But, enter my little Bipolar brain and just nod that "Of course" nod that tells me you are not at all surprised. I think back to the year that is almost finished with a sense of completion, yet at the same time... with a feeling that so many things did NOT get done. Projects started 100 times over, sometimes with almost the promised look that they Would in fact be completed, but with the knowing that they probably would not.
I have watched all of my girls grow and change in many ways. I have felt things that have Always been, slowly slip away, leaving me with a sense of emptiness. I have been loved more than I am sure I deserve. Time has gotten away from me more often than I have controlled it. Times with my therapist that has helped me more than I can say. And finding a safe place that has finally settled in to my heart and mind, telling me that she will not hurt me or take advantage of the mind set that is "my" little world.
I wonder what this new year will bring to me. I await it with a huge mix of excitement and fear. Excited that I may see my next novels in print. Excited that I may see my oldest two daughters find happiness and true love. The fear of knowing that for every "UP", no matter how high it takes me, there Will be a "Low" to battle. Wondering if I will have the strength to make it through the on-slaught of Lows that will be part of my New Year. And the knowledge that with new things come changes and changes are simply something I do NOT do well with.
This has been a different Christmas for me also. The weather has been a disaster here, truly, since the Spring rains that did not want to stop. And on August 9th, the storm to beat all storms in Eldora struck. Winds so high that the town's meter broke and we were only at 116 miles per hour when it broke. Hailstones so big they took out every window in the house and part of the roof. One, kept for remembering, placed in the freezer, that was the size of a softball. The loss of our pet squirrel due to shock from the storm. Clean-up and new rooves and windows that after over 5 months, is still going on.
December, the month of Christmas... a time for joy and laughter and going to G-ma's and G-pa's for a huge Christmas meal. This year, like so many other things related to the ever changing weather, a winter storm hit us a week before Christmas. Eighteen inches of beautiful but dangerous snow fell on us. Then, Christmas eve and the day before, we were bombarded with Ice!!! Ice and rain and more ice and rain. All roads in and out of Eldora closed to travelers. There would be no Christmas dinner at Mom and Dad's because there was no way to get into their house. A change! Huge and different and hard for me to adjust too. We would have Christmas dinner at home with just my little family. Sitting down and enjoying and knowing that the true reason we got together was to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ and to give thanks for all he has given to us. Perhaps our father in heaven wanted to remind some that Christmas is Not about getting together and exchanging gifts. It is about celebrating his son's birth. No matter where you are or what you are doing, it is still the day we have set aside and called it Jesus' birthday.
Still, fear lies inside of me. A fear that the new year Will be like the year that is almost over. That I will still start a thousand projects, still make a hundred promises, that when they were made, were pure and true and that my heart meant to keep. Life, ever changing, some for the good and some... causing me to go into a massive depression again. I know that I am different in my issues and the disorders that are always a part of my life. I hear of all these people that hide away for days. I know of some that simply can not face anyone nor anything and they find a place to be and simply stay there until their Low has subsided for a time again.
Me!!!??? I have family that relies on me daily for so many things. Children that need their father to be able to reach out and be there for them. I can NOT simply disappear for a day or two. I know in my heart that to be able to do that perhaps would be the worst possible scenario for me. The feeling of worthlessness and of failure, the destruction inside of me that goes on because I KNOW I have not completed so many things, would overwhelm me in such a terrible way. BUSY!!!! That is my savior daily. Parents that taught me that no matter what, you have responsibilities and so where my mind or my heart go, must be always secondary to whatever this sometimes 1000 mile per hour brain of mine takes me. Too much alone time, to few responsibilities would translate for me into "time to atone for me sins." Sins that perhaps do not truly exist except inside of my own mind and heart. Hurting people I love because my mouth says what is on my heart, sometimes too quickly. I want to be that number 1 best selling author. I want to be a good father. I want to be true and good. And I KNOW that if not for the things that keep me Busy, I Would find a place and sit and not move and not speak to anyone except for myself.
Life is strange as it is. It is hard at times and beautiful also. I am loved so sweetly and my "issues" simply noticed and tenderly subsided. And yet, still, there is the sadness that lives inside of me that wants so much to destroy anything that might be finished. Why? Because in finishing something, it can now be assessed and judged or rated. And that... leaves a door open to failure. See the abstract places my mind goes? Feel the sense of dis-connection I must live with? Feel my heart today and know that I want the New Year to be a better year. I want to know the things I dream of. I want to touch the lives that are a part of my very being. I want to have a day that I Do NOT see myself as anything other than a messed up man that is out of place in this world. I want to know Peace.

Merry Christmas with Love... Bipolar and All.

2009-12-23T06:48:00.000-08:00

Christmas... A season of joy and family togetherness. A time when people travel miles and miles, their vehicles filled to the brim with packages and food and children squealing and laughing. Thoughts of a huge turkey basting in Grandma's oven and all the trimmings waiting to be devoured by the on-slaught of person after person. Dressing, hot out of the Bird, mashed potatoes with turkey gravy covering them. Sweet potatoes, soaking in brown sugar and marsh mellows with cranberries in a bowl not far away. The relish tray adorned with olives and pickles and celery and carrots and a dip made of cottage cheese, mayo and ranch dressing begging to be eaten. And the Hot buns that will have butter melting inside of them, looking like the perfect place for a slice of the Honey Ham that will be sliced, fresh out of the oven. A house that is filled with all of the aromas that tell us it is Christmas Day. Conversations going every which way and family trying to be part of as many of them as they can at one time.
Listen closely and you can hear Grandma and Grandpa whispering to one another how wonderful it is to have all of their family together again. Each year a blessing just to be still present and well. A prayer being said by all of the children, young and older, telling God we are thankful that his son was born on this day that we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. How beautiful a picture that is. A Picture I painted directly from my own Christmas days Past and Present. How could anything so beautiful have a single thing about it that would cause a person to become depressed????
There is a measure of people... 3.5 million to be at least close, that the holidays are very hard for to get through. Life isn't always the same on the outside of ones mind as it is on the inside. depression has a way of finding things to be sad about. Taking all the wonders of the season, analyzing them, picking them apart and finding the things that DID NOT happen or that DID happen that had nothing to do at all with the season. Although many wish that for just one single day, their minds could forget all the past and the things that drag them down, somewhere in the quiet moments, when there is NOT 100 conversations going, thoughts will find their way out and take a person from very, very happy to very sad. Tears without reason will fall and feelings will over take the smiles that were theirs only moments ago. They will find a place to be alone because they don't want... or should I say Can not answer the question of why they are sad when someone asks them. It may be as short lived as a cigarette smoke or as long as the night lasts. It even comes in short spurts and a trip to the restroom can be the difference between happy and sad.
I write this today for the reason that I write most of my posts. I write it so that people know they are not alone in these feelings. I write so they don't feel as if they have ruined everything for the holidays or that Anything that goes wrong on Christmas Day was caused in some way by them. I write to let others know that they are loved and that they simply need to walk away now and then, find a place to be alone and gather their thoughts. Even if just for a moment or two, it will help. I write this today so that someone out there knows that if they have their "safe place" person with them on Christmas Day, it is alright to tell them you are feeling a bit Ummmm, "Abstract" I like to call it. "Disconnected" works wonderfully too. I write this today for people... people JUST LIKE ME. You can get through the Christmas Crazies and enjoy them. All the food and laughter and smiles is there for You too. Take the day a moment at a time and remember, those people love you, even when you don't think you deserve to be loved. God Bless you all and May the Christmas season be bright and beautiful for you. And remember, You are Not alone. Not ever. Someone bigger than you or I has his loving hand on us. Merry Christmas from our home to yours. Always, Darrel

Just my heart talking...

2009-12-18T07:49:00.000-08:00

As another day was about to close last night, I reached for my guitar to tune the it. A new string needed to be added and so with that comes the stretching and tuning over the next day or two. Agreeing to play and sing with a four year olds program for a Christmas caroling at the local bank was a wonderfully rewarding blessing. The children are eager and they sing with their hearts. No worries about what others may think. No concerns as to whether they are singing in tune or in some key not yet defined by the music industry. They simply want to sing and see people smile as they do. They bring a joy to the hearts of all that hear them sing.
The guitar falls easily back in to tune and my family gathers around to sing a few songs. "Just a moment is all I need, to make sure it is in tune," I tell them. Two hours later, I am sure it is now in tune. We have sang as a family since they were babies. Now, grown and living lives of their own, they ask over and over for songs that we have sang for a life-time. Their life-time and mine. The sad songs of the Sixties. They beautiful songs of the 70's and the 80's ring out. We sing in the same way that this Abstract, bipolar mind works. We slide easily from Gospel to oldies and toss in a bit of country so that my beautiful family can do a little Line dancing.
"I don't know for sure how to Waltz, Dad. Show me please." I look at my oldest and smile. This ole body hasn't Waltzed since a few years before their mother went to heaven. But... Waltz we did. And I still have both my feet! A two step and a jitterbug later and my legs are telling me to sit. Did I miss a step in that jitterbug? Was my Waltz a little faster than need be? I don't know. What I do know is that we smiled and we laughed and we sang. Like those precious Angels I am blessed to sing and play the guitar with at a local bank today, we didn't worry whether it was perfect or not. We only cared that it was fun.
And so today, I think about Christmas and what I will do this year. I will sing with my family and will enjoy all the food and festivities that come with it. I will say a prayer for those less fortunate than I. And I will remember the pure innocence of the children and how they do not worry nor care about what others are thinking of their sounds. They simply Enjoy as will I this Christmas season. Times past mingled with Time present to make the season almost perfect. There is a feeling in the air this time of year. Grab hold of it and smile. Don't look back and don't worry what others may be thinking. Just Enjoy their smiles and laugh.

In another persons shoes...

2009-12-05T08:51:00.000-08:00

This morning, as I sit and look out at the snow laying on the ground, thinking about how cold it is outside... I wondered something. Life is a challenge for most these days. There are bills to pay and kids to raise. There are tasks to be done and life in general to make it through. One day at a time. I look around at all that I have here. The roof over my head keeping my safe and dry. I see all of my world possesions. Things I hold close as my own and things that I can not remember when nor the reason why I bought them or still have them. I think to myself just how fortunate I really am. I close my eyes for a moment and I thank God in Heaven for all the blessings he had bestowed upon me. Not riches beyond my wildest dreams but enough to pay bills and enjoy life a little bit.
And then another thought came to me. I began to think about those less fortunate than me. My heart weighs heavy while thinking about the homeless and the unsheltered. My mind wanders to the Missions that open their doors to these people, some barely into their teens. I feel a stab at my heart and realize exactly how blessed I am. There are so many people, adults as well as children that are "without" this Christmas Holiday. They have no home, little to no food and their thought this Christmas will be where their next meal will come from. They are not worried about whether or not that will open a gift this year. All they want is a warm place to sleep and a hot meal to fill their stomachs. Winter is here! The cold has set in and suddenly... it isn't a place that any person should be outside in, unprotected from the elements.
We live in a world where we toss away more food in a day than some eat in a week. I can hear my Mothers voice echoing in my ear. She is telling me that I need to eat what she put on my plate. She says "there are people in this world that are starving!" My thought, though I kept it to myself was "O.k., send this to them then." It was funny then. I laughed about even years later. Long after my mother finally got tired of sitting there telling me to eat and tossed the food on my plate in the garbage. We ourselves were not rich in any way but we always had food and a roof over our heads. We always had heat in the house and the right clothes to wear when the weather turned cold.
Today, so many years later, I Understand. I know that my mother was right. She was right then and she would still be right today. There "really" are starving people in this world. In a world that produces food and more food so that we can toss it if we decide not to eat it, there are those that would gladly have eaten it for us.
Today, this minute, I sit and thank God for all he has given to me and my family. I thank him for the house and the food and the extra things that I sometimes, I forget I even have. I write this to you because we should not live in a world of hungry homeless people. We as a people should and Can reach out to do a little something to help those less fortunate. Walk in their shoes for just a minute and see how it feels. Better yet, walk outside in the cold without your shoes on and feel what they feel each and every day. The economy today has effected every single person in the world in some way. Whether it be big or small, the effects are visible and felt by millions. Jobs are being cut and families are going without many things they had been accustomed to. Lives are being changed and families are finding it harder to pay bills.
This Christmas season... I challenge you to reach out to someone less fortunate than you are. I implore you to seek out a family, a shelter for women or homeless. Find that someone or someones that will go without the festivities of the holiday season and take tyheir hand. Give of yourself something they do not have. There are so many ways to do this. I will list them for you so you don't even have to go looking. Take the initiative and share what has been bestowed upon you and yours. Just think how many we could help, if even for a single day, feel the warmth that is Christmas. Celebrate the precious season by freely giving to someone that does NOT have what you have. Two thousands years ago, a man lived and died for us. He suffered and bled that our lives might be enriched. He gave Everything for people that had nothing. Freely, he gave and freely we should Honor him and do the same.
Please, reach into your hearts and find a way to help another. They are our brothers and sisters, our mothers and fathers and our neighbors. They are not as far away as we may think or try to keep them. This year, let us not allow the "economy" to stop us from bringing warmth and good will to others. freely we have taken and now I ask you, freely give.
Here is a list of things you can do to out reach. The blessings in your heart will be something you can't even imagine. List... More... Food shelters...
This is just a few to help you get started. I promise you, you will not have to look far to find someone to bless. You may find them right in your own community or neighborhood.
Blessings to you All. Give with your heart. Volunteer somewhere and I promise you, it will be appreciated. And be thankful for what you Do have this year. Always, Darrel

Writing... It Is an Art.

2009-12-04T08:58:00.000-08:00

When I think of writing being called an art, it causes me to think of the why it may be called that. When a writer is transferring thoughts from the mind or imagination, to paper, or as may be the case today... to screen, it does become Art. The ability as much as it is a Need to cause the reader to "See" what is being written is in fact Art.
To write without the ability to create a canvas painting or a Big Screen scene while writing leaves the reader with only words. Words that could be tossed into a Dictionary or a letter to an unknown person. They serve only to fill in space. It is truly the writer that can create a scenario for the reader that comes to life as if it were 3-D or Live , that creates with their mind the painting that will endure and last in a readers mind. To take a simple barn and cause it to become the "Red Barn that stands alone in a field, it's paint peeling from the wood, straw left long ago to dry and be blown into the wind, sticking out from the open window at the top of the now nearly colorless barn" is the same as painting a picture for the reader that they can see as well as feel.
Such is the life and the desire of every writer. This is the essence of their soul being layed out in the open for all the world to see. If a writer can capture this very vivid picture for their readers then he has indeed made writing "an Art." I am confidant in myself that I have done this for you, the reader in both of my novels. Be prepared to not only read the words, but to feel them as if you were sitting right where the characters are.

Daily Survey Panel

2009-12-02T07:48:00.000-08:00

Surveys are very much a part of a supplemental Income for me. The time spent completing the surveys from different sites is well worth the compensation I receive each month.
I recently came across a new survey site that pays directly to my PayPal. The monies are placed in my PayPal account in a very timely manner. Daily Survey Panel offers over 100 paid surveys a day. If you fail to qualify for one, you simply click to try another and you are on your way. As an added incentive, if you complete a specified amount of surveys each month, you receive a Very nice bonus cash to your account.
The surveys are easy to navigate and enjoyable. Very few surveys will be unqualified for you. And the best part is that each day I watch my PayPal account grow from doing the surveys from Daily Survey Panel. Go ahead and give it a try. You will NOT be disappointed.

When Coin Collecting becomes Coin Investing...

2009-12-01T12:44:00.000-08:00

Collecting coins has been a part of our world for centuries. Everything from the Liberty dime to the Carson City Silver Dollar has graced homes through-out the world. From the Novice collector of Wheat Pennies and Buffalo Coins to the expert collectors of the Krugerrand, people have been fascinated with coins. Some coins have grown in value over the years simply by age and the number of a particular coins minting. Others remain only worth the enjoyment and smiles that owning them brings to ones self.
The collecting of coins becomes an investment in your future when you visit "Gold Coins Gain." This site opens up to the seeker a world of coins that can easily become the best retirement plan a person could want. Coins such as $2.5 Liberty Quarter Eagle's, the Gold South African Krugerrand or even the Chinese Gold Panda, bought and left to time can become a nest egg saturated with the capabilities to become worth ten or twenty times their present value in just a few short years. Investors need go no further than Gold Coins Gain to find any coin they are looking for that is worthy of investment. With testimonials from people that have visited this site, the wonder as to whether Gold coins are a safe investment is taken out of the picture.
Gold Coins Gain offers not only the coins themselves but background on the coins origin and their value. Gold American Eagles and Gold proof American Eagles are even acceptable coins in IRA's today. Though the value of gold may fluctuate over the years, it's worth has held the standard for the money market for centuries. A proven good investment, Gold Coins Gain will guide you through the maze of what coin is a good investment and what coin is a Great investment. For your every Gold and Silver investment needs, Gold Coins Gain is the place you want to go to.

Sign of the Times...

2009-11-27T07:35:00.000-08:00

As we approach the Christmas season, I sit back and think about the year that is almost over. So many changes, both personally and for our nation as a whole. We voted in a new President, filled with promises as they all make, Before getting into office. We have all watched our nation go through changes and though I would not lay all of our economic issues on One man, certainly we have NOT done better so far. We still have more men than I care to count over seas, Not coming home to be with their families this Christmas. That is huge to me. I am a Veteran and I understand fully the need to protect our land. I do NOT understand our precious men and women still not home. But... this is not about that issue today. So I will move on. This is about the economy and Christmas.
I know that times have changed from last year and that so many families are feeling the effects of the nations woes this season. I watched friends and family alike lose their jobs to another country. My own family is feeling the effects of the nations ignorance and greed. To save money, to make a bigger profit that will NOT be passed on to the workers that truly are the back-bone of any company that exists today. Neighbors that watched their jobs that they had given 20 years to, be sent to Mexico and other countries, leaving them jobless, will feel the impact this season.
I wonder why it is so hard for "intelligent" people, men and women that call themselves smart and American, to figure out that if you send our work to other countries, We as a nation will NEVER, EVER come out on top. People, the big boys up top will pad their pockets and will even give a "Token" amount to charity, but the people that made them what they are today, will not see those pluses to sending our work else-where. I wonder sometimes where it will really all settle out.
When presents are unwrapped this year, there will be a few less to open. There will be those left un-opened, waiting for loved ones to come home. There will be families that will talk to their loved ones Via satellite, the Internet... some other way than face to face. And there will be OTHER countries that smile and celebrate the good fortune of another country, our country, handing them what used to be ours. I wonder what our President and his cabinet will think, Our Congress and all the leaders that have allowed this too happen will think when we no longer need any of them because there is nothing left here to govern.
I am an American and I love this country! I am intelligent enough to know what should be and what really just shouldn't be. I wish only the best things for this land and Still believe that the people will one day stand up and find a way to Not allow this to happen anymore. A new year is coming and we as a nation, need to stand together, support our loved ones over seas, whether we agree or don't agree with the war... And make our home a better place. A Place with out Hunger or strife amongst our selves.
And then my daughter steps in and truly puts it all into perspective, concerning the Christmas Season. And I quote... "If it is really about the presents or lack of presents, Daddy...then maybe we needed something to remind us what Christmas is really about. It's about peace and love and the birth of our saviour."
Woww, she really knows how to make one think... Thank you for that, Shannon.